Thanks Anvil and everyone who replied.
regardless, he needs you right now. he needs your calm, loving direction....your firm boundaries.....and to know that he is hugely important to you.
Very true Anvil, its just sad that thats not the kind of mom I am, actually Its what I wish to be and try to be, but I tend to freak out, yell and make threats that I wont keep and I
push (verbally only) and my son pushes back.
He has been showing those red flags regarding the pot, like walking out the door to go smoke with his friend when I said NO so theres alot of boundaries that need to be in place.
My husband ( after much debate arguing and rough days) finally opened up and explained his real issues about my son. Hes been his step dad since my son was nine (knew him since he was about 4) so he loves him a great deal, and his perspective is son is going the wrong route and from husbands experience --I dont say what I mean and mean what I say ............and he thinks there must be consequences says It took him getting sick of himself and me getting sick of him and finally stick to my threats--- for him to finally make a change in his life............
But as I told him this is my son there is no end to the line with my son...........but there can be boundaries. And my husband KNOWS my weaknesses and limitations better than anyone and he used and crossed them when he was active so why would my son NOT attempt o cross the lines too..... he saw it he learned from both of us.
I told him I cant and wont kick him out and he says he NEVEr wanted me to, but that if I say if you leave dont come back that I better mean it........(no threats i cant do) and husband is right on that, I guess since we did this when he was using way to many times he knows why my son keeps doing the things hes doing ..............I let him and dont hold my boundaries which is true--- I say WAY to many thing out of anger and I will be working NOT to do that.
My son truely wants to move, he didnt get the grades to move off to college right away but he is not wanting to stay home forever.
My issue is he needs to get responsible and move out the right way, with money saved and a plan for being responsible. Not just some cheap dump he and his friends can hang out in and smoke pot all day and end up failing out of school.
Finally son is acting more reasonable and husband and I were able to talk and work some things out Its rough, and I know we have along way to go and I just still need time to get there.
My son has come to the conclusion/understanding that to stay living here he must be respectful no raising his voice, doing what I say no matter how "dumb" it is, no pot in our house or car and no coming home high its all disrespectful period. Plus give me 1/2 of every paycheck regardless how small it is to save for him (because hes proven he will spend all his money on pot and "fun things to do with his friends" with no thought of his future.
And hes going to work towards pulling up his GPA and then in the fall .................IF hes done his part ---husband and I will help him move to the college area he wants to go to, help him get into the "college" apartment with the roomates (random assigned and seperate leases) he can finish off his AA then transfer to university
So, theres light at the end of the tunnel (for him) for reaching that freedom . I think hes beginning to understand i dont just want to keep him home and Rule him.......yet If he wants the freedom and OUR help it has to be with him moving forward not just trying to get a pot house hang out in.
I know he can do the same things anywhere, and he may fall he may mess up but I have to be able to let him................by again he can do things the right way with help or wrong way on his own thats what I am willing to do, its up to him how he choses to go.
He knows i love him and want only the best for him but he also wants to be an adult with No real idea of all that entails
so for the next 3 months we will see how he does I pray he starts seeing that pot and friends arent the end all be all and his future depends on his choices.
Husband has said hes sorry if he was making it more difficult on me, hes scared, scared son will make same mistakes and scared for there to be any reason for him to get violated on probation but most important that he "sees son excusing the drugs, and chosing it over everything else" and is afraid that hes going the "wrong way" I guess in a way the tough line junk was his way to try to control and "prevent" son from being "like me" (husband said)
thanks for the words of support and keep us in your prayers all is calm today but thats only today who knows what tomorrow willl bring
but I am forever grateful for SR and those who are always here to help
I love you guys
PS sorry so long
