Hi Naive-
NC ended when I started considering going to counseling with him. In therapy we discussed who I could have at the wedding with me for support because my dad was there. I chose to take AH because he has been consistently supportive about my father for the duration of our marriage, it's one of the only ways he's been consistent. He actually was very helpful too. I'm glad he was there.
That said, I am not NC with him, but have clear boundaries, my own life and program. And we don't often have contact. My choice. I am focused on my life, my kids lives. I come here for the questions I have about him, but they really take up very little of my time. It's good math. For now, I"m comfortable with these boundaries and when/if necessary will go NC again.
The triggers are very ugly, I"m seeing them more clearly now and getting a handle on them. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling much "love" towards AH, maybe it's because all this time I thought I loved him, but it was really just the intensity of the PTSD? Now that I'm finally able to release the last of that crap, I'll have to sort out what my life will really be like. Maybe it's because I've been sucked dry, I dunno.
Peach, I don't want to hurt him. I'm not misleading him, I"m being honest about my feelings and observing them. And it's not that I have none, just am surprised that I"m not elated he's working so hard (for an entire month or so) to win me back.
In therapy, we're working to release the issues, the traumas, that are stuck in certain parts of my brain and never get properly processed. This will allow me, finally, to "get over it." That's the nature of the beast with PTSD. YOu just can't get over it. The event keeps emerging and it's as traumatic as when it occured.
I still see the parts of him that are sick-the A parts. He's like a child in many ways. I am too of course, but you folks here have taught me way more about alcoholism than I ever knew. He's a man in many ways, but that part of him that is an A is still there, growing. yeah. Maybe that's why I'm not sure I love him anymore. I dont' want a king baby man child. When I think about it, I am happy alone with my kids, sisters, friends, career and little dogs.
When he schedules the appointment I'll go and tell all of this to him and the counselor. See what happens then. Unless I've decided not to. My choice.