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Could use some advice...

Old 05-12-2010, 05:15 PM
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Could use some advice...

Hey guys, it's been a while. So my GF is a recovering addict from oxy contin. She's been cleanish for about 5 months, she has relapsed twice, that I know of. She's on suboxone 1 8mg/day.
My problem is this. She barely goes to meetings, like once a month and the other day she took 2.5 subs, she's "not sure why." Well obviously she didn't take that many because she needed it. On top of that she has found a friend who will smoke copious amounts of pot with her, she has smoked ten blunts over the past two days. Whenever we drink she gets wasted.
I don't have a problem with pot, I don't have a problem with alcohol but, I have a problem with what she's doing. She also seems content to take Subs and think everything will be OK. I know she's fooling herself but, she's not fooling me. If it was that easy there be would be far fewer addicts out there.
I know I'm in trouble because I'm thinking about trying to control her as little as possible, obviously that's codependent and I will not allow myself to be there again. I've tried to hint to her to go to meetings, and to quit smoking pot like that but, she's content to be doing what she's doing. I've really just about had it. I want her to do what's best for her because she wants to and obviously she's not doing that. Who the hell ever got better from drinking and smoking way too much pot?? I need her to take her recovery more seriously and I do not want the roll that I am finding myself in. What would anyone recommend I say to her? Thanks to anyone for their response and for reading my short story!!
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Old 05-12-2010, 07:45 PM
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(((woog)))

I agree with ((Anvil))) - hate to say it, but it really doesn't matter WHAT you say, she's going to do what she wants to do, and it sounds (IMO) like she has doesn't have recovery on her mind.

The best thing you can do, FOR you, is to focus ON you....since you can't change her, what changes can you make? If her behavior continues, is this acceptable to you? I'm an RA and had to leave my XABF when he chose to continue using. Not only was it threatening my recovery, I simply couldn't live with someone who put drugs ahead of everything else. Yes, it was hard but living with an addict would have been even harder.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 05-12-2010, 07:56 PM
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hi there....ive been on your roller coaster before - i am still with my recovering addict boyfriend - but in a much better place now as HE has made the decision to stop trying to fool himself and others into thinking he was alright

what i personally had to come to terms with was the fact that nothing i did (other than enable his behaviors) made a difference in making him come to terms with the need for his sobriety until he was ready.

my bf was into the opiates too - tough tough stuff. i caught in the beginning of your post how you said 'relapsed twice that i know of' its a good thing that you are able to admit that. addicts are great liars - not because they wanna hurt you, but its the addict in them trying to survive.

i don't have personal experience with subs - only from witnessing my boyfriend go back and forth from subs to using when he couldn't afford to use. but he has stated to me he could catch a buzz from the subs at times. though i know it can be different for others, so maybe that's why she was taking more? does she have a script or getting them off the street?

smoking and drinking a lot is just her addiction popping up with different drugs and in my personal experience its only a matter of time until she finds her way back to her love and her DOC.

addiction is horrible and seems to grab hold of the most amazing people. the worst part is is that it not only affects the one who is addicted but anyone who cares for and loves that person. it is totally consuming. just as the addict needs to realize that s/he is powerless over addiction - we (those who have addicted loved ones) need to realize the same. my advice to you is to be there to support her when she is making healthy sober choices and make sure she knows that you are there for her always when she is making steps towards her sobriety but not when she is engaging in addict behaviors. the best that you can do for her is keep yourself healthy and strong. i know that when my bf was in the midst of his darkest days of using i was the biggest enabler - because i thought i was doing good for him - i have now realized that i added to the problem. the best you can do is be strong and healthy and supportive of her sobriety and realize that it is a choice she needs to make and be committed to.

private message me if you ever need to vent

christie
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:06 PM
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Thanks for the response guys. It's about what I figured. I'm gonna have to ultimatum her ass, LOL. She's frickin passed out in bed from smoking dope all day right now....UGH!!!!! I came in with the groceries and she usually likes to put away everything and organize and I said "you wanna put em away?" She responds with "I just want peace and quiet." That doesn't work for me!!!!!! Thanks again and I'm sure I'll be back here and some point. Peace!
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Old 05-12-2010, 09:53 PM
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i'm sorry you're still having a difficult time with your agf. one burning question i would have would be

why are you drinking with this addict?

my xabf is on methadone maintenance. in the early stages of the program, after he got to take home three days' worth at one time, he would sometimes dip into the next day's dose. from what i hear this is somewhat common. it is hard to do a turnaround - they are used to being in an altered state, and they WANT to be in an altered state. it's something they have to come to terms with, and realize that it is sabotage. it took mine a few months to just do the program the way he's supposed to.

your girlfriend wants to be high, plain and simple. even if she didn't take extra suboxone, she is still getting high. is she in recovery? not even close.

you know the truth. what are you going to do, after you get up in her face yet another time?
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:02 AM
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You're assuming a lot and I feel as if your comment is a bit of a bait...She didn't have a problem with pot, she didn't have a problem with alcohol. She is who she is and to expect her to go cold turkey on everything is unrealistic for her. My stance is if us going to the bars like maybe once a week, and smoking pot here and there helps her stay sober, I'm fine with it. However, now since those crutches are appearing to be a problem I'm not ok with it. I rarely get in her face over anything, even when she relapsed. I don't scream at her about it, I just ask that she tells me when she screws up.
I'm at about my breaking point. I'm going to sit her down and tell her to get serious or I'm gonna bounce, plain and simple.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:49 AM
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Originally Posted by woog View Post
On top of that she has found a friend who will smoke copious amounts of pot with her, she has smoked ten blunts over the past two days. Whenever we drink she gets wasted.
I don't have a problem with pot, I don't have a problem with alcohol but, I have a problem with what she's doing. She also seems content to take Subs and think everything will be OK. I know she's fooling herself but, she's not fooling me. If it was that easy there be would be far fewer addicts out there.
............. What would anyone recommend I say to her? Thanks to anyone for their response and for reading my short story!!
As a recovering addict who doesn't go to many meetings (usually 1-2 a month now) and I have 15 months clean, the first problem I see is that she's still doing drugs. Pot AND alcohol are drugs. She's substituting and could switch addictions. Just like that. Subs, I understand, are for maintenance and are prescribed. It's abuse when she doesn't take them as prescribed. I've even caught myself abusing my vicodins (use them for pain other than prescribed, substituted them for crack, which is my drug of choice, etc. etc.). We have to be very careful, as addicts. Addiction is such a cunning enemy and will get us when we're most complacent. You cannot be OK with pot or alcohol or any of that. If you are, and you say you are, and you condone her using them, you are enabling her and are toxic to her recovery, assuming that recovery is what she wants. And, of course, you know that SHE ALONE has to want it for herself. But she cannot do it alone. My boyfriend, bless his heart, didn't have to do a thing, but after my last relapse in February '09, threw out all alcohol and would not allow anything not prescribed and clearly labeled into his home. Any scripts were to be monitored closely. He did this for almost a year. Now that we're both comfortable (yet watchful!), he keeps beer in the house and is able to drink in front of me. Alcohol was never a problem for me in that I didn't drink too much, but at the time, when I did drink, I'd want to move on to crack. People are on both sides of the fence in that they think he should never drink in front of me or that he should not have to watch what he is doing because hey, he's not the addict, but he made his own choice not to drink in front of me or have it in his house during that time period. I told him he could, but he felt he could not and therefore, did not. I suggest that you do not go out drinking with her, ever. You do not have to take any of my suggestions, though.
Just food for thought. Condoning her actions only encourages them. And eventually, even though she's responsible for her actions, she could switch addictions and then WOULD blame you. It took me a year to stop blaming my XABF for introducing me to crack cocaine. We're human and it's easier to blame someone else, but the thing is IF she switches addictions and ends up blaming you, where does that leave the relationship?
Anyway, giving her an ultimatum most likely will not worked. It has for a few addicts, but the odds are they will choose the drugs over you. And that might leave you feeling inadequate or like you do not matter. And we don't want that either. It is good to talk with her and say something like "Look, I fear that you will switch addictions because I see you smoking so much pot and getting loaded everytime you drink." "I'd like to discuss trying to abstain from ALL drugs and I'll do it with you!" "How about we go to meetings together?" "I really feel I've been misleading you into thinking that I approve of you drinking and smoking pot, when I really do not. Is there any way we can discuss this further and find a way to work a real program of recovery?"
Accusatory statements such as "You're smoking too much pot." "You're drinking too much and you're just going to start doing opiates again." can enrage people and get the wrong kind of reaction.
Sometimes it takes tough love to get an addict on the right path. Today I met a man who was literally handcuffed to a bed, and led around closely by his friends, deep in the woods and FAR away from cocaine, for SIX months. They wanted him to quit that badly and he did. It worked for him. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS ACTION! It's kidnapping for one thing. 15-20 years ago, authorities and people didn't pay as much attention to it, but they DO NOW. It is just an example of an extreme that friends took to get this guy clean. Too extreme. And there is no guarantee it will work.
The guarantee is your GF wanting to get clean and doing everything, EVERYTHING, in her power to get that way. She has to want it. She has to do it for herself! You helping her will work when she's ready to accept your help. But condoning drinking and smoking pot isn't helping. I am not trying to put the spotlight on you or anything. Just hope you realize what some of your actions may be saying to her.
And last, but not least, there is the out. Leaving her. I am lucky in that my boyfriend is willing to ride the rollercoaster with me and has rode through part of my active addiction. The END of it. He makes it clear there is only so much he'll take and he will not tolerate slip-ups or me stealing from him or anything like that. He makes it clear that he will call the police and report his car stolen (mine are broke down right now) if I am gone for long periods of time without explaination and it better be a varifiable one at that. In fact, one night, after picking up local exotic dancers, they suggested we go to the local 24 hour joint for some food and we did. They bought me a delicious meal and asked if we could go get some cigs and stop at Wal-Mart so they can get some massage oil (do not ask!) and I did that too. Arriving at about 6AM the next day, boyfriend was kissing close to calling his car in stolen (and told me he had!). I gave him the one girl's number and the number of an officer (off duty- on watch at the 24 hour diner) I talked with so he could verify his car hadn't been in a great part of town, but was doing nothing nefarious.
I would like to hope a sit down, good, discussion with her would make a world of difference and it might, but until she is ready to completely stop doing drugs of ANY kind (other than scripts and take those AS prescribed!), there is not much you could do for her but to either ride along or leave.
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:41 AM
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to expect her to go cold turkey on everything is unrealistic for her.

It's unrealistic because she isn't ready to live a sober life yet. And the record will keep skipping until she makes the decision to choose to get help.

The ultimatums that you plan on giving her aren't for her, they're for you. There is nothing you can say or do to change the course that she is on. We have all tried that tactic too. It is a way to try to control the addict into being the kind of person we want them to be. They are the only ones who can make that decision, we cannot do it for them.The only thing you can do is choose what kind of life YOU want to have for yourself...and either accept her the way she is or move on.

Just come here and read and read and read....you aren't alone in this, and you do have choices.



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Old 05-13-2010, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by woog View Post
I'm gonna have to ultimatum her ass, LOL. She's frickin passed out in bed from smoking dope all day right now.
this is what i was referring to, when i said "get up in her face"

and the second sentence, her smoking dope all day, is also what i was referring to.
i am assuming that she is getting high because she is. i'm assuming that she wants to be high, because she is getting high. and if what you said is correct, it's every day.

your statement that "she is what she is" is absolutely true. sugarcoating it will not make her not an addict, who is currently not clean and sober. you said that you feel going to the bar, and/or smoking some pot helps to keep her sober. but she is using drugs - so she is clearly not.

for sounding like a smart-a*s, and for being perhaps too blunt, i apologize.
i stand by what i said, however, and truly hope that you can keep seeking answers. they're out there, and that will only help you.
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:30 PM
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Hey everyone thanks for all the responses. I realize I'm not being specific enough or explaining as much as I should.
Ideally she would be 100% sober and I would be that way around her as well. I would of course prefer that. I am not denying that she is not sober.
What I meant is that if us smoking a little pot, and going to a bar, or having drinks once a week prevents/helps her from relapsing on Oxy then I am perfectly ok with that. I don't consider getting drinks/drinking a little wine once a week to be problematic nor do I consider smoking pot a few times a week. However, I do take issue with her actions of late.
I do realize a person needs to recover by being sober in order to get used to reality in a sober state of mind. I realize how important that is. I would agree that she does not want to be, nor is she ready to be cold turkey off of everything and realize that is a bad sign.
When I said "I am going to ultimatum her." I didn't literally mean I am gonna say "quit everything now, or I am gonna bounce." I am going to tell her how I feel and ask her how she thinks her recovery is going. I am then going to tell her my concerns and ask if she feels the same way. If she asks me what I want her to do, I'm going to ask her the same question. I want her to do what she wants to do to better herself, not because I want her to. I am very careful to act that way. It's not going to better her if she doesn't do it for herself I get that.
I am playing with the hand I am dealt. I am gonna talk with her and hopefully she'll want to do this on her own and only needed a bit of a push from me. I'll let you all know what happens. I don't mean to sound defensive and truly appreciate all of your input and advice. Thank you.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:15 PM
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Going to bars and smoking pot together does not help someone stay off their DOC.

Case in point, I used to be able to smoke a little pot and go out to bars without having it turn into a rip-roaring nightmare. but then my addictions progressed and I got hooked on cocaine and eventually crack. I was no longer able to handle the bar scene. I was no longer able to use drugs recreationally or go out and "party" a little bit. As an addict, those kinds of behaviors lead me back to my drug of choice. In order to stay off cocaine, I have to stay out of those situations.

So I totally understand wanting to 'party' with your girlfriend like a 'normal' couple (and not have her get out of control) Unfortunately, it just may not be in her realm of ability anymore to do that anymore - no matter what you think or how you wish things could be.

Once you are a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber. It's a tough thing for addicts and alcoholics to deal with - and their sig others too. But that's the way it is.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:00 PM
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The pickle to cucumber analogy is the best advice I've gotten, LOL!!
Her actions weren't what I would consider, as I have said, a risk until this past week. However, I am obviously open to the opinion/likelihood that it was only a matter of time for this to become a problem.
I do know two other addicts both on Subs, who still drink/smoke pot here and there and are able to remain in control. I think that's why I've maintained this stance.
She starts a new job tomorrow, so I've been waiting for her to get that over with before I speak with her about this.
Thank you again for your advice and help, even though I might not be acting on it all, this is really the only forum where I can speak with people who've had these experiences. Thank you.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:07 PM
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Sounds like you are pretty wrapped up in HER affairs.

How are you doing with your own?
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Old 05-14-2010, 12:18 AM
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I'm doing ok, thank you. I understand an addicts gonna do what an addicts gonna do...So I either leave, say nothing, or talk to her. I'm at least going to talk to her, I don't see that as hugely codependent. I'm not telling her to not smoke with this guy etc...
Why shouldn't I talk to her?
I asked for advice and was basically told what I already know. I wanted to see if there was something I hadn't thought of. I appreciate what you're saying, I hope I'm not coming off ignorant.
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Old 05-14-2010, 06:51 AM
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"....I don't see that as hugely codependent."

Most of us don't....that's how we came here in the first place!

Try to be mindful of your expectations....why are you going to "talk" to her and what do you anticipate the outcome will be?

Are you really talking to her for her....or are you talking to her in the hopes that you will get what you want out of all of this?

"I hope I'm not coming off ignorant."

No one here thinks your ignorant....um, have we met? This is the one place in the world you should feel safe. We're all in the same boat, some of us have landed...some of us have set sail...and some of us have just pushed off....but we're all trying to go to the same place.


"F U DRUGS!!"

I agree.
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Old 05-14-2010, 09:25 PM
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I appreciate that...We are now interweb buddies...
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Old 05-17-2010, 05:47 PM
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Well I talked to her and the outcome was as expected...Slightly defensive and insulted. I tried to ask questions more than anything to try and build off her answers etc.
Long story short, I told her I don't have a problem smoking pot but, I'm not going to date a pot head who isn't taking their recovery seriously. She told me I was right that's she smoking too much pot, she won't let it become a problem etc. Too bad that in itself is a obviously a problem as I shouldn't have to tell her that. So, that's the only time I'm gonna talk to her about it. I'm looking out for numero uno and if she becomes a liability it's tough love time. Thanks again everybody for your help and advice I am very thankful to have this forum to turn to. Peace!
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