Most of today, and this whole week for that matter, I have been gripped by fear and sadness. At times I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. At work I have just kind of been taking up space this week. I know this will ring true to all of the teachers out there - man, is it hard to teach when your thoughts and emotions are a million miles away!
All of the feelings that have been ruminating in the background for these last few months have finally come to a head. And really, it's been years, not months. After two awful, anxiety-inducing weekends in a row, I just can't ignore my situation any more. The codie in me wants to think that I'm just overreacting, that natural tendency to downplay again at work. After all, he had just gone to play golf on Sunday and he didn't go out this weekend. But being pretty drunk at home alone to me was pretty unacceptable. I talked to my friends about this, and they all seemed to agree. I looked at this bank account later that night, and he had spent $26 at the liquor store that day. $26!! I just recoil when I hear his drunk voice. He's that fake sort of happy that I hate, that like temporary giddy that you know can change in a heartbeat. My dad's like that too. I don't call him in the evenings because that is what he usually sounds like. So I had this instant, almost physical reaction! My armpits start sweating. Heart rate increases. And I become distant, so distant. I'm just going through the motions you know? But my mind is a million miles away. I want to keep him talking a bit though, so that I can "investigate" as to just how drunk he is. He's on to me though. I say, "well, you kinda drunk babe." He responds, "I'm eating." ??!! What the heck does that mean?? Then he says, "well I had a couple of beers." Hmm....I do enjoy some beer myself and I haven't spent $26 at the liquor store unless it's New Years Eve!!! Anyway, my spirits just plummeted. Again. I don't know if it was the straw that broke the camel's back or what, but I can't seem to ignore all of this anymore.
He has picked up on this. He has sensed how distant I am and how gloomy, and now he is just trying to dote on me. It's making it much harder for me, as he intended.
First he goes out of his way to tell me he has cut down his tobacco consumption and brough his Commit lozenges to work. Then he called the credit company right away like I asked him to. He is checking up with me via text much more often, seeming much more interested than usual. He chose today of all days to schedule a series of counselor appointments, 11 actually. He sends me a text about how he misses the dog, wishes he could cook dinner for me... Ahhhh!!!!! I did tell him this morning that I was having a hard time and that we needed to talk this weekend. I tried to be straightforward and just said that I was having a rough time, that it had been a tough few months, and I was doing a lot of thinking. I thought it was interesting that he almost instantly said, "Well, does this mean I'm not coming to Texas??" I mean, how did he jump to that already. This trip is one of the immediate concerns. He finally has over two weeks off of work and is supposed to come here in two weeks. I've definitely decided that I'm not going to have him come here and then blindside him or anything, but I am still unsure if I am supposed to call the entire thing off or what. That is what I am sorting through. If he does not come down, then I instantly have to come clean with my family that Mem. Day weekend. But like some of you said, I should be doing that already. I haven't figured out how to go about doing that yet, since I'm still working it out for myself. Again, back to the little codie in me. I am always looking for a way to minimize the pain and anguish of the situation, like, well, I can eventually end things but I should probably at least spend some time with him in June so that he's not that much more upset, alone, and disappointed.
I'm just really struggling to be so strong and acting with conviction when I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. I'm trying to stick to this though, even if for simplicity's sake:
I had boundaries once. Ever since I met him, they have been constantly renegotiated and crossed. I have put up with behaviors that I would tell my friends not to. I have put up with behaviors that if you asked me 10 years ago, I never would have imagined tolerating. I don't trust him. I haven't trusted him for years. He has had every opportunity to earn it back and made other choices. It is very likely he has cheated on me. I caught him talking to another woman already. How does that bode for five years down the road? I need my own recovery in order to not continue making the same mistakes and to gain some clarity. After all, he is one of a few alcoholics in my life counting my dad. I don't think I could forgive myself if we had children together and I exposed them to so much pain, due to my decisions. I need to look at the as is situation, not the could be. (the "could be" is his constant sell) I need to surround myself with people that are healthy in their own relationships and love and respect me. I have a lot of that here....HERE, where I SIT, as I'm typing to you now. I am exhausting myself trying to own his emotions. All damn day, I picture how hurt he'll be, how sad he'll be. Why do his emotions frighten me more than my own?
I guess I will leave it at that for now. I was unable to make a meeting tonight. I just needed some sleep so badly, as I am exhausted. I am going to try again tomorrow night. I have had two friends, and a friend of a friend, even offer to go with me, which means the world to me. My roommate's co-worker is a veteran of all this and she sent her home with the daily meditations book and told my roommate we (AF and I) don't stand a chance unless we both recover. That is what I'm trying to analyze too. Would I want to be with him if he seeks recovery? The answer, sadly, is no. I have seen him go through that twice and he didn't pursue any of it the minute he left the sober house. He was doing some wonderful growing in the process too, so it was sad. So you could say he is in active addiction right now even though he has cut the frequency of his drinking down?? That's what he'll say too is how upset he is, because he is so much better now than he was (because he's not smoking crack). Tonight I will be working on that list, of what I want out of a relationship/marriage, and using it to analyze what I have. Maybe that will be an eye opener too.
Thanks, guys. Have a peaceful evening.