DayTrader

I can identify with that stuff. Honest to God, the "yets" didn't really scare me one bit. When AAers talked about all their war stories and told me how bad their lives got because of drinking.....there was NO DOUBT at all in my mind that I'd ever in a million years ever be as stupid as they were. I didn't believe for a second that I'd ever do half the stuff some of "them" did.

On the other hand, the stuff I was doing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again........THAT stuff was kicking my a$$. I was darn near suicidal with depression - feeling like I wasn't living up to my potential even though I was, on paper, doing pretty well. I was SICK of never having courage at the right time. I was SICK of floating a million lies about myself and always trying to pacify everyone / impress everyone / get ahead or above everyone in my life. I was SICK of myself.... I was starting to hate myself and I was hating my life. I was weak. I was an underachiever. I was.... you get the picture. Those thoughts ran connnnnnnnnnnnstantly through my head.

I knew drinking was ONE of the problems but it wasn't THE problem. After some investigation, I learned alcoholISM was THE problem - especially the "spiritual malady" part. I was 100% self-sufficient and the results sucked. I figured early on that "not drinking" wasn't going to do that much good. I needed more.....way more. Luckily, I hooked up with some ppl in the program that SWORE they could help me get that stuff that I was missing.......oh, and by the way, I'd get past that drinking thing too.

Best decision I've ever made.... (and I was about 90% sure it wouldn't work but I was sooooooo dam sick of those "agains" I was ready to try just about anything). It took me a couple months to buy in. My defenses were well entrenched and I didn't really WANT to admit AA worked where I had failed..but it turned my life around.

Hope that helps.