when the addict has legitimate issues...

Old 05-22-2010, 01:39 AM
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when the addict has legitimate issues...

Hello, as some of you know, I've been trying to end it with my RABF for, oh five years hehe... He is still clean, but the lifestyle has not changed much. He is no longer engaging with the same people, he looks beautiful, and takes care of himself better... On the flip side, he sleeps all day and watches tv, plays guitar or video games all night... Still no job.

Here is my issue. His father is very ill and in and out of hospitals. So he has a legitimate problem. I say this because he is known to make mountains out of grains of sand with his problems.

The problem I have is that I am not getting any attention or emotional availability. I feel like he has shut me out. I tell him this, and he uses the situation with his dad as a defense. (He is extremely close to his dad, but I feel heartless, because I feel I deserve some attention.)

I guess because this relationship has an underlying element of addiction in the foundation, I can not distinguish a true relationship issue with an addiction issue... Do I make any sense? I feel that all relationships have problems, and what makes the relationship grow is how we handle the issues at hand appropriately and with sanity. But when and where is it when it falls into the addiction part. (him not giving me attention, no job, just as he was when he was active.)

Although I am trying to detach from this, I would love feedback for any future relationships I may have. I feel as though I'm branded by this tragedy of addiction.
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Old 05-22-2010, 03:43 AM
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he sleeps all day and watches tv, plays guitar or video games all night... Still no job.
The problem I have is that I am not getting any attention or emotional availability.


Littlebird...
I'm certainly no expert. But look at what you've written. ARe the traits you describe the ones you want for yourself in a partner? Are you trying to pick your bf apart and categorize his behavior as addiction and non-addiction related? Why? Because if his behavior is addiction related, it becomes more acceptable? Besides, I don't think you can neatly seperate things out like this. He is who he is. And this relationship is either healthy and fulfulling or it isn't.

I think we (and I'm certainly including myself in this) spend too much energy trying to make excuses for the addict. We try to attribute their negative qualities to addiction as though they won't count as much in the big scheme of things. Or maybe we think that by getting clean, these negative things will go away. But in reality, the negatives are the negatives. You say your bf is clean but he still lays around playing video games, doesn't work, and is emotionallly unavailable. Instead of looking at him as a recovered addict with these traits, why not take the 'recovered addict' thing out of the equation and look at the situation for what it is. Maybe your bf is just lazy and emotionally unavailable. Those traits aren't limited to addicts. Whether they are caused by or related to addiction shoudn't really matter. What matters is whether we get what we need from the relationship.
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Old 05-22-2010, 04:43 AM
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I agree with Outonalimb. Addiction aside, is this the kind of relationship that you want? Is this how you wanted to be treated? You deserve to have a fulfilling and loving relationship.
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Old 05-22-2010, 05:16 AM
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I don't believe that being "clean and sober" equals recovery. For me, recovery meant learning a new design for living that required me to learn to love myself and others rather than indulging in self-pity, apathy, and obsessive self interest. For me, that means that a relationship is partnership in which I don't need to make excuses for a seeming lack of caring....because it would simply not seem that way.

Not drinking or using was never enough for me, and I don't think the programs of AA or NA suggest that is the real solution. Clean and sober is IMO only the door opener to true recovery, and I guess my question for him would be whether he has "fearlessly and thoughly" done the 12 steps. What has he changed other than the using? The steps are what changed me, while the recovery fellowships taught and supported me. And I must add that, as an addict/alcoholic, I was expert in using life circumstances to justify and rationalize my "addictive" behaviors....my thoughtlessness, lack of motivation, lack of responsibility and surfeit of self pity.

And my question for you would be....other than the comfort of a predicable relationship.....what's in it for you? Are you being "mommy" to his "irresponsible child?"

Have you checked out Alanon or Naranon meetings? I suspect you'd get some valuable insights from those who have found solutions to the problems you've expressed.

Addiction was my solution to fear, doubt, insecurity and self loathing. It was a toxic solution, and just doing away with the substance did not solve those underlying problems. I needed the courage and humility to trust something/someone outside myself to guide me: for me, that was the 12 step fellowships.

blessings
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:01 AM
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Anvilhead basically asked the question I was going to ask. When he wasn't dealing with this issue with his father did he show you the attention you wanted? Was he there for you emotionally? Depending on the answer to those questions would determine my suggestions.

If he did show you attention and affection before this situation arose, maybe at this time while dealing with his father he needs you to be understanding.

If he never showed you this attention, why would you expect it from him now?

He sounds like a dry drunk. He needs to really get with a sponsor and start working, and more important, living the principles of the 12 steps in his life. He needs to show up for life and start acting like an adult. Being responsible and accountable for his actions.

In any relationship there is a time for one to be there to support the other, and times when the roles are reversed. Most of the time the love and support should be equal.
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:19 AM
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LB - This doesn't sound like a situation good for either of you. You're not getting your needs met on most levels, right? Don't you think you deserve better? 5 years is a long time to be breaking free.

He's clean, but not in recovery, how much longer are you going to give this girl?
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:58 AM
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littlebird77 I feel for you...I know that letting go...even if we know in our minds it's the "right" thing...can be very difficult. For me, I have made the decision to move on from my AH and this relationship after 10.5 years of being together...and my knowing of his addiction the last 7 to 8 years. I could not make that decision until I learned to love myself...and recognize that I wanted more...and that our daughters needed more.

Currently my AH says he's clean (always questionable though)...but that doesn't matter to me anymore. He's not in recovery...he just abstaining in my opinion. Regardless, my decision to sell our house, divorce and move in with my parents has not wavered because, for me, I WANT to recover now and I can't do it while living in the midst of the chaos that me and AH create when together. I don't want to live with the "crazies" for the rest of my life...awake at night analyzing behavior, looking for missing money, looking for empty pill bottles... For me, life is too short to be a slave to my co-dependency.

So, I'm taking a step back to fix myself...first and foremost. Then, I can make a decision about who I am and what I want...and where I want my life to go. Until I am healed, I don't have the capacity...either emotionally or mentally...to make any decision(s) about a relationship...
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Old 05-22-2010, 01:17 PM
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I thought that active addiction was the root of the problem with my addict and that once he was sober we would have the new and improved version of him. Character traits and behaviors exist whether someone is using or not.

I think it's easy to believe that if someone isn't in active addiction that then they would behave in "normal" ways. I didn't realize how many underlying character issues my husband had until the substance went bye bye and the character issues remained. I guess that that is why I believe that working in recovery is vital...and why I refer to my husband as a sober addict vs. a recovering addict. There is a BIG difference.

I understand wanting and needing more. I would rather be alone than with someone that frequently reminds me of what I don't have with them. At least if you are alone there is hope that you will find a partner that is enjoyable to have...not someone that ignores your needs and is there in body only.

Sometimes we work so hard at giving a loved one so many chances and we spend so much emotional energy on them and all we get is the same ole same ole. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The only person I can change is me.

You've spoken your piece and you've made your needs clear. He is answering you plainly and clearly too. It's just hard to accept sometimes though when that response isn't what you want to hear.
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