Rose,
Were you able to get hold of someone by phone?
I went to Butterflies yesterday morning and it was a good meeting. We had a newcomer with whom I identified and when newcomers are welcomed, everyone tells what benefits they get and how their lives have changed as a result of working the program. That's always a grateful feeling with which to walk away.
The chairperson shared a similiar experience as yours and what she did to get through the feelings and the group responded with more suggestions based upon their understanding of and experience with the same things. It was a very good meeting for me.
I know it's difficult right now and I understand your frustration. Having just gone through a similar experience not all that long ago, the feeling in your post came through and touched me.
I can only share with you that the best thing I did for myself was to call other people in my support network, get to some meetings and focus on what I could do to get my serenity back. And that isn't dependent upon my partner nor his willingness or unwillingness to not drink (and behave alcoholically). My serenity is my direct responsibility and the outcome of my own spiritual connection -- my own footwork.
I'm getting better, but, yesterday morning, I "slipped" and fell into some old behavior that left me feeling pretty NOT serene. I apologized as soon as I could for my part (my tongue) and did what I could to change myself. I also had the benefit of the meeting at 10:30. I wish I could always remember that restraint of pen and tongue is much better than having to make amends
, but, hey, we strive for progress!!! :p
At any rate, it could have escalated into a very bad situation if I had gone with the gut feeling I was experiencing. So, I'm glad that it ended when it did.
And instead, it turned into a wonderful outcome. Mark spent all day preparing a deliciously fabulous beef stew from scratch. It filled the house with great smells when I got home. We were expecting company for dinner and he'd cleaned the house and everything was sparkling. He turned off the stew and we were upstairs for a while. When we went back down, the 1st floor was full of smoke. He'd turned the stove on high instead of off. (He’s not quite used to my stove yet) and the stew had burned, pretty awful. I thought to myself "oh no, now he's gonna get drunk!" . . . funny how we go there first!
But, guess what, we hugged and said, well, if we can't salvage it, then the cats can have a feast. And we had BLT's instead. Fortunately, the company called and canceled. I was amazed that we both just shrugged through the little incident. But, I could tell he was very upset. I couldn't fix it, I knew, but I could make sure through my behavior that I didn't make it any worse.
I guess what I mean to say is that I am coming more and more to the belief and clearer understanding that I and I alone am responsible for how I react and what I do with my feelings/emotions. I know that emotions are not bad in themselves; they are motivators. What I am motivated to do sometimes, however, or how I interpret my emotions
may not be the healthiest thing . . . FOR ME!!! Nor for those around me. I'm finding more and more that my emotional deregulation can be as toxic as my drinking was.
It's all about me, isn't it!!!
Anyway, Rose, I send you hugs and prayers.
Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself. No one else is gonna do it for us.
Jon