And to make the messed-up thoughts in my head even worse, I am sitting here counting the times I have had sex with my husband over the last year and you know what that number was? Mayyyybe 5. Five times. If that. Not because he didnt want it or ask for it - he was constantly asking for sex or kisses or anything. Constantly trying to hug me or hold my hand and I was pushing him away all the time.
I had completely cut him off. When he asked me for sex, he knew he would get a "Did you reaaaaallllly ask me for sex?" look and a mean comment. And he would ask anyways. Constantly. And the more he asked, the more mad I got he even bothered asking. I didnt even kiss him on the cheek unless I had to cuz maybe there were other people around. I did all this, and I thought he was only drinking! Geez!
I know I was reacting to him when I cut him off, I know I was owning my power in cutting him off. But I also know that he was constantly begging me to spend time with him, to touch him - he would beg for hugs! -, for me to attend the family days at the outpatient rehab when he went in, and I gave NOTHING.
So I am not saying I understand, or I deserved it, or it is an excuse. I am saying I cut my husband off a long time ago emotionally and physically and he had sex with high-paid escorts (hookers) when he travelled - is it me? Or do we see a frikkin connection?!!!
Dammit! I mean, really??!!!
Im gonna take a deep breath now and prepare for my appt with my attorney.