Being Triggered
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Being Triggered
Okay so without going into details this weekend is sort of like the anniversary of me and xabf...and maybe its due to pms, but I'm finding myself really spinning my wheels - obsessively thinking about it all, feeling sad and nostalgic...the works.
I feel really icky, like on the verge of having a panic attack.
There's this event going on in our town and I kind of want to go, kind of don't at the risk of running into him, but yet I also kind of do...
and I'm just sick with myself. WTF do i let this person consume me, STILL?
I feel really icky, like on the verge of having a panic attack.
There's this event going on in our town and I kind of want to go, kind of don't at the risk of running into him, but yet I also kind of do...
and I'm just sick with myself. WTF do i let this person consume me, STILL?
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Join Date: May 2010
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I know exactly how you feel. I am so frustrated with myself right now. It makes absolutely no sense why I still even care, let alone on the level that I do. I don't have any words of advice, as I am in a very bad place myself. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain, and am here to listen.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Hi Mary. I'm sorry you're struggling. I get that way when I'm PMSing too. Everything always seems like a way bigger deal. All my emotions happen really fast too, anger, hurt, fear, etc. If it were me, I wouldn't risk seeing him. I can't imagine seeing mine and still being able to maintain. You've had to see yours all along though. I don't know how you do it - woman of steel maybe? Maybe you should have a little down time, read, have a bubble bath, etc?
It seems like you've been thinking about him a lot (recent posts) and having a hard time letting go. You know I've struggled with the same thing too. I still go through the anger stuff too, which I think is strange since it's been awhile.
All I can say is try to do things to take your mind off of it, or, if you need to absorb it and feel it, relax at home and have some you time to do that. I wouldn't add maybe seeing him to the mix right now. I think you might be tougher than me though.
Hang in there super star!
It seems like you've been thinking about him a lot (recent posts) and having a hard time letting go. You know I've struggled with the same thing too. I still go through the anger stuff too, which I think is strange since it's been awhile.
All I can say is try to do things to take your mind off of it, or, if you need to absorb it and feel it, relax at home and have some you time to do that. I wouldn't add maybe seeing him to the mix right now. I think you might be tougher than me though.
Hang in there super star!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Mary and JustBreathe, I feel your pain. But we CAN DO THIS. 
It's a choice. And we are the only ones who can make these choices for ourselves. Triggers or not, we have to work through the nasty pain to find our own peace and joy.
I got up yesterday completely intent on enjoying the first day of my summer vacation -- claiming it for myself. I opened my garage door to mow my lawn and there was my XABF, 1/2 block away, kissing my replacement as he left their place (well, his place that she has moved into). FRICKING TRIGGERS. Sadly, I let it ruin my day.
Stupid choice on my part!!!
I spent the entire day obsessing about him, someone I never want to have a relationship with again. Really? Why would I let myself do that?!? He has done nothing but disrespect me for months and yet I still crave his validation. That is my sickness and I am trying to own it and work on it, but triggers make it so hard that there are moments when I want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep and not wake up.
I don't understand why God allows the triggers, because for me at least, they are incredibly painful. I HATE THEM PASSIONATELY. However.....there has to be some good that can come out of anything....I believe that. Someone on here posted that "rejection is God's protection." I fully believe that in my case. The man that I fell in love with is NOT good for me. Funny how I made the choice to leave him, but I still feel like the one who was rejected...he chose his marijuana and alcohol over me. But thank God for that rejection, because the idea of life being fulfilling with XABF is pure fantasy.
I get to be me again. I get to be free to be the person God made me. WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if God would just somehow find a way to get him (them) out of his apartment and moved out of my little town into the town where they both work, I could mow my lawn in peace!
It's a choice. And we are the only ones who can make these choices for ourselves. Triggers or not, we have to work through the nasty pain to find our own peace and joy.I got up yesterday completely intent on enjoying the first day of my summer vacation -- claiming it for myself. I opened my garage door to mow my lawn and there was my XABF, 1/2 block away, kissing my replacement as he left their place (well, his place that she has moved into). FRICKING TRIGGERS. Sadly, I let it ruin my day.
Stupid choice on my part!!!I spent the entire day obsessing about him, someone I never want to have a relationship with again. Really? Why would I let myself do that?!? He has done nothing but disrespect me for months and yet I still crave his validation. That is my sickness and I am trying to own it and work on it, but triggers make it so hard that there are moments when I want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep and not wake up.
I don't understand why God allows the triggers, because for me at least, they are incredibly painful. I HATE THEM PASSIONATELY. However.....there has to be some good that can come out of anything....I believe that. Someone on here posted that "rejection is God's protection." I fully believe that in my case. The man that I fell in love with is NOT good for me. Funny how I made the choice to leave him, but I still feel like the one who was rejected...he chose his marijuana and alcohol over me. But thank God for that rejection, because the idea of life being fulfilling with XABF is pure fantasy.
I get to be me again. I get to be free to be the person God made me. WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if God would just somehow find a way to get him (them) out of his apartment and moved out of my little town into the town where they both work, I could mow my lawn in peace!
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Join Date: May 2010
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Anvil, thanks for making my point more clear.
I agree that God doesn't create the triggers, but he does allow us to experience them as triggers because that is what we choose by our own free will. I agree, we have a choice as to how we want to react, and that is really what I was trying to say. He allows us to make our own messes, but we have to learn how to clean them up and grow from them.
I agree that God doesn't create the triggers, but he does allow us to experience them as triggers because that is what we choose by our own free will. I agree, we have a choice as to how we want to react, and that is really what I was trying to say. He allows us to make our own messes, but we have to learn how to clean them up and grow from them.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Be kind to yourself Mary. You're PMS'ing, you've been through a rough time. You're allowed to feel blue about it all. Being aware that you are PMS'ing and that what you are feeling will pass helps. If you need a pity party hour/afternoon/day, then take it. Let it pass. You don't have to act on how you're feeling. I still have the odd 'duvet' day where I shut myself in and let myself feel bad. They don't happen so often any more though!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It helps so much to know others get how it feels. Its been much longer for me and still sometimes I wonder what he is doing or how he is in bed with
"replacement" (as someone else said, impressing her with his small *****,
). How self damaging is that? ugh.
In certain line of thought that is call "the body of pain".
It takes a while to become the observer but it is a process, when you are able to see what you are feeling with compassion, you are already healing IMHO. When you realize your real self goes way beyond your experiences or your pain or any other temporary feeling or thought.
Somewhere I read there are no "shoulds" with feelings... it is what it is, if you acknowledge and ask the feeling what it is trying to teach you, it helps. It sounds dumb but I often ask my anger that in writing, and the message has been that it comes to teach me I AM WORTH HAPPINESS. My anger is present when I am falling short....
Anyway, as someone who has been anxious about going to events because of meeting ex, I would say: don't go if it even passes your mind... Do something-ANYTHING-else. Or stay home and watch cartoons and order a pizza.......
Melody Beatty is your best friend now, got any of her books? let me post a very useful link, I read recovery is like becoming fit, it is a DAILY decision and it takes actions (or non actions..) to see results... The Language of Letting Go helps me remember what the journey is really about and not get lost.
I also like to watch makeover shows, and I like to play Spa at home, think of my life as in a 100% Detox program! "Today I'll protect my peace no matter what!"
PS I get how it feels to be the one rejected, even if one was the one who said it out loud, I also felt rejected for a loooooooooong while. My healing from that comes working my relation with HP and acknowledging all the people that DO LOVE ME... so, who cares if someone couldn't? as GiveLove says, "you can't chew a diamond, is there something wrong with the diamond?"
PPS HealingWillCome I felt the same way when I drove and watched ex with GF in his supercar while I was alone, depressed and struggling a lot doing the bare minimum! it sucked!! but somehow those things are needed to heal. Really if you consider the "prize" it is easier to let go. If you gain your strength back and recognize you don't deserve to be mistreated or abused IN ANY WAY BY ANYONE WITHOUT ANY EXCUSES, it is easier to let go. As sad as it sounds alcoholics are digging their early grave and anyone around is bound to witness horrible heartbreaking stuff... is that why God brought us here? it is important for us to live in a world of love, healing, relaxation and joy. All that has nothing to do with an addict.
Time is also a great healer and puts everything in perspective, it will get much better, promise!
"replacement" (as someone else said, impressing her with his small *****,
). How self damaging is that? ugh. In certain line of thought that is call "the body of pain".
It takes a while to become the observer but it is a process, when you are able to see what you are feeling with compassion, you are already healing IMHO. When you realize your real self goes way beyond your experiences or your pain or any other temporary feeling or thought.
Somewhere I read there are no "shoulds" with feelings... it is what it is, if you acknowledge and ask the feeling what it is trying to teach you, it helps. It sounds dumb but I often ask my anger that in writing, and the message has been that it comes to teach me I AM WORTH HAPPINESS. My anger is present when I am falling short....
Anyway, as someone who has been anxious about going to events because of meeting ex, I would say: don't go if it even passes your mind... Do something-ANYTHING-else. Or stay home and watch cartoons and order a pizza.......
Melody Beatty is your best friend now, got any of her books? let me post a very useful link, I read recovery is like becoming fit, it is a DAILY decision and it takes actions (or non actions..) to see results... The Language of Letting Go helps me remember what the journey is really about and not get lost.
I also like to watch makeover shows, and I like to play Spa at home, think of my life as in a 100% Detox program! "Today I'll protect my peace no matter what!"
PS I get how it feels to be the one rejected, even if one was the one who said it out loud, I also felt rejected for a loooooooooong while. My healing from that comes working my relation with HP and acknowledging all the people that DO LOVE ME... so, who cares if someone couldn't? as GiveLove says, "you can't chew a diamond, is there something wrong with the diamond?"
PPS HealingWillCome I felt the same way when I drove and watched ex with GF in his supercar while I was alone, depressed and struggling a lot doing the bare minimum! it sucked!! but somehow those things are needed to heal. Really if you consider the "prize" it is easier to let go. If you gain your strength back and recognize you don't deserve to be mistreated or abused IN ANY WAY BY ANYONE WITHOUT ANY EXCUSES, it is easier to let go. As sad as it sounds alcoholics are digging their early grave and anyone around is bound to witness horrible heartbreaking stuff... is that why God brought us here? it is important for us to live in a world of love, healing, relaxation and joy. All that has nothing to do with an addict.
Time is also a great healer and puts everything in perspective, it will get much better, promise!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Do you go to therapy? I can't tell if your use of the word "trigger" is like mine, but I've struggled with PTSD for freaking decades and have inched slowly towards freedom. EMDR is dramatically helping, more so than anything else.
Yes, be kind to yourself. Use your protection, whatever that is. Detach. Be in your body.
Sending hugs.
Yes, be kind to yourself. Use your protection, whatever that is. Detach. Be in your body.
Sending hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Thanks so much guys, as always.
Supportive and hilarious.
*deep breath through tears*
I did do some other things this weekend, but I did go downtown and I had fun with friends and didn't really think of him until today..I seem to be waterworks today :/
Yeah I guess I am searching still for ANY type of validation. Any type of apology or something...
It helps when people recognize how hard its been. I kind of look at this as the magma of emotions erupting out during times like this.
And yeah, I have had such a hard time letting go. This guy hooked me so good. I hate him, feel sorry for, him, lust for him, and love him all at once.
It's definitely that void issue...even success, business etc once you lay down at night there it is ...that emptiness.
Well I gave sooo many pieces of myself to this person and of course I feel empty. Its very hard to get them back all on your own without any explanations, apologies, or a consensus on their end. You're the one sober, truthful, broken, sad, and worried. And its you who has to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get going.
I'm jealous that he gets to do it ****** up. Because its so painful for those who know the truth.
I think I've had such a hard time to let it go because I don't know who I am without this. Its been a source of excitement, drama, love, passion, mystery, and drive and now....uhhh...Its like learning that was all one huge giant lie. And I am being hard on myself I feel like such an idiot. A pathetic idiot, lol. God damn pms.
Supportive and hilarious.
*deep breath through tears*
I did do some other things this weekend, but I did go downtown and I had fun with friends and didn't really think of him until today..I seem to be waterworks today :/
Yeah I guess I am searching still for ANY type of validation. Any type of apology or something...
It helps when people recognize how hard its been. I kind of look at this as the magma of emotions erupting out during times like this.
And yeah, I have had such a hard time letting go. This guy hooked me so good. I hate him, feel sorry for, him, lust for him, and love him all at once.
It's definitely that void issue...even success, business etc once you lay down at night there it is ...that emptiness.
Well I gave sooo many pieces of myself to this person and of course I feel empty. Its very hard to get them back all on your own without any explanations, apologies, or a consensus on their end. You're the one sober, truthful, broken, sad, and worried. And its you who has to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get going.
I'm jealous that he gets to do it ****** up. Because its so painful for those who know the truth.
I think I've had such a hard time to let it go because I don't know who I am without this. Its been a source of excitement, drama, love, passion, mystery, and drive and now....uhhh...Its like learning that was all one huge giant lie. And I am being hard on myself I feel like such an idiot. A pathetic idiot, lol. God damn pms.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound 
I think I've had such a hard time to let it go because I don't know who I am without this. Its been a source of excitement, drama, love, passion, mystery, and drive and now....uhhh...Its like learning that was all one huge giant lie.
Even though EXAH and I were never going to reconcile after I completed rehab and moved away from him, and I knew he was toxic to me, I still shed many tears of grief for months on end.
Be gentle with yourself, okay? :ghug3
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Thank you Free
Yeah I shouldn't beat myself up so bad. I've already had enough of a hard time.
Whew I can't wait to stop associating places and things with him. Cuz its not just a reminder..it disturbs me and just floods my system with emotions.
Do we ever, really EVER stop thinking about it? I'm not a fan of these popping up phases seemingly out of nowhere.
More time, still I guess.
I gotta sto with the negative self-talk. U idiot why did it take so much for u to wake up? Ur a loser, no wonder he didn't want to stop.
u'LL always be attracted to charity cases.You're going to be alone and think of him forever.
Not true, I know..but tell that to my ovaries.
Yeah I shouldn't beat myself up so bad. I've already had enough of a hard time.
Whew I can't wait to stop associating places and things with him. Cuz its not just a reminder..it disturbs me and just floods my system with emotions.
Do we ever, really EVER stop thinking about it? I'm not a fan of these popping up phases seemingly out of nowhere.
More time, still I guess.
I gotta sto with the negative self-talk. U idiot why did it take so much for u to wake up? Ur a loser, no wonder he didn't want to stop.
u'LL always be attracted to charity cases.You're going to be alone and think of him forever.
Not true, I know..but tell that to my ovaries.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Can you perhaps buy some crayons and draw a little ridiculous monster and post it somewhere? so when those thoughts come you can see the actual monster THAT IS NOT YOU but likes to bug you. Small and meaningless, even funny... try it
I have good news about places that trigger, I was a real mess, EVERYTHING had reminders but now I pass a place and yes I still remember but now I don't cry anymore or miss him, it is more like "ugh, GLAD all that is over"! and I keep singing in the car! I am almost neighbors with XBF, GF, and I work with him in a small place so believe me if I was able to reach that point, you will, too!!! and it feels INCREDIBLE
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-choices.html
I have good news about places that trigger, I was a real mess, EVERYTHING had reminders but now I pass a place and yes I still remember but now I don't cry anymore or miss him, it is more like "ugh, GLAD all that is over"! and I keep singing in the car! I am almost neighbors with XBF, GF, and I work with him in a small place so believe me if I was able to reach that point, you will, too!!! and it feels INCREDIBLE
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-choices.html
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
And now I eat my hat.
Just came across a pic of him and GF @ the beach looking cool and smiling. I was facebooking. Damn.
I hate it that it still gets me.
Deep breath.
As it is 530 AM here -cant sleep- this time is a good time to explore my feelings.
I am recalling when we went to the beach - he got SUPER drunk, insulted me and I cried for hours. The trip back was hell.
Why do I think I imagined everything and he is a great guy after all?
Why do I still care?
Why do things seem so easy for him? oh wait, he has the magic potion alright.
So I really want to cry this away but I am ill and can't even cry. Sorry for venting here, MaryGoRound.
I am handing all of you, and myself, to HP.
Just came across a pic of him and GF @ the beach looking cool and smiling. I was facebooking. Damn.
I hate it that it still gets me.
Deep breath.
As it is 530 AM here -cant sleep- this time is a good time to explore my feelings.
I am recalling when we went to the beach - he got SUPER drunk, insulted me and I cried for hours. The trip back was hell.
Why do I think I imagined everything and he is a great guy after all?
Why do I still care?
Why do things seem so easy for him? oh wait, he has the magic potion alright.
So I really want to cry this away but I am ill and can't even cry. Sorry for venting here, MaryGoRound.
I am handing all of you, and myself, to HP.
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no need to apologize I'm glad I could provide some type of space for that.
seriously, my hormones are making me seriously depressed...I have all kinds of hormonal issues..I thought I had pmdd for awhile, but I tired YAZ for that last summer and I seriously went crazy. I made me cry non-stop. This is kind of unrelated, so sorry.
But I need to balance this out..I just want to cry and feel really down. I know everyone feels this way because of pms, but for me its like debilitating...Maybe going back to LoEstrin would be good.
Its hard to life myself out of a bad place, when my body is like this. I tried the AD's for awhile, but don't like them.
So I'll just complain here. Ha.
note of the day: seriously need to learn to stop holding grudges.
I'm glad I could provide some type of space for that. seriously, my hormones are making me seriously depressed...I have all kinds of hormonal issues..I thought I had pmdd for awhile, but I tired YAZ for that last summer and I seriously went crazy. I made me cry non-stop. This is kind of unrelated, so sorry.
But I need to balance this out..I just want to cry and feel really down. I know everyone feels this way because of pms, but for me its like debilitating...Maybe going back to LoEstrin would be good.
Its hard to life myself out of a bad place, when my body is like this. I tried the AD's for awhile, but don't like them.
So I'll just complain here. Ha.
note of the day: seriously need to learn to stop holding grudges.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
YAZ.. yazmin, the anticonceptive? i got a box of that but never used it, I put Implanon.
I thought mood changes were related to it... what has changed with that is that I have NO DRIVE AT ALL.. I believe that is why the anticonceptives work... I got no desire left! LOL.
And it sucks.
Oh well - breathe deeply, do the best you can, take care of yourself....
I am reading The Grieg Club again and I highly recommend that book by Melody Beattie, it makes you feel it is ok to be human........
I thought mood changes were related to it... what has changed with that is that I have NO DRIVE AT ALL.. I believe that is why the anticonceptives work... I got no desire left! LOL.
And it sucks.
Oh well - breathe deeply, do the best you can, take care of yourself....
I am reading The Grieg Club again and I highly recommend that book by Melody Beattie, it makes you feel it is ok to be human........
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So grief club is good? That's about the only self-help book I haven't read.
Ya no u guys are right. I do consider myself a runner, but in consistent one at that. It realllllly does help. Last summer i had a nice thing going, running every day...need to start that up again.
As far as practical things like eating ...I'm horrible at that. I used to be a crazy busy student so I have really bad habit of this poor mentality where I don't eat the right foods I should. I'm anemic and a caffeine junkie. I don't drink enough water and could go hours if not days on one meal.
Thanks for the kick in the butt!
I know there are foods out there that help with this type of thing. I'm really bad at sticking to a routine - I get bored...so I need to focus and the practical things I haven't been like eating, right exercise, scheduling in more fun. I'm just the worst at planning. When I lived on my own I HATED cooking for myself, cuz I'd be so hungry and too tired. So now if someone doesn't throw food at me, I'll just wait around until someone does. LOL.
It sounds silly, but taking care of myself is hard. I started to develop really bad health habits. Cuz it was school, school, school, sewing, no sleep, work, school, sewing, work, struggle with money and time, deal with the alkie, stress about it....and oh yeah I have to remember to eat????
I'm so impractical, on so many levels. Gawd. Flake city.
Geez thanks for the reminder TO EAT, lol.
But for real I've read there are foods that supposedly can help with depression.
I've considered a holistic doc before, b.c I deal with *looks around, whispers* chronic yeast infections. Its back and its suxxxxxxxxx.
Have you had luck with one? They didn't just throw a bunch of supplements at ya?
chants:
forgiveness
forgiveness
forgiveness
hate is toxic. I need to get it out. I really do. I like to write, but I want a reaction lol. I know.
Ya no u guys are right. I do consider myself a runner, but in consistent one at that. It realllllly does help. Last summer i had a nice thing going, running every day...need to start that up again.
As far as practical things like eating ...I'm horrible at that. I used to be a crazy busy student so I have really bad habit of this poor mentality where I don't eat the right foods I should. I'm anemic and a caffeine junkie. I don't drink enough water and could go hours if not days on one meal.
Thanks for the kick in the butt!
I know there are foods out there that help with this type of thing. I'm really bad at sticking to a routine - I get bored...so I need to focus and the practical things I haven't been like eating, right exercise, scheduling in more fun. I'm just the worst at planning. When I lived on my own I HATED cooking for myself, cuz I'd be so hungry and too tired. So now if someone doesn't throw food at me, I'll just wait around until someone does. LOL.
It sounds silly, but taking care of myself is hard. I started to develop really bad health habits. Cuz it was school, school, school, sewing, no sleep, work, school, sewing, work, struggle with money and time, deal with the alkie, stress about it....and oh yeah I have to remember to eat????
I'm so impractical, on so many levels. Gawd. Flake city.
Geez thanks for the reminder TO EAT, lol.
But for real I've read there are foods that supposedly can help with depression.
I've considered a holistic doc before, b.c I deal with *looks around, whispers* chronic yeast infections. Its back and its suxxxxxxxxx.
Have you had luck with one? They didn't just throw a bunch of supplements at ya?
chants:
forgiveness
forgiveness
forgiveness
hate is toxic. I need to get it out. I really do. I like to write, but I want a reaction lol. I know.
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