littlebird77 I feel for you...I know that letting go...even if we know in our minds it's the "right" thing...can be very difficult. For me, I have made the decision to move on from my AH and this relationship after 10.5 years of being together...and my knowing of his addiction the last 7 to 8 years. I could not make that decision until I learned to love myself...and recognize that I wanted more...and that our daughters needed more.
Currently my AH says he's clean (always questionable though)...but that doesn't matter to me anymore. He's not in recovery...he just abstaining in my opinion. Regardless, my decision to sell our house, divorce and move in with my parents has not wavered because, for me, I WANT to recover now and I can't do it while living in the midst of the chaos that me and AH create when together. I don't want to live with the "crazies" for the rest of my life...awake at night analyzing behavior, looking for missing money, looking for empty pill bottles... For me, life is too short to be a slave to my co-dependency.
So, I'm taking a step back to fix myself...first and foremost. Then, I can make a decision about who I am and what I want...and where I want my life to go. Until I am healed, I don't have the capacity...either emotionally or mentally...to make any decision(s) about a relationship...