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05-12-2010, 11:49 PM

# 7 (permalink)

CrackQuack

Member

Join Date: Mar 2009

Location: Dayton, OH.

Posts: 879

Quote:

Originally Posted by woog

On top of that she has found a friend who will smoke copious amounts of pot with her, she has smoked ten blunts over the past two days. Whenever we drink she gets wasted.
I don't have a problem with pot, I don't have a problem with alcohol but, I have a problem with what she's doing. She also seems content to take Subs and think everything will be OK. I know she's fooling herself but, she's not fooling me. If it was that easy there be would be far fewer addicts out there.
............. What would anyone recommend I say to her? Thanks to anyone for their response and for reading my short story!!

As a recovering addict who doesn't go to many meetings (usually 1-2 a month now) and I have 15 months clean, the first problem I see is that she's still doing drugs. Pot AND alcohol are drugs. She's substituting and could switch addictions. Just like that. Subs, I understand, are for maintenance and are prescribed. It's abuse when she doesn't take them as prescribed. I've even caught myself abusing my vicodins (use them for pain other than prescribed, substituted them for crack, which is my drug of choice, etc. etc.). We have to be very careful, as addicts. Addiction is such a cunning enemy and will get us when we're most complacent. You cannot be OK with pot or alcohol or any of that. If you are, and you say you are, and you condone her using them, you are enabling her and are toxic to her recovery, assuming that recovery is what she wants. And, of course, you know that SHE ALONE has to want it for herself. But she cannot do it alone. My boyfriend, bless his heart, didn't have to do a thing, but after my last relapse in February '09, threw out all alcohol and would not allow anything not prescribed and clearly labeled into his home. Any scripts were to be monitored closely. He did this for almost a year. Now that we're both comfortable (yet watchful!), he keeps beer in the house and is able to drink in front of me. Alcohol was never a problem for me in that I didn't drink too much, but at the time, when I did drink, I'd want to move on to crack. People are on both sides of the fence in that they think he should never drink in front of me or that he should not have to watch what he is doing because hey, he's not the addict, but he made his own choice not to drink in front of me or have it in his house during that time period. I told him he could, but he felt he could not and therefore, did not. I suggest that you do not go out drinking with her, ever. You do not have to take any of my suggestions, though.
Just food for thought. Condoning her actions only encourages them. And eventually, even though she's responsible for her actions, she could switch addictions and then WOULD blame you. It took me a year to stop blaming my XABF for introducing me to crack cocaine. We're human and it's easier to blame someone else, but the thing is IF she switches addictions and ends up blaming you, where does that leave the relationship?
Anyway, giving her an ultimatum most likely will not worked. It has for a few addicts, but the odds are they will choose the drugs over you. And that might leave you feeling inadequate or like you do not matter. And we don't want that either. It is good to talk with her and say something like "Look, I fear that you will switch addictions because I see you smoking so much pot and getting loaded everytime you drink." "I'd like to discuss trying to abstain from ALL drugs and I'll do it with you!" "How about we go to meetings together?" "I really feel I've been misleading you into thinking that I approve of you drinking and smoking pot, when I really do not. Is there any way we can discuss this further and find a way to work a real program of recovery?"
Accusatory statements such as "You're smoking too much pot." "You're drinking too much and you're just going to start doing opiates again." can enrage people and get the wrong kind of reaction.
Sometimes it takes tough love to get an addict on the right path. Today I met a man who was literally handcuffed to a bed, and led around closely by his friends, deep in the woods and FAR away from cocaine, for SIX months. They wanted him to quit that badly and he did. It worked for him. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS ACTION! It's kidnapping for one thing. 15-20 years ago, authorities and people didn't pay as much attention to it, but they DO NOW. It is just an example of an extreme that friends took to get this guy clean. Too extreme. And there is no guarantee it will work.
The guarantee is your GF wanting to get clean and doing everything, EVERYTHING, in her power to get that way. She has to want it. She has to do it for herself! You helping her will work when she's ready to accept your help. But condoning drinking and smoking pot isn't helping. I am not trying to put the spotlight on you or anything. Just hope you realize what some of your actions may be saying to her.
And last, but not least, there is the out. Leaving her. I am lucky in that my boyfriend is willing to ride the rollercoaster with me and has rode through part of my active addiction. The END of it. He makes it clear there is only so much he'll take and he will not tolerate slip-ups or me stealing from him or anything like that. He makes it clear that he will call the police and report his car stolen (mine are broke down right now) if I am gone for long periods of time without explaination and it better be a varifiable one at that. In fact, one night, after picking up local exotic dancers, they suggested we go to the local 24 hour joint for some food and we did. They bought me a delicious meal and asked if we could go get some cigs and stop at Wal-Mart so they can get some massage oil (do not ask!) and I did that too. Arriving at about 6AM the next day, boyfriend was kissing close to calling his car in stolen (and told me he had!). I gave him the one girl's number and the number of an officer (off duty- on watch at the 24 hour diner) I talked with so he could verify his car hadn't been in a great part of town, but was doing nothing nefarious.
I would like to hope a sit down, good, discussion with her would make a world of difference and it might, but until she is ready to completely stop doing drugs of ANY kind (other than scripts and take those AS prescribed!), there is not much you could do for her but to either ride along or leave.