kae - I feel for you... You may want to talk to someone (a psychiatrist, preferrable one who also knows addiction), before you give up on your sobriety. Some of us have mood disorders, depression, anxiety (etc.) that need to be addressed along with substance abuse. Untreated, we self-medicate, but we do so with things that kill us and make our issues worse. There are other alternatives.
Keep looking for answers, OK?:ghug3