Rose,
A long time ago my family was falling apart. Ward and the Beav were fighting, Ward and I were fighting, the Beav and I were fighting and when they would fight I would attempt to break up the that fight.
I had a sponser at that time that told me to knock it off. I was not choosing my response I was reacting and making things worse. I had talked to her at length about all the fights. I was beating my head against a wall trying to make my family understand what they were doing and they weren't hearing me me. So I would try a differant way, differant words. I broke a set of dishes to get their attention...it did...but nothing changed.
So I listened to her and I shut up, I bit my tongue, I faked it. Nothing I could say had changed it so I stopped. I was convinced that if I didn't tell them how I felt they would take that as approval...but that is not the case...they already knew how I felt. I began to stop reacting and using that moment when I still had a choice to choose to respond or not. Most of the time I found that I could choose not to respond.
And I began to allow Ward and the Beav to have their own relationship...whatever that became. If they fought I stayed out of it...left if I had to.
My point in telling you all of this to point out that that was probably the single most important thing I did in my recovery and I began to see change at that point, in myself and in Ward...really. The differance between reacting and responding is vast and the difference is in that moment of time that we still have a choice. When you react you are giving up your choice of how to respond.
I see you reacting to you H...he is drunk, you give him hell. He is not home, you go find him. You are trying to MAKE him understand when he he incapable of doing so.
My sponser gave me the best advise when she told me to knock it off...it takes two to fight...so, with hope for you, I am passing it on.
Hugs,
JT