Kv-
I'm really sorry for how you are feeling, and I understand feeling confused and stuck.
The problem, of course only as I see it, is that your post is filled with emotional contradictions. No doubt because you are confused about how you feel.
But honestly, you are sending him the messages that you still want to engage with him, even though you say you don't want to. You file a restraining order ( a CLEAR message to anyone that you do not want them near you)...yet you call him to "yell" at him about leaving you messages?
I don't know much about restraining orders, but I am just guessing that phone records showing that you are calling him doesn't look favorably that you actually wanted a restraining order. Should anything like that have to come into question.
Well, as you said, your problem is that you believe him. That of course is something that you have to sort through. I certainly am not going to sit here and say "he's a liar, what are you doing!?? etc"...I don't know him, and I don't know the situation.
And I don't know what to do or say to get away from it.
This is easy. You do and say nothing.....IF you REALLY want to get away from it. You are putting yourself back in the cycle by engaging with him, it seems he is getting exactly the reaction he wanted by leaving you those notes. Now he's got you to the point where you believe him and you are questionning yourself and you don't know what to do...... an addicts dream date!!!
You can change your number, you can get a new email, you can do a number of things.
I gotta say, I felt soooo much confusion and pain when I was still trying to engage with my XA. The BEST thing he did for me was actually never want to speak to me again. The space, the no contact has really helped to bring me peace. No more questionning what I know is true. No more wanting to believe him.
I wish for you some peaceful time to REALLY reflect with yourself and see that being away from the drama feels good. It sounds like you are addicted to the drama right now. You feel empty without it. Trust me...when you're away from it, you will feel anything but empty.
You already know the answers, you just have to trust yourself.
HUGS