I don't believe that being "clean and sober" equals recovery. For me, recovery meant learning a new design for living that required me to learn to love myself and others rather than indulging in self-pity, apathy, and obsessive self interest. For me, that means that a relationship is partnership in which I don't need to make excuses for a seeming lack of caring....because it would simply not seem that way.
Not drinking or using was never enough for me, and I don't think the programs of AA or NA suggest that is the real solution. Clean and sober is IMO only the door opener to true recovery, and I guess my question for him would be whether he has "fearlessly and thoughly" done the 12 steps. What has he changed other than the using? The steps are what changed me, while the recovery fellowships taught and supported me. And I must add that, as an addict/alcoholic, I was expert in using life circumstances to justify and rationalize my "addictive" behaviors....my thoughtlessness, lack of motivation, lack of responsibility and surfeit of self pity.
And my question for you would be....other than the comfort of a predicable relationship.....what's in it for you? Are you being "mommy" to his "irresponsible child?"
Have you checked out Alanon or Naranon meetings? I suspect you'd get some valuable insights from those who have found solutions to the problems you've expressed.
Addiction was my solution to fear, doubt, insecurity and self loathing. It was a toxic solution, and just doing away with the substance did not solve those underlying problems. I needed the courage and humility to trust something/someone outside myself to guide me: for me, that was the 12 step fellowships.
blessings
zenbear