so confused

Old 07-24-2002, 05:19 PM
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so confused

Hi, I am feeling so confused and sad. My husband called me today at work and said that he couldn't stand it anymore that the kids disrespect him so much and they hate him. And on and on. He didn't want to hear why they are so angry with him or what he does to annoy them etc. I was planning to go the the gym, but instead I come home to talk to him about it. But he is not at home, he is at the bar. So I go to the bar. I can't believe that this is my life and I have been reduced to this. Well I did not make a scene, but I am sure that some of his "friends" realized that I was not happy. I tried to talk to him but he just goes in useless circles. After about an hour I left to come home. Now I feel so sad and lonely. I feel hopeless about my life ever being what I wanted it to be.
I know intellectually that I can separate from him and start a new life and that it can be good. But I will have to go through a sad, hard, lonely time with financial problems and two teenagers to deal with. I know I can do it. But I don't want to. I really want my fantesy of what my life could be.
Oh I want to call someone from Alnon but I feel so stuck, I can't. I hope someone is here tonight.
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Old 07-24-2002, 05:49 PM
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Morning Glory
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Rose,

We're all here for you. Don't panic. You don't have to make all these desicions right now.

Try to calm yourself down.

We all feel trapped at times and it makes us panic.

You're ok. You don't have to have all the answers right now.

I'm at work, but I'm here.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-24-2002, 06:28 PM
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Ann
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I'm here too Rose. You may feel trapped, but maybe that is a way to stand still and find your answers.

Talk to us if you need to, we're here and listening. Vent or share a plan, or just know that we care.

You don't have to go into his darkness, you just need to find your own light right now. Get quiet and peaceful, light a candle, and try to be calm.
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Old 07-24-2002, 07:35 PM
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I posted a reading from Melidy Beattie called "Clarity". Give it a read. Hope it helps a little.
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Old 07-25-2002, 04:15 AM
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Rose,

Were you able to get hold of someone by phone?

I went to Butterflies yesterday morning and it was a good meeting. We had a newcomer with whom I identified and when newcomers are welcomed, everyone tells what benefits they get and how their lives have changed as a result of working the program. That's always a grateful feeling with which to walk away.

The chairperson shared a similiar experience as yours and what she did to get through the feelings and the group responded with more suggestions based upon their understanding of and experience with the same things. It was a very good meeting for me.

I know it's difficult right now and I understand your frustration. Having just gone through a similar experience not all that long ago, the feeling in your post came through and touched me.

I can only share with you that the best thing I did for myself was to call other people in my support network, get to some meetings and focus on what I could do to get my serenity back. And that isn't dependent upon my partner nor his willingness or unwillingness to not drink (and behave alcoholically). My serenity is my direct responsibility and the outcome of my own spiritual connection -- my own footwork.

I'm getting better, but, yesterday morning, I "slipped" and fell into some old behavior that left me feeling pretty NOT serene. I apologized as soon as I could for my part (my tongue) and did what I could to change myself. I also had the benefit of the meeting at 10:30. I wish I could always remember that restraint of pen and tongue is much better than having to make amends , but, hey, we strive for progress!!! :p

At any rate, it could have escalated into a very bad situation if I had gone with the gut feeling I was experiencing. So, I'm glad that it ended when it did.

And instead, it turned into a wonderful outcome. Mark spent all day preparing a deliciously fabulous beef stew from scratch. It filled the house with great smells when I got home. We were expecting company for dinner and he'd cleaned the house and everything was sparkling. He turned off the stew and we were upstairs for a while. When we went back down, the 1st floor was full of smoke. He'd turned the stove on high instead of off. (He’s not quite used to my stove yet) and the stew had burned, pretty awful. I thought to myself "oh no, now he's gonna get drunk!" . . . funny how we go there first!

But, guess what, we hugged and said, well, if we can't salvage it, then the cats can have a feast. And we had BLT's instead. Fortunately, the company called and canceled. I was amazed that we both just shrugged through the little incident. But, I could tell he was very upset. I couldn't fix it, I knew, but I could make sure through my behavior that I didn't make it any worse.

I guess what I mean to say is that I am coming more and more to the belief and clearer understanding that I and I alone am responsible for how I react and what I do with my feelings/emotions. I know that emotions are not bad in themselves; they are motivators. What I am motivated to do sometimes, however, or how I interpret my emotions may not be the healthiest thing . . . FOR ME!!! Nor for those around me. I'm finding more and more that my emotional deregulation can be as toxic as my drinking was.

It's all about me, isn't it!!!

Anyway, Rose, I send you hugs and prayers.

Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself. No one else is gonna do it for us.

Jon
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Old 07-25-2002, 05:46 AM
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Rose,

A long time ago my family was falling apart. Ward and the Beav were fighting, Ward and I were fighting, the Beav and I were fighting and when they would fight I would attempt to break up the that fight.

I had a sponser at that time that told me to knock it off. I was not choosing my response I was reacting and making things worse. I had talked to her at length about all the fights. I was beating my head against a wall trying to make my family understand what they were doing and they weren't hearing me me. So I would try a differant way, differant words. I broke a set of dishes to get their attention...it did...but nothing changed.

So I listened to her and I shut up, I bit my tongue, I faked it. Nothing I could say had changed it so I stopped. I was convinced that if I didn't tell them how I felt they would take that as approval...but that is not the case...they already knew how I felt. I began to stop reacting and using that moment when I still had a choice to choose to respond or not. Most of the time I found that I could choose not to respond.

And I began to allow Ward and the Beav to have their own relationship...whatever that became. If they fought I stayed out of it...left if I had to.

My point in telling you all of this to point out that that was probably the single most important thing I did in my recovery and I began to see change at that point, in myself and in Ward...really. The differance between reacting and responding is vast and the difference is in that moment of time that we still have a choice. When you react you are giving up your choice of how to respond.

I see you reacting to you H...he is drunk, you give him hell. He is not home, you go find him. You are trying to MAKE him understand when he he incapable of doing so.

My sponser gave me the best advise when she told me to knock it off...it takes two to fight...so, with hope for you, I am passing it on.

Hugs,

JT
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Old 07-25-2002, 08:31 AM
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Thanks, I was able to calm down last night. It was helpful just to post here and know that someone would care and respond. I hear your suggestions and am trying to implement them. I know that I a reacting instead of acting. I will try to change this. I was not able to call anyone last night from my alanon group. I am going to the meeting today even though I have to leave early for another meeting. I will tell the people about my fear of calling and see if admiting that helps any. I will also try to agree to call certain people. Then maybe I can schedule a call to get the first one over with. This all sounds silly, but when I a very upset I feel afraid of making a call.
Thanks again for being there and for caring. I know I can make it.
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Old 07-25-2002, 08:34 AM
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Good for you, Rose!!!!

Huge hugs.

Jon

:shades:
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Old 07-25-2002, 09:07 AM
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Hi Rose,

I believe you and I are alot alike. I have never been able to make that call either. Everyone in my Al-anon group encourage you to call anyone on their list but I haven't been able to to do that yet. So I come here where I feel most comfortable.

If you want I'll give you my phone number and email address and you can email or call me anytime you want. I'm here for you. I know how hard it is to not react to our a. I'm still trying to do that myself. I've gotten alot better. I just know now that our actions or how we react to things changes NOTHING. It only keeps you upset and not able to move forward with our own recovery.

I sometimes still go to bars looking for my ex-a not to argue or talk him into anything just to go see him because I miss him and I know that's where I can find him. Then when I see him drunk again it reminds me why I'm in this place in my life and why we can't be together. Sometimes I need that because like I said I do still love him but it reminds me that I can't compete with alcohol anymore.

My thoughts are with you today, let me know if you want my phone number.

Love,
Galnva
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Old 07-25-2002, 11:08 AM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by helluvagalnva
[B]Hi Rose,

<snipped> "Sometimes I need that because like I said I do still love him but it reminds me that I can't compete with alcohol anymore." <end snipped>

Wow

What a mouthfull!!!

Thanks, Galvna

Jon
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