What a bunch of lazy a$$es. They lost their license to drive because of DWI and can't just walk? Oh...sorry...am I being judgmental?
Yes, blame becomes a HUGE part of any relationship the alcoholic is in. It is NECESSARY in order for the drinking to continue. The partner to that blame within the relationship dynamic is the other party's GUILT. Our guilt makes us take responsibility for someone else's actions (no matter how bad) and worse, KEEPS us taking responsibility for their bad behavior. It becomes a cycle very quickly and you aren't aware that it is occurring, even though you are an active participant. That is why so many people (especially women) get stuck in physically abusive relationships and keep going back. So, first, I hope you are seeing the blame as it occurs, not accepting responsibility for ANY of his behavior, are stomping out any guilt feeling as it arises, and are able to see this for what it is: ABUSE. Sounds like you are. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
OK, now about this:
could you please do me a favor and VERY EXPLICITLY tell me how I'm enabling. Not that I don't believe you--it's just that I'm just as deaf to enabling as the alcoholic is to the consequences is to his/her behavior, and I truly do want it to stop.
I want to say WOW and THANKS for asking for explicit words how you are enabling because this is often how I feel, that is, that people are trying to explain something that seems obvious to everyone else but I just am not getting it and I need someone to explain it explicitly. Makes me feel not so alone
Thanks again.
My answer is, ANYTHING you do that supports the other person to continue to drink or drug is Enabling. It does not have to be something you do consciously. We all have enabled others unknowingly. So, if you are taking care of the finances and he is benefiting from that, your actions are enabling him to continue to drink. Yes, it is difficult to stop because you are 50% vested in the family finances. That's why it sucks to be MARRIED to one of these bozos, because marriage is legally a financial relationship. I like
ElegantlyWasted's financial advice above. Do what you have to do to protect yourself financially, and be proactive about it. I know, pain in the a$$ to have to do this (and a lot of work) but it's a necessary evil.
My personal opinion? I hope you can get some distance from this guy. Dead weight keeping your head below water. I'm suffocating just thinking about it and remembering how I used to let these people pull me under to drown me with them.