kia an update

Old 05-12-2010, 07:54 AM
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kia
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kia an update

hiya just thought id update and put my thoughts down as its been a busy few days with the A it started on sat which aint usua1 as its big drinking day and usua11y a day he ta1ks to me and picks fights. He didnt get chance to pick a fight on sat as we spoke for about an hour and he was very sweet with me which is norma1 too starts off nice saying stuff about how i might need to get counse11ing to he1p me get over dad and been sympathetic over my grief about dad a1though i did say i was grieving us too but didnt comment on that then went off to get his tea and didnt come back so got ear1y night.

Next came sunday wasnt on1ine ti11 after teatime but soon as i came on spoke to me straight away asked why i dont ta1k to him first thought it was wierd didnt answer just 1eft it said i wou1d ta1k first if he wanted and went on in that vein for few hours nice conversation even making me 1augh a bit and chatting about dad began to re1ax thought maybe he has changed maybe the counse11ing is he1ping was a few bits that made me think hmmmm 1ike saying he was getting private counse11ing through bupa and was i jea1ous just said no of course im not that any he1p he can get is usefu1 fu11y knowing this was an obvious 1ie on his part then he started with the so forget a11 this bu11shit do u want me back or what has he dumped u then

So then we start the converation about how yes i sti11 1ove him and no im not coming back and no i wont come back ti11 u been in recovery for over a year and as im not even convinced hes stopped drinking then im staying where i am. He was 1ivid so annoyed started making up a11 sorts of 1ies about the guy im with now very obvious 1ies too so much so i added bf in on the chat and we11 prob not a good idea 1ooking back on it seemed it at the time shou1d of just ended the chat the argued for a whi1e currant guy trying to contro1 himse1f and we11 in the end i thought no enough this is doing no good its just feeding him so said im off to bed said im going the A went quiet soon as i went never said another word to currant bf so i was feeding him wasnt i.

Next day nothing off him said he11o never answered was kinda re1ieved but worried next day soon as i signed in straight away spoke to me said sorry he hadnt answered me he was working accpeted this and spoke for 1itt1e whi1e about trivia1 things then he started again attacking me but actua11y didnt bother me this time was 1ike ermmm i heard a11 this before even said to him is this what u do when u dont get your own way throw a11 your toys out of the pram 1ike a big baby to1d him to grow up wasnt happy with that to1d him he serious1y needed some he1p with the drink as he obvious1y has serious prob1ems with it to1d me to go to AA and accused me of drinking too much that was why he had such a bad issue even said he threw away beer at new year to stop me drinking ermmm i was i11 new years day was 1ast thing i was thinking about.


Then the 1ies just kept on coming tripping off his tongue the best one was saying his daughter was visiting him for first time in 3/6 months seemed unsure when she 1ast came but wasnt either as we had been together then and a1so seemed unsure how o1d she was as she hasnt aged since i met him over two years ago was 14 then and is now and then he rea11y 1ost it quoted her friends name wrong1y within seconds kept on saying how coo1 my "dad " is this was suposed1y her ta1king to me but sounded 1ike him making a poor job of it cos how wou1d she know how coo1 he is seen as hes not seen her in years. Just went a1ong with it wasnt worth picking fight over it but just made me see hes no better now than when we broke up think i kinda have hoped he wou1d be getting better by now if hes te11ing the truth over not drinking but its obvious he sti11 is drinking from the behaviour then came the best bit so u want me back then its 1ike nooooooooooooo not again i said dont start this again yes i 1ove u and no i dont want to get back with u so just 1eave it wi11 u then shut it off and went to bed.

So now what do i do i do sti11 1ove but my 1ife atm is moving so far away from him and so much nuttiness i just cant dea1 with that to1d him that too i need norma1ity he said he does too which is why hes not getting back with me 1ike im the nutty one what is this thats going on with him is this a1choho1 or what causing this menta1 stuff i mean has he 1ost his marb1es and wi11 he ever be norma1 again any thoughts on this 1ong post wi11 be appreciated xxxxx
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:19 AM
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To me is seems like he is still drinking and trying to get you to come back in to his life again so someone else can feel bad for his drinking.

I would cut all contact with him if you can or even if you want to because it isnt helping you by the looks of things.

Heis obviosly in denial still as he wouldnt try and make out your drinking was an issue,he would be focusing on himself.

Take a step back from him and no more conversations,look what they are doing to you!

You said a year so make it a year and if he comes back sober and wanting to stay sober then great but whilst you still have contact with him he is going to lie lie and lie again untill before you know it you will be back in the chaos.

Easy to say i know but its for the best and and definetly the best for you.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:24 AM
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Kia,

You've been searching for advice about this for a long time now, and every time you have asked it has been said to you to cut ties with this guy.

I don't understand why you are still speaking with him anyway WHILE you have already started seeing someone else, who you then also posted concerns about.

Why do you keep inviting the drama into your life?

I, we all know, how difficult it can be to go no contact with someone you love, but you are clearly not finished with the drama yet.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:24 AM
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so hard to do though been trying to for a1ong time now cos i do know it wou1d be for the best just i cant do it right now xxxx
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:27 AM
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just i cant do it right now

Yes, you CAN do it, you just don't WANT to. Until you change your life course, I don't know what else can be said.

I wish you the very best, and hope that you find the strength soon to take of you. Good luck!
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:39 AM
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Well atleast try it for a couple of days,give yourself a break from his bs!

Even if its not for good try it just once. xx

I know it is really hard,im sure we all know but ask yourself are you happy being in contact wth him? is it making you happy?
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Old 05-12-2010, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by kia View Post
i do sti11 1ove but my 1ife atm is moving so far away from him and so much nuttiness i just cant dea1 with that
You may have detached yourself physically from him, but you are still very much enmeshed with him.

You say you can't deal with it, but your actions communicate otherwise.

I know for me, I went from one relationship to the next, dragging all my prior baggage with me. It wasn't fair to me, or to the guy I was involved with at the time.

I also kept hoping the past damage would heal, but all I was doing was sweeping it under the carpet.

It took work, lots of internal work, to find recovery for myself.

If you put half as much energy into your recovery as you do hoping he'll get into recovery, you would find a whole different world.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
You may have detached yourself physically from him, but you are still very much enmeshed with him.

You say you can't deal with it, but your actions communicate otherwise.

I know for me, I went from one relationship to the next, dragging all my prior baggage with me. It wasn't fair to me, or to the guy I was involved with at the time.

I also kept hoping the past damage would heal, but all I was doing was sweeping it under the carpet.

It took work, lots of internal work, to find recovery for myself.

If you put half as much energy into your recovery as you do hoping he'll get into recovery, you would find a whole different world.
thanks for your advice it he1ps me to hear this he1ps me to find direction cos right now i fee1 im doing what u did im dragging it with me and its not he1ping cos inside i fee1 so empty how did u get the interna1 he1p was that a1 anon? xxxxx
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by celticghirl View Post
Well atleast try it for a couple of days,give yourself a break from his bs!

Even if its not for good try it just once. xx

I know it is really hard,im sure we all know but ask yourself are you happy being in contact wth him? is it making you happy?
on1y p1ace we ta1k is msn i dont ever phone him or text him or emai1 and i can for short time 1eave it off1ine but it does get me at weak times think we a11 been there eh and is it written that i have to stop 1oving him cos thats the bit im finding tough thanks for 1istening though eh xxxx
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:17 PM
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Your welcome x

You know what you gotta do and you will do it when your ready xx

You can't stop loving someone but you can stop contact that is making you unhappy.
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:26 PM
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thanks eh u must be reading my mind xxxx
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by kia View Post
thanks for your advice it he1ps me to hear this he1ps me to find direction cos right now i fee1 im doing what u did im dragging it with me and its not he1ping cos inside i fee1 so empty how did u get the interna1 he1p was that a1 anon? xxxxx
Alanon has been a tremendous help. I networked with others in recovery from codependency who were further along and could guide me. Having a sponsor I could talk to was a gift.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book, and I still refer to it from time to time.

I also have been in therapy over the years, and am back in therapy again. It's a great way to supplement my recovery when I am really struggling.
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:24 PM
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Kia, love, you are spending an awful lot of hours chatting with this man who is supposedly your ex.

Maybe it's time for a break from the IMs for a little while?
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:34 PM
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You always have the option to block on IM. If you like spending time chatting online then why not try some chat rooms and make some new friends that way you'll have peeps to talk to when you're not speaking to him, just something to fill the time?
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Old 05-13-2010, 02:07 AM
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its the night times are the worse during the day im usua11y quite busy and when i come back in and fina11y sit down i usua11y spend a whi1e reading emai1s etc he just seems to have a knack of catching me when im not doing anything for next few days wi11 be quite busy as garden is in desperate need of a1ot of work and got daughters 18th on sat so that wi11 be busy day too and i know wi11 be knackered from doing the garden p1us other day when he caught me on here was a weak moment that time of the month a1ways makes me more emotiona1 but i agree a1 anon wi11 prob he1p me its finding one 1oca1 to me that doesnt invo1ve other pp1 driving me there and hanging around to pick me back up again on1y one i managed to find was mi1es away need one bit c1oser cos dont drive or one on a bus route and the book i doo have started to read it and fu11y intended to read it a11 but kinda put it aside but wi11 pick it back up again xxxxx
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:25 AM
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kia,

if you were an addict, and every once in awhile you used something that made you feel good, and there were no consequences, would you believe that you could just start using again, no prob? or would you know that it's NOT always like that, that most of the time, the drug use ended up making you feel ROTTEN, remorseful, guilty, unhealthy?

we on this site liken our codependency with an addiction. we go to the person we are "addicted" to, because we feel we need him/her, and it will make us feel better, make the "craving" go away. til next time. but, this relationship with you ex is clearly making you sick.

can you make a deal with us? can you go NO CONTACT for two weeks, see how it goes, then check back in here? (you don't need to leave this site for that time tho!!)
can you at least think about it?

i know how you feel, honestly i do. and you think you have it all under control and such, but i think it's destructive, i really do. i think you are man-dependent, and you get your good feelings from the attention of a man who, in this case, can't give you what you want.

i hope i haven't hurt your feelings....
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:37 AM
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no of course not coffee drinker know u care i wi11 think about it yes and thanks eh xxxxx
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:57 AM
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I just finished reading "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, it was a definite eye opener and definitely me! Some good advice in the book too about how to slowly make yourself healthier, step by step.
It might be a good read for you too. Sometimes doing all these things and having all these suggestions can seem overwhelming, so maybe grab a copy of the book (couple of quid on Ebay) and then work the steps at the back in your own time? Even if you don't work the steps, the book has some really good information that really helped me understand why I always go for blokes who can't give me what I want and the ones that can don't seem exciting enough.
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