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Affair with an alcoholic

Old 06-24-2010, 12:36 PM
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Affair with an alcoholic

Long story but cutting it short (or trying) 5 years ago I had an affair with a good as married man (not officially married but long term partner & 2 kids.) I ended up spilling it all to his missus. 5 years later it happens again only I haven't told her because I love him and don't want to hurt anyone, (I've grown up a lot and I'm generally not a bad person! Don't judge me cos you can't help who you fall for!! And he's explained that I'm everything he wants but he met her first etc. and he feels awful about pursuing our affair behind her back but can't help his feelings for me, and it's not about the sex because he see's me without it! so anyway he's said he's stopping drinking so he can sort his head out , he's at this moment on home detox, and says he'll definitely get in touch when he's reached sobriety. I was just wondering how Sobriety affects the personality, will his feelings for me still remain? I mean despite his drinking, he knew what he was doing with me, and because he's so used to drink his body made him act as good as sober.. and when I asked him if he thought about me the last time he got off the drink he said Yes all the time, so yeah I was just wondering and asking for opinions on what might happen or how he might change? Please don't judge my situation! It's not a typical "other woman/married man" affair!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Long story but cutting it short (or trying) 5 years ago I had an affair with a good as married man (not officially married but long term partner & 2 kids.) I ended up spilling it all to his missus. 5 years later it happens again only I haven't told her because I love him and don't want to hurt anyone, (I've grown up a lot and I'm generally not a bad person! Don't judge me cos you can't help who you fall for!! And he's explained that I'm everything he wants but he met her first etc. and he feels awful about pursuing our affair behind her back but can't help his feelings for me, and it's not about the sex because he see's me without it! so anyway he's said he's stopping drinking so he can sort his head out , he's at this moment on home detox, and says he'll definitely get in touch when he's reached sobriety. I was just wondering how Sobriety affects the personality, will his feelings for me still remain? I mean despite his drinking, he knew what he was doing with me, and because he's so used to drink his body made him act as good as sober.. and when I asked him if he thought about me the last time he got off the drink he said Yes all the time, so yeah I was just wondering and asking for opinions on what might happen or how he might change? Please don't judge my situation! It's not a typical "other woman/married man" affair!
Ummm Welcome to SR... I am not sure how I want to reply....yet.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:43 PM
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"Don't judge me cos you can't help who you fall for!!"

I tend to disagree. I was just reading this discussion on these forums yesterday. To a great extent, one chooses who they fall in love with. If you knew he was married when you met him, you knew you were treading dangerous waters. Falling in love has just become an excuse for a poor decision.

I have nothing more to say, because this thread disturbs me. I'd suggest you stay away. Just my feelings.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:45 PM
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To be fair I didn't know he was until I was told, he was the one who came onto me, and even before I knew his situation I was attracted, so actually it wasn't my fault. It takes two to tango! And he wants to be with me, not her, and has said he needs to sort his feelings out, I was just asking what they're likely to be when he reaches sobriety that's all!!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:46 PM
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and might I ask...

" It's not a typical "other woman/married man" affair! "

How is this not typical? What makes your case different than the rest? I'm sorry - I'm not trying to sound harsh... I just don't really see any good outcome from this. If you end up with this man, who's to say he won't do the same thing to you? Is that what you want? What do you really want from this? Do you want to take this man away from his already established family? Is that your goal?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:48 PM
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Anon what is your definition of a typical affair?

You say you have grown up a lot, then to only allow it to repeat again after 5 years???

It will be hard for a lot of people on hear to sift through that post and offer support / advice to whatever your questions are when we see a Giant problem right off the bat.

It is almost like your post is 99% trying to justify an affair so that people will respond to the 1% of your post which is asking about an alcohol issue.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
To be fair I didn't know he was until I was told, he was the one who came onto me, and even before I knew his situation I was attracted, so actually it wasn't my fault. It takes two to tango! And he wants to be with me, not her, and has said he needs to sort his feelings out, I was just asking what they're likely to be when he reaches sobriety that's all!!

you believe him? Not saying it isnt true, but isnt that what they all say in "typical affairs?" Like the proverbial carrot before the cart.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:53 PM
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Oh god no, I'm gonna have to elaborate which I actually cannot be bothered to do BUT:
He settled down WAY too early, and is living his childhood now, (drinking all the time, womanizing etc) but he has a weakness for ME, not other women, and he has explained he feels HORRIBLE for going behind her back, and wouldn't normally do such a thing, but in his words, I am his perfect type of girl, and he's not just saying that to get his leg over before I get people suggesting that, it's not in his heart to cheat, and I know how to make a man stay without straying, that's why he wouldn't cheat on me, aswell as the fact he purely loves me, not her. If he loved her he wouldn't of cheated no matter whether he was/is an alcoholic, the fact of the matter is, he's unhappy in his situation and doesn't want to hurt anyone therefore finds it hard to leave his kids, he wasn't there for his kids in the past because of things are personal which is not my place to mention but he wasn't there, she brought them up and he feels the only right thing to do is be there for them until they are mature enough to look after themselves, but if he leaves now, then they won't get the father figure they should. He hasn't asked me to "wait" for him, he says that's unfair on me, but he wants to get to sobriety so he can figure out whether it would be fairer on her to leave her because he's in love with me. It's not a typical married man.other woman sitation because of the fact he's not feeding me any old bull s**t, he's stated he once loved her but they're not married for a reason, reason being he knows it won't last.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:56 PM
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Obviously it was totally f**king pointless starting this topic, because no one is actually listening and answering my question, just judging me and going on the typical affair s**t!!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Oh god no, I'm gonna have to elaborate which I actually cannot be bothered to do BUT:
He settled down WAY too early, and is living his childhood now, (drinking all the time, womanizing etc) but he has a weakness for ME, not other women, and he has explained he feels HORRIBLE for going behind her back, and wouldn't normally do such a thing, but in his words, I am his perfect type of girl, and he's not just saying that to get his leg over before I get people suggesting that, it's not in his heart to cheat, and I know how to make a man stay without straying, that's why he wouldn't cheat on me, aswell as the fact he purely loves me, not her. If he loved her he wouldn't of cheated no matter whether he was/is an alcoholic, the fact of the matter is, he's unhappy in his situation and doesn't want to hurt anyone therefore finds it hard to leave his kids, he wasn't there for his kids in the past because of things are personal which is not my place to mention but he wasn't there, she brought them up and he feels the only right thing to do is be there for them until they are mature enough to look after themselves, but if he leaves now, then they won't get the father figure they should. He hasn't asked me to "wait" for him, he says that's unfair on me, but he wants to get to sobriety so he can figure out whether it would be fairer on her to leave her because he's in love with me. It's not a typical married man.other woman sitation because of the fact he's not feeding me any old bull s**t, he's stated he once loved her but they're not married for a reason, reason being he knows it won't last.

sorry but this is soooo messed up..."he wont cheat on me"......Okay you keep drinking kool-aid here.

He is feeding you the biggest bowl of bull puckey, and you are taking it asking for seconds!

You are being played...

I do have a question for you, and really so far the only area I see of any concern here...

How are his kids?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:57 PM
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I once had an affair with a married man while I was seriously involved with someone else. Please don't take offense to my comments as I am really only reflecting on my prior situation that occurred many many years ago. But, I did it because I was unhappy, not just with my BF at the time, but with my entire life. I was seeking escape & fell into the arms of the first person who made me feel good about myself & gave me some attention. I think he did it for a lot of the same reasons & at one point told me he was going to leave his wife for me. I truly regret the entire thing & have vowed I would never cheat on someone or get involved with someone who is cheating again.

While we both cared a lot for each other, in retrospect we didn't love each other, even though it felt that way at the time. We both were miserable with our own lives & using each other as an escape.

My guess is that if this man cares for you drunk, then he will care for you sober. However, he likely has a lot of emotional issues, which are probably part of the reason he drinks. You are likely his escape from his own unhappiness - like drinking you are another temporary fix for his internal pain. I would not expect him, drunk or sober, to leave his family for you. I also would not expect that you would find that you would really find long term happiness with each other. Leaving his wife & being with you would not actually fix what is wrong with this man. Also, you likely have some emotional issues as well or you would not find yourself needing someone who is unavailable & your issues wouldn't be fixed by you two getting together either.

Just my 2 cents from my past experience. Get some counseling & move on with your life.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
He settled down WAY too early, and is living his childhood now, (drinking all the time, womanizing etc) but he has a weakness for ME, not other women, and he has explained he feels HORRIBLE for going behind her back, and wouldn't normally do such a thing, but in his words, I am his perfect type of girl.
Just my opinion... but you sound very naive...

Don't you think he'd say that to them all? You really falling for this...
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:58 PM
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All the destructiveness of having an affair that may help destroy a family aside, why would you intentionally pursue a relationship with a known alcoholic who is willing to keep drinking and is willing to deliberately betray the most important people in his life? If you succeed in getting what you want, you will be the partner of an alcoholic who has no ability to put you ahead of his own selfish needs (need to drink, need to find sex outside his committed relationship, need to abandon his kids). Be careful what you ask for. I would recommend that you spend sometime reading the threads on this forum to try and appreciate the hell that people in relationships with alcoholics go through. Then ask yourself whether your goal is to volunteer to go through that hell.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:59 PM
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They're obviously only together for the kids, he's told his mother about me and told her that they're only together for the kids sake, his missus knows that aswell, they don't communicate in the romance part, he lives in a f**king shed in the back garden for christ sake!! (Although, he's living at his mums at the moment) so think what you want, this is NOT a typical affair.
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by SashaMB View Post
All the destructiveness of having an affair that may help destroy a family aside, why would you intentionally pursue a relationship with a known alcoholic who is willing to keep drinking and is willing to deliberately betray the most important people in his life? If you succeed in getting what you want, you will be the partner of an alcoholic who has no ability to put you ahead of his own selfish needs (need to drink, need to find sex outside his committed relationship, need to abandon his kids). Be careful what you ask for. I would recommend that you spend sometime reading the threads on this forum to try and appreciate the hell that people in relationships with alcoholics go through. Then ask yourself whether your goal is to volunteer to go through that hell.

Bingo! We have a winner!
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:02 PM
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Anon,

I don't think you're going to receive much support here. I understand what it's like to believe you're different, and the one you love isn't what everyone is calling him out to be. I dealt with that for a few months here - and I lived in denial for a long you.

You hun, you're in denial.
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by MsAngel View Post
I once had an affair with a married man while I was seriously involved with someone else. Please don't take offense to my comments as I am really only reflecting on my prior situation that occurred many many years ago. But, I did it because I was unhappy, not just with my BF at the time, but with my entire life. I was seeking escape & fell into the arms of the first person who made me feel good about myself & gave me some attention. I think he did it for a lot of the same reasons & at one point told me he was going to leave his wife for me. I truly regret the entire thing & have vowed I would never cheat on someone or get involved with someone who is cheating again.

While we both cared a lot for each other, in retrospect we didn't love each other, even though it felt that way at the time. We both were miserable with our own lives & using each other as an escape.

My guess is that if this man cares for you drunk, then he will care for you sober. However, he likely has a lot of emotional issues, which are probably part of the reason he drinks. You are likely his escape from his own unhappiness - like drinking you are another temporary fix for his internal pain. I would not expect him, drunk or sober, to leave his family for you. I also would not expect that you would find that you would really find long term happiness with each other. Leaving his wife & being with you would not actually fix what is wrong with this man. Also, you likely have some emotional issues as well or you would not find yourself needing someone who is unavailable & your issues wouldn't be fixed by you two getting together either.

Just my 2 cents from my past experience. Get some counseling & move on with your life.
Finally, an unjudgemental post!! Well firstly, I'm not expecting him to leave them, I don't want to hurt anyone, and if he wants to be with me then he will do wht he has to, but I wouldn't want to be branded a homewrecker, because I don't want to be the cause of their split! I can't help my feelings for him, I've loved him ever since I met him before I knew his situation! There was an instant attraction, and the fact he forgave me and persued me after 5 years of no contact says to me I must mean quite a lot to him, 5 years ago I ruined his life more or less but he still wants to get to know me when he's off the drink says a lot to me. I believe he is my soul mate and I feel sorry for him that he's somewhat trapped in a situation he doesn't want to be in, and I hope that he will find the strength to get out of it for his sake, more than my own. Thanks for your input, but I am not giving up on love because it's too precious and I might not ever find someone who I feel this strongly about again, and he might not, so why give up when the determination is there?!
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:05 PM
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Have you heard the saying "what do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief."

In this case it would be "what do you get when you sober up a cheater? A sober cheater."

I believe that is the answer to the question you posed.

L
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:07 PM
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Anon, no one can answer the questions you asked in your first post. He may still have feelings for you, but then again, he may decide to try to make a go of his long term relationship with the mother of his children. There's just no way for us to know.
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Old 06-24-2010, 01:08 PM
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"I don't want to hurt anyone, and if he wants to be with me then he will do wht he has to, but I wouldn't want to be branded a homewrecker, because I don't want to be the cause of their split!"

Haven't you stopped to realize you're already a homewrecker? You haven't been caught, but you a wrecking havoc on this family. You are destroying these childrens lives. You are HURTING the children.. when they find out daddy has been cheating on mommy, do you think they'll be happy? Will that make them feel good?
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