Originally Posted by
gingercharlie 
But I was very concerned with his drinking long before the breakup. There were moments where I thought we wouldn't make it, because I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. Never once, for a second, did I think he'd be the one to end our relationship. During our relationship, I was concerned, and at times furious, about his drinking, but it wasn't to deflect feelings of rejection or abandonment, because I just didn't feel that way. I do now though.
This is the way it was for me as well. I was completely blindsided by XH leaving me. I had actually gotten to the end of my rope with his drinking a few months before he left, and told him I wanted a divorce. He begged me to give him another chance, I did, and he had an affair. Good times.
I think I was almost like two separate people before and after he left me. Before he left, I was unhappy, but not obsessed with his drinking. I didn't realize that my happiness was in my own hands and I could have accepted that he is who he is and moved on. And he loved me, adored me, said all of the things that I wanted to hear at the time. It kept me hooked, because I was fulfilled from the outside in.
So when he left, I was no longer loved, adored, etc., and I turned into a person obsessed with getting some control of the situation. I had a good six months of analyzing his childhood and his family and every single thing he ever said. I googled my heart out about alcoholism and various mental diagnoses that I thought fit the bill. Anything to deny that he left me.
But you know, the most freeing day of my life was when I allowed the thought to enter my mind: Maybe he left me because he just doesn't love me, maybe I'm unlovable (not that this is necessarily true, but being able to even think about it was huge). That was the day when I was finally able to stop looking at was he was doing and start looking at myself. What did *I* think about me? What things did *I* truly want to change? (For example, XH basically told me he left me because I wasn't "fun and spontaneous." I was able to look at that and decide that I was fun, maybe not spontaneous, but that I was fun enough for someone who was the sole breadwinner and mother to two young children. I did make it a goal to have more fun though.) What things *could* I change? (For example, XH used to get down on me for not cleaning well enough. I always hated myself for that, but I was finally able to accept that I'm not a neat freak, never will be, and that's OK.) What things did I *like* about myself? That's when talk in therapy changed from being all about him to being all about me.
Well, looks like I barfed out another novel! I truly hope that your journey takes you to a place where you can love and accept yourself exactly as you are, and that you can trust that the universe has a lot of goodness and happiness in store for you.
