Mary and JustBreathe, I feel your pain. But we CAN DO THIS.
It's a choice. And we are the only ones who can make these choices for ourselves. Triggers or not, we have to work through the nasty pain to find our own peace and joy.
I got up yesterday completely intent on enjoying the first day of my summer vacation -- claiming it for myself. I opened my garage door to mow my lawn and there was my XABF, 1/2 block away, kissing my replacement as he left their place (well, his place that she has moved into). FRICKING TRIGGERS. Sadly, I let it ruin my day.
Stupid choice on my part!!!
I spent the entire day obsessing about him, someone I never want to have a relationship with again. Really? Why would I let myself do that?!? He has done nothing but disrespect me for months and yet I still crave his validation. That is my sickness and I am trying to own it and work on it, but triggers make it so hard that there are moments when I want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep and not wake up.
I don't understand why God allows the triggers, because for me at least, they are incredibly painful. I HATE THEM PASSIONATELY. However.....there has to be some good that can come out of anything....I believe that. Someone on here posted that "rejection is God's protection." I fully believe that in my case. The man that I fell in love with is NOT good for me. Funny how I made the choice to leave him, but I still feel like the one who was rejected...he chose his marijuana and alcohol over me. But thank God for that rejection, because the idea of life being fulfilling with XABF is pure fantasy.
I get to be me again. I get to be free to be the person God made me. WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if God would just somehow find a way to get him (them) out of his apartment and moved out of my little town into the town where they both work, I could mow my lawn in peace!