I will start out by saying your thread is a major trigger for me, being on the wife and child side of an equation like yours, but I really want to point out a few things that perhaps you cannot see because of your proximity to the situation.
Originally Posted by
Anon1972 
Long story but cutting it short (or trying) 5 years ago I had an affair with a good as married man (not officially married but long term partner & 2 kids.) I ended up spilling it all to his missus. 5 years later it happens again only I haven't told her because I love him and don't want to hurt anyone,
Not only are you hurting her, you're hurting their children. IMO, you're also hurting yourself for settling for some one that has chosen to not break it off cleanly with his prior relationship.
Originally Posted by
Anon1972 Don't judge me cos you can't help who you fall for!! And he's explained that I'm everything he wants but he met her first etc. and he feels awful about pursuing our affair behind her back but can't help his feelings for me, and it's not about the sex because he see's me without it!
Originally Posted by
Anon1972 It's not a typical "other woman/married man" affair!
Regardless of the reasons you tell yourself or that he tells himself or you, it is a typical affair. He is married - he is cheating. Pretty basic. The reasons are just smoke, just justifications for behaving in a manner that is selfish and not respectful to any of the people involved.
Originally Posted by
Anon1972 To be fair I didn't know he was until I was told, he was the one who came onto me, and even before I knew his situation I was attracted, so actually it wasn't my fault. It takes two to tango! And he wants to be with me, not her, and has said he needs to sort his feelings out, I was just asking what they're likely to be when he reaches sobriety that's all!!
It does take two to tango. You know the truth
now, and are still continuing the affair, so you are at fault as much as he is.
As far as what his feelings are likely to be when he reaches sobriety, well... Generally speaking, alcoholics tend to drink at least in part to escape or numb their feelings. Generally speaking alcoholics tend to engage in behavior that is pretty darn cr-ppy when viewed from an outside perspective in order to justify why they feel like cr-p and therefore continue to drink. No one can say what his feelings are going to be when he gets done. But I would say that if he is not willing to break if off completely with his wife, he is not truly with you.
BTW, reaching sobriety is more than just detoxing or not drinking. It is not something that he can do in a few days, a few weeks, a few months. It tends to be a long road, a lot of hard work and a lot of honesty. If you're willing to wait to make a decision about your relationship until he's reached sobriety, you're going to be waiting for quite a while.
As much as I hate to be saying this to some one who is behaving the same way that affects another wife and children as another girl's behavior is affecting me and my young son: You deserve better treatment than what you're getting from him.
Since you're involved with an alcoholic and are affected by his drinking, I'd suggest checking out Al-Anon if you haven't already. Educate yourself about alcoholism and its affects on those around the alcoholic.