I might not love AH any more

Old 05-10-2010, 04:36 PM
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I might not love AH any more

Wouldn't that be a shocker?

He still wants to reconcile, has found the therapist. We are friendly, and he actually went to my cousins wedding with me and the kids to support me while my dad was in town. We had fun, but I would have had as much or more without him. I'm very comfortable on my own.

There's no sign of OW. He calls her horrible names.
When I trigger about his affair, he apologizes. Is learning more about PTSD and how to be supporive.
He's controlling his drinking not getting drunk--which won't last I can tell you that.

I thought recently that if he kept this up, and became husband of the year, for I dunno, three years, I might feel safe around him again.

But mostly I feel nothing. I know its smart to not trust him, or get too close, but this isn't intellectual. It's internal. My give a sh1t is broken I think.

He is an A and anything can happen at any time. Actions speak louder than words, and in time he'll show his true self.

I dunno. I'm not taking too much time to think about it or spend time with him. STill focusing on me, still working my own program. Not getting boundaries all screwed up.

I don't feel desperate, I don't feel elated that he's working this hard. I just want to clean the kitchen and go to bed.

My work has taken an intense turn and I now have a team of young film makers following me around making a documentary--which is perfect. The only way to accomplish what I need to is to show the reality of the situation to the world. So, my work is very much consuming. And fulfilling.

I am loving my kids, working on helping them overcome their issues from their screwed up parents.

I just don't really care that much about him. It's weird..

Thanks for listening. And by the way, if you are new here, thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope too. It really helps me.
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:41 PM
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So, is he "working this hard" because he thinks there is still the possibility of a future with you? Are you going to attend therapy with him? If you told him there is no possibility of a reconciliation, do you think he would continue to work so hard? It's really none of my business, but if you are absolutely sure you will not reconcile with him, I think you should tell him that. It just seems like you are leading him on a bit. I may be wrong, but that's just how it comes across to me.
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Old 05-10-2010, 05:10 PM
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I hope this works out how you want it too. It would be great to see an A actually recover on here but do what's best for you as only you know. Hugs!!
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Old 05-10-2010, 05:12 PM
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Many Alcoholics actually recover here. As a matter of fact, I am one of them. Check out some of the other forums.
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Old 05-10-2010, 05:30 PM
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That's the thing Suki, I don't know. I thought I wanted to reconcile, but feel so void of emotion for him.
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Old 05-10-2010, 05:36 PM
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Well, if you are waffling, you can be sure he's going to do his best to convince you that he has changed. A few months of therapy and putting his best foot forward is a small price to pay to get you back. The thing is, you have spent several years with him already. He has lied, cheated on you and treated you horribly. Until you actually live with him again, you can't possibly know that he won't return to the same person he was in the past.
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Old 05-10-2010, 06:04 PM
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Sounds like a good issue to bring to your own personal therapist. In most cases I think, the marriage counselor is under the assumption that both parties want to make the relationship work. Exploring your feelings, or lack of, with your own therapist might bring more clarity to the situation before you jump in to marriage counseling.

Just my thoughts,

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Old 05-10-2010, 06:13 PM
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Yep all true, all true. Thanks.

I'm more amazed by my lack of emotion than anything else. I've been clear with him about where I'm at.

I"m sure the lack of emotion is due to knowing that all this quacking won't last. Seriously. But it does make me wonder if I even love him anymore. I can't imagine many others would after everything he's done to intentionally destroy our marriage.
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Old 05-10-2010, 06:48 PM
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It's indifferance and it's a beautiful place to be. Your soul is finally taking notice that there is really nothing about this man you want to love romantically.
He's tapped you dry
Letting him think there is a chance is maybe a part of you that wants him to hurt like he hurt you. I think it's a normal reaction to want the person who causes you the most pain ever to want to feel some back.
Personally, if I had no feelings left, I would just smile and walk away relieved it was all over.
White flag and all :-)
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Old 05-10-2010, 07:00 PM
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My two cents worth is that in a way the relationship that was is broken. That means a new one has to emerge. You get to direct the new one either into the old one or a new one. You have choices!

It seems that the relationship has to start from the beginning in the sense of rebuilding. Starting fresh, getting to know each other in a different way and perhaps focusing on building a friendship first and then the other if it follows. Does that make sense?
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Old 05-10-2010, 11:28 PM
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hi transform-

what happened to no contact? he's taking you to family weddings? he's controlling his drinking? he's badmouthing OW?

transfrom, this is that slippery slope we are all trying to get off of.

i know it feels good when they want to reconcile, when they make a few changes, when they get rid of their other lover, etc.

but the bottom line is that as long as they are drinking, all those things can happen all over again. i know you even state that in your post, but i'm concerned that he is back in the picture.

i know you feel indifferent but i would guess that all it would take to trigger again would be another episode of lying drunken cheater to feel un-indifferent and hurt all over again.

how did he slip back in like that? why did you let him? he already showed his true self, remember?

it's a recipe for disaster, my friend. he's still drinking. alcoholics cannot control their drinking! watch out, tidal wave on the horizon!

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Old 05-11-2010, 02:31 AM
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One can only take consistently being shat upon for so long. This lack of emotion does not surprise me. It is where I arrived albeit a lot sooner, perhaps because I'm a man, who knows. A's always take trust, good will and love and they flush it all straight down the toilet. I'm not surprised your tank is empty. This is a good thing, you're healing.

I say go with it - serenity will soon follow.
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Old 05-11-2010, 04:05 AM
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Hi Naive-
NC ended when I started considering going to counseling with him. In therapy we discussed who I could have at the wedding with me for support because my dad was there. I chose to take AH because he has been consistently supportive about my father for the duration of our marriage, it's one of the only ways he's been consistent. He actually was very helpful too. I'm glad he was there.

That said, I am not NC with him, but have clear boundaries, my own life and program. And we don't often have contact. My choice. I am focused on my life, my kids lives. I come here for the questions I have about him, but they really take up very little of my time. It's good math. For now, I"m comfortable with these boundaries and when/if necessary will go NC again.

The triggers are very ugly, I"m seeing them more clearly now and getting a handle on them. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling much "love" towards AH, maybe it's because all this time I thought I loved him, but it was really just the intensity of the PTSD? Now that I'm finally able to release the last of that crap, I'll have to sort out what my life will really be like. Maybe it's because I've been sucked dry, I dunno.

Peach, I don't want to hurt him. I'm not misleading him, I"m being honest about my feelings and observing them. And it's not that I have none, just am surprised that I"m not elated he's working so hard (for an entire month or so) to win me back.

In therapy, we're working to release the issues, the traumas, that are stuck in certain parts of my brain and never get properly processed. This will allow me, finally, to "get over it." That's the nature of the beast with PTSD. YOu just can't get over it. The event keeps emerging and it's as traumatic as when it occured.

I still see the parts of him that are sick-the A parts. He's like a child in many ways. I am too of course, but you folks here have taught me way more about alcoholism than I ever knew. He's a man in many ways, but that part of him that is an A is still there, growing. yeah. Maybe that's why I'm not sure I love him anymore. I dont' want a king baby man child. When I think about it, I am happy alone with my kids, sisters, friends, career and little dogs.

When he schedules the appointment I'll go and tell all of this to him and the counselor. See what happens then. Unless I've decided not to. My choice.
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Old 05-11-2010, 06:39 AM
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The key is that he needs to learn that he has come to the end of the road. He needs to learn he has no solution for life and needs an alternative coping system based on 12 steps of AA to cope with life

His solution of coping with life through bottle has resulted in disaster. He cannot handle his feelings without a drink and no matter what steps he takes with the thearpist, he will not succeed until he quits drinking.

He have to learn that the new coping system is based on spirituality. Having higher power is essential for his spiritual recovery because his ego needs to be right-sized until he reaches a point of humility where he learns that the universe does not revolve around him.

The memories that trigger the PTSD will be wiped away with a through spiritual recovery program. It is essential that he needs to start a seeking spiritual solution and an exit from alcoholism The solutions in the rooms and finding solace in alternative spirituality like Zen Buddhism.
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Old 05-11-2010, 06:40 AM
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The thing is, you have spent several years with him already. He has lied, cheated on you and treated you horribly. Until you actually live with him again, you can't possibly know that he won't return to the same person he was in the past.
Well I ain't livin with that guy again unless he's been sober for years. Fat chance huh? I not even interested in discussing that either unless we're in a room with a mediator.

the interesting part to me is that I used to define him the way you have above, but now that I"m not doing magical thinking or awfulizing, I can see how he was all those things, but also kind, supportive, hard working, a good father and really tried to fix things--before he started his affair.

Whatever. This has already taken up too much of my time for today. Leaving for a 5 city tour tomorrow! Wahoo! Promoting my newspaper, setting up contacts in FL where I hope to move someday and having political strategy meetings--PLUS seeing my sister perform in Key West and New York City.

Have a great day everyone!
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Old 05-11-2010, 07:17 AM
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It's OK to be done.

Maybe you are Done.

CLMI
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Old 05-11-2010, 07:53 AM
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Whatever. This has already taken up too much of my time for today.
hey transformie-

that hurts when you minimize our input in such a manner. just thought i'd verbalize that.

naive
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Old 05-11-2010, 08:05 AM
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Naive,

I think Transform was talking about the question of whether she still loves her A taking up her mental real estate, not our input.

She, of course, can speak for herself on this matter, but I didn't get the impression her remark was directed at our responses at SR.

CLMI
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:07 AM
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"But mostly I feel nothing...."
That is exactly how I feel about my AH...I don't feel hate, but I don't feel love. I don't really feel anything toward him, but maybe pity. I know better than to believe he could control his drinking as well - been there tried that and it ALWAYS comes back! I don't know what I am doing becasue feeling nothing feels very empty! It is a very sad place to be.
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:37 AM
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I have felt nothing for months now. It doesn't really bother me, it's given the wounds time to heal. If anything I feel a lot stronger now, so much stronger now, because the shroud of lies has been completely removed from my life, you actually need to be numb otherwise you would get sensory overload. Like a healing wound, it's nature's way.

All I know is I don't feel the intense lingering emotional hurt that I had even up until late last year. Thank God that is gone. Numbness? I'll take it anytime. At least I can keep buggering on.

Sure, I then went through anger and now the odd bout of contempt. The guilt is going away though.
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