kia,
if you were an addict, and every once in awhile you used something that made you feel good, and there were no consequences, would you believe that you could just start using again, no prob? or would you know that it's NOT always like that, that most of the time, the drug use ended up making you feel ROTTEN, remorseful, guilty, unhealthy?
we on this site liken our codependency with an addiction. we go to the person we are "addicted" to, because we feel we need him/her, and it will make us feel better, make the "craving" go away. til next time. but, this relationship with you ex is clearly making you sick.
can you make a deal with us? can you go NO CONTACT for two weeks, see how it goes, then check back in here? (you don't need to leave this site for that time tho!!)
can you at least think about it?
i know how you feel, honestly i do. and you think you have it all under control and such, but i think it's destructive, i really do. i think you are man-dependent, and you get your good feelings from the attention of a man who, in this case, can't give you what you want.
i hope i haven't hurt your feelings....