So when he left, I was no longer loved, adored, etc., and I turned into a person obsessed with getting some control of the situation. I had a good six months of analyzing his childhood and his family and every single thing he ever said. I googled my heart out about alcoholism and various mental diagnoses that I thought fit the bill. Anything to deny that he left me.

But you know, the most freeing day of my life was when I allowed the thought to enter my mind: Maybe he left me because he just doesn't love me, maybe I'm unlovable (not that this is necessarily true, but being able to even think about it was huge). That was the day when I was finally able to stop looking at was he was doing and start looking at myself. What did *I* think about me? What things did *I* truly want to change? (For example, XH basically told me he left me because I wasn't "fun and spontaneous." I was able to look at that and decide that I was fun, maybe not spontaneous, but that I was fun enough for someone who was the sole breadwinner and mother to two young children. I did make it a goal to have more fun though.) What things *could* I change? (For example, XH used to get down on me for not cleaning well enough. I always hated myself for that, but I was finally able to accept that I'm not a neat freak, never will be, and that's OK.) What things did I *like* about myself? That's when talk in therapy changed from being all about him to being all about me.