It tied me in knots too Pork - I hurt a lot of people and wasted a lot of years in self indulgence.
Eventually, I had to accept the past was gone - it remains forever out of my reach now.
I can make amends to a certain extent, but thats about as far as it goes.
What I can change or influence is what I do today.... and that's where I've tried to focus my energies.
I've tried my best the last three years to live the way I should have all along. I don;t know whether it makes reparation for the 20 years I pretty much wantonly squandered, but it's the best I can do - and I'm content with that now.
I drew a line in the sand...and I moved on.
D