kv816

So I called exABF the other day, because I had a rough day and wanted to fight. We finished separating most of our stuff. I left his on my porch in a box. Told him to come get it while I was gone at work that day. He did. And he left bags and bags of my stuff from his house. I thought I got everything when I moved a year ago, guess not. Oh well.

Well, he felt the need to put a little note in EVERY SINGLE BAG. I love you, I want you, I am so very sorry for everything, it was wrong of me to do "this", it was wrong of me to say "this". yadayadayada

I've been telling him, repeatedly, for a month that I don't want it anymore. Don't call me, leave me alone, it's over. I even filed a report for a restraining order, and told him about it (as did three LEO's). And then he pulls this crap of writing letters. I was angry and decided I'd call him and tell him how angry I was about it.

So my problem is.......I believe him. I believe that he's been sober for a month now. I believe that he's sincere in his apologies. I believe that he's gone to meetings like he told me (and like his sister told and thanked me for).

I still love him. But I don't want to be with him right now. I've told him that too. But he says he's going to keep trying. He says he messed up and he's got to be able to fix what he messed up, even it's too late for us. And he wants me to at least sit down and talk with him so he can tell me face to face how sorry he is.

Basically.....he's now a sober co-dependent. And I don't know what to do or say to get away from it.

Kittyboo

Kv-
I'm really sorry for how you are feeling, and I understand feeling confused and stuck.

The problem, of course only as I see it, is that your post is filled with emotional contradictions. No doubt because you are confused about how you feel.

But honestly, you are sending him the messages that you still want to engage with him, even though you say you don't want to. You file a restraining order ( a CLEAR message to anyone that you do not want them near you)...yet you call him to "yell" at him about leaving you messages?

I don't know much about restraining orders, but I am just guessing that phone records showing that you are calling him doesn't look favorably that you actually wanted a restraining order. Should anything like that have to come into question.

Well, as you said, your problem is that you believe him. That of course is something that you have to sort through. I certainly am not going to sit here and say "he's a liar, what are you doing!?? etc"...I don't know him, and I don't know the situation.

And I don't know what to do or say to get away from it.

This is easy. You do and say nothing.....IF you REALLY want to get away from it. You are putting yourself back in the cycle by engaging with him, it seems he is getting exactly the reaction he wanted by leaving you those notes. Now he's got you to the point where you believe him and you are questionning yourself and you don't know what to do...... an addicts dream date!!!
You can change your number, you can get a new email, you can do a number of things.

I gotta say, I felt soooo much confusion and pain when I was still trying to engage with my XA. The BEST thing he did for me was actually never want to speak to me again. The space, the no contact has really helped to bring me peace. No more questionning what I know is true. No more wanting to believe him.

I wish for you some peaceful time to REALLY reflect with yourself and see that being away from the drama feels good. It sounds like you are addicted to the drama right now. You feel empty without it. Trust me...when you're away from it, you will feel anything but empty.

You already know the answers, you just have to trust yourself.

HUGS

wicked

You wanted to fight, because you had a rough day and he is an easy target? Why are you engaging with him at all?

Why did you feel the need to read every single note from every single bag?

Is there a restraining order? 3 law enforcement officers have told him to leave you alone, but yet you call him to tell him yet again how angry it makes you.
So you can hear more stories from him,
he has been sober for a month (so?)
he is sincere in his apologies (so?)
he has been going to meetings (so?)

KV, I am a recovering alcoholic and I can tell you from experience in rehab and around the tables that one month does not a spiritual awakening make. He is operating on automatic pilot because his brain has not reached a balance yet. And now, he wants a face to face with the woman who does not want to even talk to him.

He must find a new and better way to communicate with you. Not as a bad child, waiting for his punishment and making apologies. But as a grown man, who takes responsibility and ownership for his participation in the break down of his life and the breakdown of your marriage.

As long as you send mixed messages (don't contact me, but i will call you) and treat him as an ill child, you will keep getting what you are getting.

I have been there with my ex, when I wanted a grown man to be married to, he could not measure up, nor sober up.

Beth

Summerpeach

I lol with this comment, Points for being honest. How many of us have done that and would not admit it (raises hand)

He's beat you down, hurt you, made you question your sanity and you lost your control. You took your control back and it feels good, now it's nice to have him lose control a bit

To be honest, since you were, since my BF really could care less if I walked or not, I would feel, in a crazy sort of way, he loved me if he begged like your ex is.
It would make me feel validated.

Now having said this, if you TRULY do not want him back, let him and it go and find your happiness. If you want him back, then wait and see what he's made of

kv816

Thanks guys.

Really what I am is unbelievably exhausted. When I called the other day to fight it was an attempt to make him so angry that he'd leave me alone; if that makes any sense. I don't fall apart or get weak when I'm upset.....I get stronger, more determined. I'm trying really hard not to have to change my number again. I shouldn't have to adjust my life anymore than I already have just because he doesn't want to listen to me when I tell him to stop calling me.

Honestly, my call the other day was an attempt to make him hate me (and I actually said that to him when he asked me what he's supposed to do).

I am not going back to him. I don't want to be with him. (said both of those to him too).

Anyway. My phone's been silent for two days now. Fingers are still crossed.

Oh, and as for the notes.....my 2 best friends read them out loud last night, laughing at and cracking jokes. One note said he'd like for us to set up a day maybe once a month to go out to dinner and a movie or both so we can get to know each other again. My bff laughed and said "wait a minute, didn't you tell him you wanted to do the same thing three years ago and instead you ended up at his A sister's house and they got drunk together?"

So maybe I'm just feeling guilty for making fun of him.

Kittyboo

KV.... understand.

And even if your phone wasn't silent....you don't have to engage if you really don't want to. It's that simple.
It seems you're trying to control his behavior. Just move on with your life if that's what you want to do.

wicked

Or, oh my god, try to make him feel guilty. oh yes. i guess i failed to mention that!
LOL
guilty as charged.

:ghug3

Summerpeach

You know, you seem very introverted, tell us how you really feel.....hahaha!

Jadmack25

Isn't it just so amazing, how often these folks see the light, go for help, sober up, embrace recovery, and bomb their long suffering ex with letters and calls, WHEN IT IS TOO LATE AND THE EX IS OVER IT?

I can understand the feelings being muddled, as here is the once love of your life...sober, remorseful, apologizing, vowing his love for you, wanting a new start....all the things you begged and prayed for over years of drinking and neglect.

So WHY couldn't it have happened when you needed it?

I don't know if you are tempted to wait and see how long it lasts, with a view to starting again if he does stay in recovery, or whether it is over and done with for you.

But as was said earlier, a month is nothing, heck his brain is still in transit between stations...and it takes months before the rewiring is finished. At this moment, he is still kicking alcohol toxins out of his body, and it will be like re-arranging deck chairs for a while.

Take what he says, accept his "sorries", as what is due to you.
Be happy he is in a recovery program...for HIS sake.

Then stick to NC, til you know for sure and certain how YOU feel, and what YOU want.....a restart or it is all over.

God bless