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lost hopes

Old 06-13-2010, 03:42 AM
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it is what it is
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lost hopes

I'm new here. Not real sure how this works yet so if I post at the wrong places or times - sorry - I've been reading a lot of messages - thinking and taking in how many of us there are - I finally realized that my struggle at this moment is having to accept that what I thought and hoped and prayed recovery would be for my son is not going to be - he had a rough journey to what I was calling recovery and I thought surely that would be it - I even had a few months of feeling what it might be like for the whole nightmare to be behind us and then he relapsed and it was like he fell off a cliff - so many things happened so quickly - and now he will very likely be spending time in prison - it's been two weeks since his arrest and my head is trying so hard to wrap itself around what happened and how fast it happened - my heart is trying to adjust to lost hopes - I am grateful that my son is alive and at this moment I know he is not using - he is such a sweet guy - i just don't want to accept that things may never really get any better -
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Old 06-13-2010, 04:07 AM
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Welcome to SR, thank you for posting your story. There are so many good people here, who will give you lots of good advice, keep posting and reading. Praying for you and your family. ((HUGS)))
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Old 06-13-2010, 05:03 AM
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Welcome, Litehorse. I'm sorry you find yourself in this place, but you should be so grateful that you've stumbled onto this forum. Please keep coming back and you will find all the support you want and need. I only wish you would have found us a long time ago... it sounds as though you've been struggling for a while.

I am very familiar with that feeling of discouragement. I am the parent of an addict also and I remember coming here to SR and reading, reading, reading. Frankly, I was shocked by the reality that was here before me. I came to understand clearly that for most (not all) addiction is a lifelong struggle... rehab is just a first step on a very, very long path. The most IMPORTANT LESSON I've learned in the last couple of years is that I deserve a life of serenity. His life is not my life. His addiction is not my addiction. His problems are not my problems. I am not responsible for his choices!! So I let go. And letting go has been key to keeping my sanity. It's hard but of all my choices, it was by far the best option for all concerned.

As I said, please keep coming back. We're here for you.
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Old 06-13-2010, 05:55 AM
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Welcome Litehorse.

Addiction and recovery can vary from addict to addict. Some try many times before they make it, some never make it at all and some just stop and seem fine...thing is, we never know where our addicts will fit in all this.

There IS hope, there are many members here on this forum who are double winners, in recovery for their own addiction as well as codependency, and also a few forums up on the AA and NA forums, who have all found a better path.

My heart and prayers go out for you. I remember how awful I felt early in my son's journey, and I could only take all this one small piece at a time. Meetings helped me more than anything else. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here and that literally saved my life. Maybe seek out some in your area and give them a try. I promise that you will be glad you did.

Hugs
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Old 06-13-2010, 06:38 AM
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Hello and welcome, Litehorse.

You are experiencing the terrible pain that we all have felt. You were once not so out of sorts and anxious -- the Steps lead us back to a place of sanity.

Keep coming back to this site. It has been my lifeline.
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Old 06-13-2010, 08:28 AM
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Understanding of all that has happened came to me in
a burst with my son many years after the fact. Addiction
was there all along or the signs of addiction were in front
of me and as I talked to other parents, my parents, peers
and so on -- everyone said -just wait it out-- it will all fall
into place, giving puberty an edge, age, the times and so
forth.

It really doesn't come as, all of a sudden, it has progression
attached, I wanted to believe that it would out grow itself
and left it to fester rather than catch it in the budding stages.

I waited and waited, it didn't matter if I had consequences,
a nervous breakdown, time off work, or however it effected
me..you see I learned it wasn't about me at all," I reacted" I wasn't
proactive"..I wanted it to go away, it was Denial in capital letters.

I took the veil off one day to see the world and my life as
it was, I accepted that regardless of my actions, my son had his own agenda, his own choices. I won't say destiny
as I believe that choices are the key to which door we open and which doors we leave closed. Some of us fear
consequences some would rather touch the fringes of that
which is not acceptable and take the consequences not realizing what they are in total. My son in his youth and ignorance of life choices made many errors.

This journey for my husband and myself has reached it's 10th year. My son will be 25 in August..he has been in juvenile detention,jail and prison and is currently on parole. He lives in a half way house and the structure to me is as I know life in my current situation extremely difficult.

He is working through each difficulty as it comes up, he is taking it so far in a positive manner and as he states to us that he created the problem now he has to create a solution.

Yes I do feel hope, although I don't feed it in any way. I do watch and have learned to sit back and let it unfold as it must so that he can learn the lessons. Often I want to intervene, yet know that unless the lesson sticks and I stay in my corner the lesson will not have power.

Stay close with your love by reflecting that to your child,this is our only gift that will not interfere with their progression towards life on life's terms.

My best to you.

lauren
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Old 06-13-2010, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by litehorse View Post
i just don't want to accept that things may never really get any better -
They may never get better for him or this could be the start; it's entirely up to him because you are powerless over his addiction.

It may sound weird but I found hope again when I admitted I was powerless. Please keep reading and think about meetings or therapy. The addict has to want help before they can get better, and the same goes for us.
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Old 06-13-2010, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by litehorse View Post
I am grateful that my son is alive and at this moment I know he is not using - he is such a sweet guy - i just don't want to accept that things may never really get any better -
Welcome to SR, litehorse! My name is DeVon, and I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, as well as a recovering codependent.

I have a 32 year old daughter who's been in active addiction since she was 15.

The only thing I have to accept in my life is this moment, and things are what they are at this moment.

I accept that my daughter is active in her addictions today.

I accept that I am a participant in my own recovery today.

I spent many years caught up in the chaos of her addictions, and it became even more painful for me when the grandchildren came along.

I finally hit a bottom where I realized that no amount of worry, threatening, pleading, begging, or literally making myself sick was going to change what choices she made.

The last time she was in jail, I spent a long time deciding whether I was going to make that one visit.

I finally did, and after 30 minutes of watching her smirk on the other side of that glass panel, I walked out knowing I had done everything I could, and I got on with my life.

Today my life is full. I am in my final year of college, and will have completed 2 degrees in December of this year.

I know what kind of a horrible bottom I had to hit in my own addictions before I finally cried out to God, and I'm not going to stand in the way of my daughter walking her own path.

I sleep well at nights knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

I would highly recommend checking into Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area. Alanon tends to be more widely available. Get a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent starter book.

Work a program for yourself like you would like to see your son do. The best help we can be to anyone is to work on healing ourselves from the effects of loving an addict. I may be the only example of recovery my oldest daughter sees for the rest of her life.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends.

:ghug3
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Old 06-13-2010, 07:37 PM
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thanks to all for your heart felt comments - i realize the more i read that we all travel a similiar road whether by map or some other navigation - we have to find our way to peace by letting go of what we cannot change - and accepting things as they are - not borrowing trouble from tomorrow and certainly not bringing the past into today - one thing i know - God is good - all the time and He loves my son even more than i do - but not even His love will change him until he is ready to change himself - i can say that at this point when I see my son he is still the sweet boy i've always known - i've told him that i will not forget who i have always known him to be, nor will i let him forget, but that he will have to find his solutions for his life and i will support him in all things that are good and positive for him -i saw my son this morning for the first time since his arrest 2 weeks ago - he looked good - was sweet and humble - i simply pray and continue to live my life - go to church, eat with friends, spend time with family, ride horses, play with the dogs, swim, read, work, and fight off the times when guilt or pain want to overcome me -My life verses have guided me and will continue to : II Timothy 2: 24 -26 "God's servant must not be argumentative , but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cook, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands." (The Message) i hope i do not offend anyone with my intense focus on God but He is my strength and refuge and without Him i am nothing.
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Old 06-13-2010, 07:38 PM
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it is what it is
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thanks to all for your heart felt comments - i realize the more i read that we all travel a similiar road whether by map or some other navigation - we have to find our way to peace by letting go of what we cannot change - and accepting things as they are - not borrowing trouble from tomorrow and certainly not bringing the past into today - one thing i know - God is good - all the time and He loves my son even more than i do - but not even His love will change him until he is ready to change himself - i can say that at this point when I see my son he is still the sweet boy i've always known - i've told him that i will not forget who i have always known him to be, nor will i let him forget, but that he will have to find his solutions for his life and i will support him in all things that are good and positive for him -i saw my son this morning for the first time since his arrest 2 weeks ago - he looked good - was sweet and humble - i simply pray and continue to live my life - go to church, eat with friends, spend time with family, ride horses, play with the dogs, swim, read, work, and fight off the times when guilt or pain want to overcome me -My life verses have guided me and will continue to : II Timothy 2: 24 -26 "God's servant must not be argumentative , but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands." (The Message) i hope i do not offend anyone with my intense focus on God but He is my strength and refuge and without Him i am nothing.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:26 AM
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Welcome to SR.. I am fairly new too and a mother of an addict. I 2nd the suggestion to red co dependant nomore-(addict lovers bible I call it). Really hols a mirror up to our role in the whole shebang. The one thing that alanon gave me right away was hope, becuz when I got there I had NONE. I KNEW that my daughter was going to die and I was on a mission to save her. What became apparent immediately was that I had alot of arrogance thinking I know how the future will play out.. I have NO idea! But that little bit of uncertainty allowed a tiny bit of hope to squeeze in there. I have told my daighter that I have so much hope for her and she can change this.. a far cry from my threats and pleading and fears of her dying. I also agree about working your own program.. people keep telling me its the best thing you can do for any addict in your life and I really beleive them. Keep coming back...
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:39 AM
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I am so busy beating myself up for missed opportunities to have done something by not doing anything - i never missed an opportunity to talk to try to persuade to encourage but i know nothing will change the past only the present matters and the future has hope built in as long as there is breath -
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:44 AM
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I sure wish i had found this place before so many decisions may have been different - but who knows how things would have been
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by litehorse View Post
I sure wish i had found this place before so many decisions may have been different - but who knows how things would have been
I pushed my daughter into a very expensive detox when she wasn't ready. I did that within 48 hours of discovering her addiction. She was clean from her drug of choice for about six months but still drinking and smoking weed. She went back down the predictable path.

While she was detoxing, a friend OD'd from the same drug of choice.

After getting an education in all this, I can look at like I prevented her from her bottom and prolonged it, or that my actions saved her life at that time, especially given her friends OD. I choose to look at it as both and I'm very glad I'm better informed now. I'm also glad that she's in recovery just for today, and that it was all her doing, not mine.
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Old 06-14-2010, 12:43 PM
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All things in due time..u found the site when u were ready for it.
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Old 06-14-2010, 02:43 PM
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I understand looking at the situation from different points of view and yes i agree - many times i have said that i don't know if there were times i saved my son's life at that particular time or made things worse - all i could do at the time was the best i could do - i have to keep reminding myself - or i should say that my friends have to keep reminding me that hind sight is always 20/20 (and sometimes 20/15!) i knew forcing recovery wouldn't work for sure but i will have to say the few days before this last arrest when things were spiralling down so fast i said i would shoot him in the leg if i had a gun so at least he would be shut down - of course then i would be in jail and that wouldn't accomplish anything - thank you so much for sharing
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Old 06-16-2010, 10:58 AM
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litehorse;
I second and third and fourth what anyone says about attending Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I finally went right before my XAH went back to prison for the 5th time. That seperation while he was in prison and not right in front of me, gave me the tools and time I needed to begin and work my own program so that when he was eventually released I would not fall back into my "rescuing" pattern. And, when he did relapse and return to prison, my life was not in shambles as it was in the past. I had learned coping skills that kept me healthy and much better equipped to deal with my role in all of the chaos.

You dont have to give up hope, only expectations.
Peace to you
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by litehorse View Post
I sure wish i had found this place before so many decisions may have been different - but who knows how things would have been
Litehorse, First Welcome to SR! I can remember after attending Naranon meetings for a few weeks (10 yrs ago) saying to a member that I wish I had found the meetings earlier. His response was that I was not ready.

SR and Naranon/Alanon meetings literally saved my life.

I am the mom of a 31 yo RAD. For today, she is clean. For today, I am staying in the moment.

Know that you are not alone and we will walk this journey with you.

Hugs,
Chris
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