Originally Posted by SoloMio

Thanks so much for just telling us so honestly what you are feeling, BrandiSue.

I know that I did something incredibly codependent... honestly I feel like I'm going to get an "F" here on this board, but I know that the wisdom I get from everyone here will seep in eventually.

But what I did was copy and paste some of these posts into a document--and yours was one...thinking maybe I'll use them to express to him how I feel. Sometimes I look at AH, 57 years old and 33 years married to me, and when he's sober he doesn't look comfortable. I don't know if he's physically uncomfortable, or emotionally uncomfortable, but I am filled with fear that the body that he's pushed to the limit is just going to give up. I know my AH is quite a bit older than your XABF, but the horror is the same--in some ways reflective also of all the history I have with him.

Then he goes out and drinks and acts stupid and I just forget about the fear and replace it with anger. But then, even after he's been drinking we'll lie in bed and he'll tell me how much he loves me and he'll rub my back. I still love his touch, and when he does that, even as he's talking to me with slurred words, or he's already starting to snore, I think to myself, "Geez, how much does a touch have to cost?"

So the hearfelt love you express, along with negative feelings, really hits home. I cry for you and for him and for me and for AH, and for my dad, and for my brother, and for all the people whose God-given beauty and goodness is turned to embers by this God-awful disease.