And Kae..... you keep being honest. It'll serve you extreeeeeemely well in recovery. Keep talking about what you're feeling - everyone else is feeling or has felt the same way but not everyone's willing to bring it up. As a bonus, sharing honestly will save you a TON of pain.
I was afraid to share things like you did at the tables. I worked on them in my mind - on my own - and it was horrible. Once I started talking about those thoughts though (with a therapist) they started going away and I started feeling better. I spent months in that hell and, had it not been for that alcohol tether I was wearing, there's nooooo question in my mind I would have gotten drunk again.