Hi Grace,
Originally Posted by
disgrace 
Thank you Mamm. I'm so sorry. I just dont know what came over me. I'm so upset and I need you all so much right now. I'm sorry.
This is why I drunk time and time again, despite trying so hard not to.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness, with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. ~ p24 Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book
If this is why you drink too, then you will be picking up the drink again, despite whatever resolve you have now not to.
Do I remember you saying you are going all inclusive on holiday soon? I know I couldn't do that and stay sober until I had found the solution to my problem in AA. I tried doing it my way before but with as much booze as I wanted to drink and it being free, however determined I was not to drink, I started on the wine before the case was unpacked.
The 12 Step program removes the mental obsession to drink so the alcoholic no longer has to fight to stay sober. It just happens.
Aside from the program of AA, there is a fellowship of people there who will welcome you with open arms, with love, understanding and acceptance. You will not be the most hated person on the planet or have to feel any disgrace.
Best wishes in your journey to find a sober life.
