Understanding of all that has happened came to me in
a burst with my son many years after the fact. Addiction
was there all along or the signs of addiction were in front
of me and as I talked to other parents, my parents, peers
and so on -- everyone said -just wait it out-- it will all fall
into place, giving puberty an edge, age, the times and so
forth.
It really doesn't come as, all of a sudden, it has progression
attached, I wanted to believe that it would out grow itself
and left it to fester rather than catch it in the budding stages.
I waited and waited, it didn't matter if I had consequences,
a nervous breakdown, time off work, or however it effected
me..you see I learned it wasn't about me at all," I reacted" I wasn't
proactive"..I wanted it to go away, it was Denial in capital letters.
I took the veil off one day to see the world and my life as
it was, I accepted that regardless of my actions, my son had his own agenda, his own choices. I won't say destiny
as I believe that choices are the key to which door we open and which doors we leave closed. Some of us fear
consequences some would rather touch the fringes of that
which is not acceptable and take the consequences not realizing what they are in total. My son in his youth and ignorance of life choices made many errors.
This journey for my husband and myself has reached it's 10th year. My son will be 25 in August..he has been in juvenile detention,jail and prison and is currently on parole. He lives in a half way house and the structure to me is as I know life in my current situation extremely difficult.
He is working through each difficulty as it comes up, he is taking it so far in a positive manner and as he states to us that he created the problem now he has to create a solution.
Yes I do feel hope, although I don't feed it in any way. I do watch and have learned to sit back and let it unfold as it must so that he can learn the lessons. Often I want to intervene, yet know that unless the lesson sticks and I stay in my corner the lesson will not have power.
Stay close with your love by reflecting that to your child,this is our only gift that will not interfere with their progression towards life on life's terms.
My best to you.
lauren