The details ...

Old 06-18-2010, 08:43 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
gmc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
The details ...

So, I know he was locking himself up in hotel rooms to get drunk and wasted. He was leaving work to do this. A few times, while traveling he got wasted, did drugs, and used an escort service. I have all the telephone bills (yes, I have gone through them over and over again).

I cannot imagine his frame of mind in all this. My goodness, he wanted me to go to his friends / family days at his outpatient program so bad and I was so indifferent to his recovery! I wanted him to handle it and be done with it. I thought I would concentrate on my daughter and leave him to his own. I had no idea it was that bad all that time.

I'm just so shocked, confused, angry, hurt - mylanta, I also feel bad for him. He mustve been so miserable - oh hell, not while he was using, huh?! Thank goodness for this space and time. Thank goodness he is not in front of my face, I dont know if I would cry, hug him, hit him or throw something at him.

gmc
gmc is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
gmc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
Well, um, he's been out of my house for three weeks and I am meeting with a lawyer today, that's what.

That's interesting though ... some people make it sound like they are as miserable in their addictions as they are making us, and others make it sound like they are having a blast the entire time without ever feeling bad about it.

Suffice to say, your summary of the situation makes me feel much better about the appointment with the divorce attorney today.
gmc is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 09:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A Pirate looks at 40
 
PieRat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Well you are taking the proper steps, get out now while you can!
PieRat is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 09:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
wait....he <FILL IN THE BLANK> BY CHOICE multiple times and you feel ..... SORRY for him????
Jeez, this is me too. I have a super-inflated sense of empathy too. Why do we always feel sorry for people who don't give a $hit about us?
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 10:01 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
gmc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
And to make the messed-up thoughts in my head even worse, I am sitting here counting the times I have had sex with my husband over the last year and you know what that number was? Mayyyybe 5. Five times. If that. Not because he didnt want it or ask for it - he was constantly asking for sex or kisses or anything. Constantly trying to hug me or hold my hand and I was pushing him away all the time.

I had completely cut him off. When he asked me for sex, he knew he would get a "Did you reaaaaallllly ask me for sex?" look and a mean comment. And he would ask anyways. Constantly. And the more he asked, the more mad I got he even bothered asking. I didnt even kiss him on the cheek unless I had to cuz maybe there were other people around. I did all this, and I thought he was only drinking! Geez!

I know I was reacting to him when I cut him off, I know I was owning my power in cutting him off. But I also know that he was constantly begging me to spend time with him, to touch him - he would beg for hugs! -, for me to attend the family days at the outpatient rehab when he went in, and I gave NOTHING.

So I am not saying I understand, or I deserved it, or it is an excuse. I am saying I cut my husband off a long time ago emotionally and physically and he had sex with high-paid escorts (hookers) when he travelled - is it me? Or do we see a frikkin connection?!!!

Dammit! I mean, really??!!!

Im gonna take a deep breath now and prepare for my appt with my attorney.
gmc is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 10:07 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Turn this around for a minute. What if you were the one wanting intimacy and he was not interested? What would you do? Would you try to address the problems behind it? Would you look at yourself and the role you played in the relationship and try your best to figure out what the problem was? Or would you lock yourself in a hotel room, drink like a fish, and hire yourself a boy toy?

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am saying I cut my husband off a long time ago emotionally and physically and he had sex with high-paid escorts (hookers) when he travelled - is it me? Or do we see a frikkin connection?!!!
I see NO CONNECTION here. How do YOU know he would not have done this anyway? You are Blaming yourSELF for HIS bad behavior. Stop it.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 10:25 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Agreed. A *normal* spouse would start to ask themselves "Ok, wth is going on?" And perhaps would have a talk with you. And upon discussing things with you, would say "Hmm, this is serious. We should get some professional help".

Not "Oh my poor little tiny **** is feeling neglected so I'd better go booze up, and hire a ho to satisfy my sexual needs asap".
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 10:36 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Your body is your own. You control the access to it. You decide the conditions that allow access (and I am using access in the broadest sense). Those conditions can be as sane or as stupid as you wish. I know that some State laws take a while to catch up with the modern age, but conjugal rights really are from a bygone era. The grown up thing to do is to talk about, seek help and leave if the marriage is irretrievable. I hate with a passion this entitlement nonsense, particulary when it comes to some men in relation to women's bodies. We are NOT in a permanent state of consent which we then withdraw to be "mean".

Get tested. And figure out why you are so wound up over a man-child.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:21 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
gmc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Turn this around for a minute. What if you were the one wanting intimacy and he was not interested? What would you do? Would you try to address the problems behind it? Would you look at yourself and the role you played in the relationship and try your best to figure out what the problem was? Or would you lock yourself in a hotel room, drink like a fish, and hire yourself a boy toy?

L
Actually, I was molested when I was a kid and I have had sexual intimacy issues (not wanting to have sex) my entire life. He has been begging me for years to go see a therapist and I always just kept putting it off. I would make the appt and never show up. I always figured, "Six months from now...". So yes, he has tried in that area, at least.

And yes, I still agree it is no excuse. I think I am in the "look for my blame" part of this situation. I am sure I will go through the motions and get back to the "no excuse" part soon. I just cant help it at this particular moment!

The relationship clearly had issues. I see my present thinking for the warped thinking it is, I really do. I'm trying to get it out so I can move past the thinking. Until then, I will continue to plan the divorce.
gmc is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:36 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Agreed. A *normal* spouse would start to ask themselves "Ok, wth is going on?" .
Hmm. I read this and thought to myself. I wouldnt know a normal spouse if it hit me in the head. How very sad and sick is that???

Hugs
Lulu
lulu1974 is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:42 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Was he begging you to go to a therapist so that you would be happier, or so that you would start putting out more?
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:51 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by gmc View Post
And yes, I still agree it is no excuse. I think I am in the "look for my blame" part of this situation. I am sure I will go through the motions and get back to the "no excuse" part soon. I just cant help it at this particular moment!
Lot's of times I see where "owning our part" becomes "blaming ourselves." I understand where that thinking comes from. My mother is the all-time world-champion codependent, and she trained me from a very early age that everyone else is to blame, and if I cannot make that case, then I am to blame.

These days, I work very hard to take blame out of my life. Mine and others alike. Blame is all about the past. Sure, there are some things I have done that I am not proud of, but I recognize them and take the lessons I have learned. Blame is not necessary and it does no good for anyone.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:58 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
here here, bolina.

my xah also asked for sex, even after it was apparent i was not interested. i shut any part of wanting him down years before i physically ended the relationship. but...not only after it was apparent, but even after we went to counseling, and after i told him that it just wasn't going to happen, so please respect the line i was drawing.
once he told me about something he saw on television, supposed to help people like me (frigid i guess). i think it was a medication. i was so offended and told him he just didn't get it.

my therapist at the time told me he would approach me, knowing what the answer was going to be, to set himself up. he was setting himself up a lot. then he could wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, and go drink or smoke to feel better.
coffeedrinker is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 12:02 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
My ex BOUGHT me medication off the internet. And thought I should be grateful. It was in the death throes of the relationship and little did he know it was another hammerblow on that last nail in the coffin.

And yes to what the therapist said.

Ugh, it makes my blood run cold.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 12:11 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
JenT1968's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
okay then, even if we accept that you have a part in him feeling that his sexual needs were unfulfilled (and whilst I am certainly not underestimating the effect sexual abuse has had on you nor seeking to undermine your obvious authority over what is normal for you, human beings exhibit a very wide and diverse range of normal levels of libido, sexual therapists accept ALL levels as within the normal human spectrum, including no desire whatsoever, and most people experience extended periods at some point in their lives where desire is severely limited, my point being, you yourself are not necessarily "broken", you two may be merely mismatched sexually).

so back to the first sentence, even if we pretend for a minute that we accept that you had some responsibility towards his behavior re seeking sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage, what did you do to ensure he combined it with a drugs and drinks fest, bunking off work to indulge in an aging rock-god hotel fantasy? and why high-end hookers? and why only when he traveled? what about your behavior forced him to do that?

and yes: being addicted to a substance indeed seems to create misery to the addict eventually, and I am not going to downplay anyone's personal experience. BUT lets not forget that the reason *most* people start to, and want to, take drugs and drink alcohol and have sex is because these things fire up our pleasure centres and can be enormously enjoyable, it is not to "mask their pain".

All three together, sounds to me like he was going all out to have fun.
JenT1968 is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 12:29 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Actually, given your history, this man's behavior is despicable.

Do you feel able to look for a therapist now? For yourself?
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 01:54 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Turn this around for a minute. What if you were the one wanting intimacy and he was not interested? What would you do? Would you try to address the problems behind it? Would you look at yourself and the role you played in the relationship and try your best to figure out what the problem was? Or would you lock yourself in a hotel room, drink like a fish, and hire yourself a boy toy?

L
yes, but she's not the addict. Addicts don't use rational.
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 01:56 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I think that was the point, SP.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-18-2010, 02:00 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I'm going to go against the grain here and many will disagree, but men are sexual beings, whether us women want to accept that or not. The porn industry is one of the most profitable. And it's not women buying it!

Men need sex and when they don't get it from their wives, they go elswhere. Is it right? NO, but to them, it is!
The #1 reason why married men cheat: lack of sex (to them love) at home.

Men feel a huge rejection when the women they love doesn't give them sex. They equate sex to love, like women equate emotionalsharing with love.

Not saying his disgusting cheating was in ANY way you're fault, but like you said, there were many issues in the relationship and well, he was not mature or well equipped to handle them.

By the way, I know 2 couples in "healthy, non addict" relationships where one of the partners is cheating and the reason, No sex! It's not just about addicts, it's about broken spirit and deflated ego.
Summerpeach is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:28 PM.