Old 05-22-2010, 05:56 AM
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hello guys,
I havent been around much life has been hectic.
Husband is home and hes doing well as far as his recovery

but things are going south with my son. Hes been smoking pot and hes had it in my house and his(MY) car.

husband and I have had a few battles on how to deal with this and frankly

I know what needs to be done but not sure as a mom that I have it in me to draw the line and throw him out.
He walked over the other now he has no car no phone no laptop
but kicking him out I just cant do it.

As you guys may remember husband is now on probation and his position is not only that we cant enable my son but my sons behavior could cause great harm to my husband and his freedom.

Now heres my part...............when my husband says that (thou its true and hes right) I just want to puch him in the mouth (how sad is that?)
Hes been an active addict in and out of treatment for the last 4 years hes clean today, hes clean NOW but from 15 to 19 my son as well as the rest of us..............had our lives turned upside down and inside out because of the husbands choices I feel like he had no right to try to take such a hard line.
I know its not fair to my husband expecially today when hes finally reaching his year clean and trying to be the man I've prayed he would be
yet my mother side blames him to a big degree.

Logically I know, but in my heart I also know I fought tooth and nail for my husband even against what my kids thought was I am again in the same situation only now its between him and my son.

Any advice, scolding, or encouragement
is welcome
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Old 05-22-2010, 06:10 AM
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frankly i wanted to scold when i got to the part about getting so angry w/your husband. i first wanted to say something about you doing some uber-protecting of your son.

but, then i realized that you are hanging onto some pretty deep resentments. they will not completely vanish, imo. are you dealing with this? doing some individual, then perhaps joint counseling is probably in order.

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Old 05-22-2010, 09:33 AM
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thanks for the reply
yes I am working on myself i had to start doing that along time ago due to my craziness over my husbands drug use. We have had therapy together and ya know I thought I was okay, there was alot of hurt and healing to get thru and we worked thru and past a lot of deep stuff.

now with my son smoking pot and my husband and I not in ageement over how to deal with it, the resentments i guess are resurfacing
I am trying to see it from his point of view but honestly If I held the line with him as firmly as he now expects me to hold it with my son we wouldnt have survived and would be divorced by now.

I guess I feel like my husband could be more supportive of me and how this feels for me as well as accept his part and maybe think back to how many times he wasnt here to help with the kids and how he chose to use rather than consider us. Yet hes upset that a 19 year old boy/man is chosing to smoke pot over the wishes of his parent............and his step fathers probation (due to a drug related crime he committed)

I guess to me it seems ----that he wanted my support, help and for me not to give up on him thru his addiction, and now my son is smoking pot
( WRONG ----100% wrong ANY DRUG USE EVER!!!! and I hate that he is doing it at all, it grips me with fear that he could progress to other things)
but husband says the only way to "make him stop" is dont do anything for him, no car no cell no computer no buying him anything and if he keeps smoking kick him out.

Not excuses here just trying to describe the situation..........son has a job, and goes to college is a decent kid in general and thinks pot is okay and says hes not "stupid" enough to do anything else, its his body as long as he doesnt ever bring it in or house or cars again "whats the big deal what I do?"

I wish I could make him NOT smoke pot, I can enforce my house rules but kicking him out if he smokes pot is that really the solution? That to me, would just put him out there with less supervision and more access to worse things...............oh I dont know what to do really I dont.

It looks like I have alot more work to do on me this is not fun. Life was suppose to only hold ONE drug abuser/addict and now when one is good I have another who could very well be headed the same way.
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Old 05-22-2010, 09:54 AM
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(((liesagain))) It must be so hard to see your son struggle as he is now.

My stepson is an alcoholic and an addict. His late mother was an alcoholic. I could sit here from my position as an outsider, look at the past, and blame my husband for not taking both of their kids, plus his two step kids, and getting out. Whether right or wrong, he chose instead to stick it out and try to make life easier by being a stable presence in the lives of the kids and keeping a roof over everyone's head. Is he to blame more than her (the addict)? I have no idea, and it's not for me to judge.

What I do know is that when my A stepson went completely crack crazy, his father kicked him out of the house. He is currently living in the local homeless shelter and working at a fast food restaurant. We try to keep contact with him and let him know how much we love him, but his life is his own now that he is an adult. Do I, the "evil stepmother", want to run and rescue him? Hmmmm...sometimes, but I don't and neither does my husband. It is hard, but we know it is the right thing to do for him and for us.

Huge hugs and many prayers,

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Old 05-22-2010, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you deal with YOUR son as YOU best see fit. it could be he's just doing what teenage boys do....smoke some weed....or he could be acting out as a result of the mayhem...regardless, he needs you right now. he needs your calm, loving direction....your firm boundaries.....and to know that he is hugely important to you.
Excellent! I think your son should always know that he is a priority over a husband who is not his father. I understand that my husband's children will always be more important than I in his life.

If your husband is feeling shaky in his own sobriety by the presence of this new wrinkle caused by your son, then he can decide for himself what boundaries he needs. If those boundaries do not match yours, then you two have some negotiating/deciding to do for yourselves. I agree that ultimately it is your son, and your husband does not get to tell you how to handle your relationship with him.

When my now husband told his son to get out, we were not yet engaged, and I did not live in the house. My main boundary was that I would not be around someone who was high or be in a house that contained illegal drugs. I did not tell him to kick his son out and never would if his decision had been to allow him to stay. I had to choose for myself what I was comfortable around (or not). Your husband has that same choice to make for himself.

Hugs and prayers for you and your son, HG
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Old 05-24-2010, 07:23 AM
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Thanks Anvil and everyone who replied.
regardless, he needs you right now. he needs your calm, loving direction....your firm boundaries.....and to know that he is hugely important to you.

Very true Anvil, its just sad that thats not the kind of mom I am, actually Its what I wish to be and try to be, but I tend to freak out, yell and make threats that I wont keep and I
push (verbally only) and my son pushes back.

He has been showing those red flags regarding the pot, like walking out the door to go smoke with his friend when I said NO so theres alot of boundaries that need to be in place.

My husband ( after much debate arguing and rough days) finally opened up and explained his real issues about my son. Hes been his step dad since my son was nine (knew him since he was about 4) so he loves him a great deal, and his perspective is son is going the wrong route and from husbands experience --I dont say what I mean and mean what I say ............and he thinks there must be consequences says It took him getting sick of himself and me getting sick of him and finally stick to my threats--- for him to finally make a change in his life............

But as I told him this is my son there is no end to the line with my son...........but there can be boundaries. And my husband KNOWS my weaknesses and limitations better than anyone and he used and crossed them when he was active so why would my son NOT attempt o cross the lines too..... he saw it he learned from both of us.

I told him I cant and wont kick him out and he says he NEVEr wanted me to, but that if I say if you leave dont come back that I better mean it........(no threats i cant do) and husband is right on that, I guess since we did this when he was using way to many times he knows why my son keeps doing the things hes doing ..............I let him and dont hold my boundaries which is true--- I say WAY to many thing out of anger and I will be working NOT to do that.

My son truely wants to move, he didnt get the grades to move off to college right away but he is not wanting to stay home forever.

My issue is he needs to get responsible and move out the right way, with money saved and a plan for being responsible. Not just some cheap dump he and his friends can hang out in and smoke pot all day and end up failing out of school.

Finally son is acting more reasonable and husband and I were able to talk and work some things out Its rough, and I know we have along way to go and I just still need time to get there.

My son has come to the conclusion/understanding that to stay living here he must be respectful no raising his voice, doing what I say no matter how "dumb" it is, no pot in our house or car and no coming home high its all disrespectful period. Plus give me 1/2 of every paycheck regardless how small it is to save for him (because hes proven he will spend all his money on pot and "fun things to do with his friends" with no thought of his future.

And hes going to work towards pulling up his GPA and then in the fall .................IF hes done his part ---husband and I will help him move to the college area he wants to go to, help him get into the "college" apartment with the roomates (random assigned and seperate leases) he can finish off his AA then transfer to university

So, theres light at the end of the tunnel (for him) for reaching that freedom . I think hes beginning to understand i dont just want to keep him home and Rule him.......yet If he wants the freedom and OUR help it has to be with him moving forward not just trying to get a pot house hang out in.

I know he can do the same things anywhere, and he may fall he may mess up but I have to be able to let again he can do things the right way with help or wrong way on his own thats what I am willing to do, its up to him how he choses to go.

He knows i love him and want only the best for him but he also wants to be an adult with No real idea of all that entails
so for the next 3 months we will see how he does I pray he starts seeing that pot and friends arent the end all be all and his future depends on his choices.

Husband has said hes sorry if he was making it more difficult on me, hes scared, scared son will make same mistakes and scared for there to be any reason for him to get violated on probation but most important that he "sees son excusing the drugs, and chosing it over everything else" and is afraid that hes going the "wrong way" I guess in a way the tough line junk was his way to try to control and "prevent" son from being "like me" (husband said)

thanks for the words of support and keep us in your prayers all is calm today but thats only today who knows what tomorrow willl bring
but I am forever grateful for SR and those who are always here to help
I love you guys
PS sorry so long
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Old 05-24-2010, 09:31 AM
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Lies-Life was supposed to only hold ONE drug abuser/addict and now when one is good I have another who could very well be headed the same way.

Well it's good to hear from you again....just didn't think it would be for THIS reason, eh?

Bright part about this picture? You have the tools now, and you know how to use them.
This might be a good time to introduce your Husband to Alanon/NarAnon.

PS....Mr.Sofa is out but my Mother who lives across the street from Me is getting drunk every night and is NOW taking is what it is. I'm thankful for you all and the tools I've been given.

One day at a time, right? Good to hear from you.
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Old 05-24-2010, 09:32 AM
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Prayers for you, your son and all your family!

One Day at a Time my friend!!!

And when dealing with a spouse and a child - please please please - remember to take good care of YOU!!!!

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Old 05-24-2010, 02:43 PM
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Thanks Sofa and Japic

It is what it is, Take it easy on ourselves and take one day at a time right? So I'll keep doing that, thanks for the reminder

you wonderful ladies do the same.
Sofa good to see you too!!
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