Kae, keep trying. Sounds like you have the physical sobriety part down - i.e. you're not ingesting alcohol. That's awesome, it's how we all have to start. And you're right, being dry sucks! That's why there are 11 steps after the first one. Step 1 helps us get physically sober whereas the other 11 work on our mental and spiritual sobriety.
A court-ordered alcohol tether forced me to stay dry. I went on to hit my emotional and spiritual BOTTOM, I don't recall precisely, maybe 3 or 6 months into the program. It was hell on earth......and I know what you're talking about. That bottom.....WAY worse than my alcohol-bottom.
I saw NO way out.......nothing I'd been doing was "working." So........I went beyond that last house on the block (that last house being AA). I jumped the fence around that last house and went looking for in that scary field beyond that last house....... I went looking for a God of my understanding. I didn't do it cuz I was some blessed person, because I was spiritually fit, or for any other noble reason. I did it because I knew that THIS feeling had the power to take me back to alcohol and have me re-engage in the insanity I just left - booze. Remember, the teeney-tiniest bit of faith is all we need. That searching for God.....some God.......ANY God.... that's when things started to "feel" better.
Of course, I went on to realize I hadn't
really done step 2, or any written inventory, shared it with a sponsor, made an amends list, made ALL my amends....etc etc.... and, most of all, I hadn't had a spiritual experience AS THE RESULT OF
WORKING THESE STEPS. Turns out, I was trying to call AA a failure when it was me who was failing. But..........that's ok........ I fail all the time. The key is to keep plugging on.
Looks like you're
doing that.......so keep it up.
