Severian

Hello everyone. I have been reading here for a few days and I am finding some very inspirational postings. Unfortunately, I wasn't sufficiently inspired to stay sober last night, so I am on day one again.

I am 45 and first realized that my drinking was not like other poeple's drinking - and a problem - when I was 21. The problem then was simply that I only drank to get drunk. Once I started I never stopped myself. And while there are more reasonable "party days" in one's 20s than in one's 40s, I did a fair job in the beginning of only drinking at appropriate times. Just 1 or 2 days a week.

At 29 I went on a bender that scared the crap out of myself. I started going to AA meetings. Went to 58 meetings in 60 days and decided it wasn't a good fit for me. I started drinking at controlled times (uncontrolled amounts, of course) about 2 or 3 months later.

I developed several sleep issues in my 30s, and began rationalizing that I needed alcohol to sleep. (I actually do sleep better drunk than not drunk.) The amount I would need to drink to get to sleep and stay asleep gradually rose for the next decade. I consulted a doctor about my insomnia and told her I was self-medicating the problem with alcohol. She asked how much I routinely drank, and I knew that "16" (the truth) was not going to make her happy, so I said "8". The shocked look on her face said it all. She refused to treat the insomnia until I went to a 2-week rehab. Reluctantly I went.

After rehab I went to a handful - maybe 10 AA meetings. There are good things about them, but I don't think they are the right fit for me. I was drinking again a few months later.

The controlled times are fading now. I am up to 5-6 nights a week, taking a night off when my self-disgust at my binge drinking peaks. In the past year I have even started drinking at breakfast a few times. Never on work days - but how far off can that be?

I am 50 pounds overweight (in no small part because of my drinking), I have high blood pressure and my cholesterol would make a great bowling score. I am a ticking coronary bomb.

I don't want to die yet. I have a great life. I have a beautiful wife whom I adore. We have 3 great children, 22, 17, 16. We both have 6-figure salaries. A 5-bedroom house in the 'burbs, 2 dogs and fat pension to look forward to.

I have been all over the world, including some of the poorest countries on earth. There are billions of men who dream of having my life. Why do I feel the need to hide from it in the bottle? This is something I would really like to understand. I hope I can find that answer. Thanks for reading.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think that as you stop drinking and start to recover, you will begin to understand the underlying reasons that are causing your drinking. I drank to self-medicate depression/insomnia/anxiety. But there was much more to it than that and it really is like peeling the layers of an onion.

One thing I found very helpful in the early days, was to change my routines. I began to go out after supper for long walks. That turned out to be helpful in so many ways. Every change you make in your life will have a ripple effect.

Starburst

Hi and welcome, sometime A is just something some people have and have to learn how to control it. My AH also 43, similar drinking but did clean up and stayed sober for 8 years, but unfortunately, I suppose one of the reason he relapsed is he has the lovely wife and 2 small kids, but thats all, no pension, rented 2 roomed cottage etc., but at the end of the day, drinking never solved anything. Good for you to want to make your life better.

intention

Hi Severian

I know you are not interested in AA, but I found the answer to your question (and mine) in the book Alcoholics Anonymous

That said it all for me. I know I could have carried on searching for other answers to the question but I would have never have found them.

Once I realised I had no power of choice over the drink, that the mental obsession was so great that I had no defense against picking up the first drink, that is when I went looking for the Power over drink and to have the obsession removed - that is what is promised with working the 12 Steps of AA.

Whatever answers you get to your questions, whatever you choose to do about your problem, one thing is for sure - alcoholism is progressive. If you carry on drinking, it will just get worse.

Take care.

Norther

AA works for me. I find myself wondering what you mean when you say AA is not a good "fit" for you. Do you find that you do not drink or want to drink when you attend meetings? That seems to be implicit in your post. You indicate, as I read it, that you have stopped going to meetings then resumed drinking at least twice. Perhaps AA not merely might work but has worked for you. I myself did not know at first why it works for me (I believe I have an inkling now); I only know that it does so. I am pragmatic enough, therefore, to keep going. I wish you the very best whatever course you take.

Raindance

Would you be willing to talk to an addiction's counsellor?

Severian

I read the AA blue book, but it was quite a long time ago. Perhaps I'll re-read it. I still have it.

Severian

Yes, without hesitation.

artsoul

Welcome Severian! I'm not currently going to AA, but I hang out here ALOT. It helps me to have a place to come to at any hour of the day and remind myself why I want to stay sober. I finally gave up trying to control my drinking (and Lord knows I tried). What works for me is to take it one day at a time and know that if I go back to it, things will get worse.

Keep reading and posting. You can do this!!!:ghug3

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

I think I figured out why AA might not be a good fit for you.

Severian

I wasn't trying to infer that I am some type of idol, if that's what you mean. Just that I'm fairly certain that any of the refugees in the Dadaab camps in Kenya would be willing to trade my troubles for theirs. Perhaps a better way to state that might have been billions of men dream of having the things that I have. Except the alcoholism, of course!

Raindance

It's good to have gratitude for what we have.

Hevyn

Severian - welcome to the family. I'm so glad you found us. You ask some good questions. Why, when you have a lovely life, would you want/need to anesthetize yourself? I never knew why I did, and still am not sure. I was shy & self-conscious, and it helped with that. Later, of course, I drank to forget all the foolish things I did when drunk.

You asked how long would it be until you start drinking on workdays. I started out a weekend drinker, never imagining it would go beyond that. It didn't take long for Sunday to be a "hair of the dog" day to recover from Fri. & Sat. Then of course, Sunday was just another drinking day, into the night - making Monday full of shaking and misery. So - I started drinking Monday too. Took it to work with me. Then it was all week. In the end, 24/7. I had to maintain a certain level in my system at all times. It was no longer fun or relaxing - the euphoria of my early drinking days was long forgotten & not possible ever again. I was looking at an early death.

You are wise enough to see where you're headed - many never get it. I hope you'll find comfort & friendship here, & the courage to change. I did. Keep posting!

Draciack

Severian, Welcome to SR. There is a lot of good information in this thread so I will only add this: I searched for the answer to your question as well. But it confused me. Before my most recent drinking catastrophe, my life was fine. Financially, I was stable. I had good physical and emotional health. My social life and career were humming along. I did not start drinking because something terrible happened. So, for me, there was only one answer: I am an alcoholic. I'm physically wired for this stuff, moral failings and context aside. And that's why I'm here today.

I hope you find your answer Best of luck.

Severian

Thanks Hevyn.

Regarding AA -
I'd say one of the things that didn't feel right about AA my first time around (1992) was that I did not meet anyone there whose drinking experiences were less than my own. In other words, they were all much heavier drinkers than I was at the time. I felt like a misfit because I hadn't lost my job, got a DUI, wrecked my home or had to drink off some morning shakes.

I have closed that heavy drinking gap considerably in the interval since my last meeting. I've done a few awful things because of drinking that I would not have considered myself capable of back then - and I realize that trend will continue if I continue drinking. It's possible I wouldn't feel too out of place at an AA meeting now. I haven't ruled it out for the current regimen, I was just telling my story and how I felt about it back then.

Raindance

Don't feel bad that AA isn't for you, there are other paths. "The" path is the one that works for you. I don't think it's necessary to judge the way, but just keep trying to find it.

DayTrader

Because you're almost certainly an alcoholic.



Ready to do something about it yet?

(and I mean do something different than what you've done in the past......... ie new attitude, open to new thinking, open to better hearing, open to changing things in your life that you "don't believe will work," and so forth?)

Recovery and AA work......but they only work on and for the willing.

Chops

AA worked for you for 60 days + before, thats definetly long enough to knock some pounds off, there are 4 great reasons right there in your post to at least get some sober time and deal with some health issues.

My personal experience contradicts the notion that you always have to do it for yourself.

AA will definetly not shorten your life.....

intention

Hi Severian,

I've said in AA that there are two words which can mean the difference between life and death and that is similarities and differences.

This is why a lot of meetings encourage people to look out for the similarities rather than the differences. The alcoholic mind will always try to look for the differences to convince it that it is not an alcoholic.

My guess is that there were people in the rooms just like you but you couldn't hear them or more to the point your alcoholic mind would not let you hear them.


I lost nothing due to my drinking but I am every bit as an alcoholic as the person who is homeless on the streets. But looking at the differences between us, nearly killed me because it kept me drinking.

I would say that people only go to AA as a last resort. I would suggest that perhaps AA didn't fit for you because you thought there was another option to get sober. Alcoholics will only use AA and the program of AA when they see no other option. It's never the top of the list to try out first before everything else. I've never heard anyone say "I'll try the 12 Steps first and if that doesn't work, I'll try counselling". And anyone who has read the 12 Steps, will know why

I don't think Sailorjohn was indicating you thought you were an idol - more than alcohol has created delusion in your thinking (as it does with all of us when we are drinking).

Why would anyone in a refugee camp with a chance of survival trade their life for someone who is killing themselves?

Unfortunately that is what you are doing with alcohol, even though your mind tells you you have a wonderful, abundant life, except for alcoholism. All of that wonderful, abundant life means nothing when you're dead.

I hope you can find your way to recovery. Keep posting

Severian

Thanks Intention, but you lost me at the end of your post.

I do have a wonderful abundant life except for alcoholism. I am not sure why that's my mind playing tricks on me. It's real.

Precisely why I want to quit. It's wrecking my health.