I appreciate your responses. Yes, unfortunately it is legally binding. I just spent the evening with two of my best friends. They did a lot of listening, most of which they've already heard. I am so fortunate to have these people in my life. I find it odd that my fiance (I'm sorry...legal or not, I do not refer to my husband. Denial, maybe. But I am not calling him that.) does not have people like this in his life. I think it's telling the relationships he has in his life, and lack thereof. His sister is extremely dysfunctional and I'm starting to wonder a bit about some other family members as well. Anyway, my roommate has offered to go to meetings with me and said my place here at the house will be available no matter what I decide. The fiance (AF?) is picking up that I'm acting differently and I don't know how to play it for now. If I tell him already that I might just be "visiting" for the summer and am looking to keep my job here, I feel like he will be on his best behavior to deter me and prove me wrong. He comes here in 2 1/2 weeks, a one way ticket and I was originally supposed to pack up and move back with him. I don't want to blindside him either. Being blindsided is a terrible thing to do to someone. Of course he is telling me just how much he misses me and that once we see each other again, all will be right in the world again. But now I'm on this path again, eyes wide open, and it's hard to go back. The sentiments creep in so cunningly though. You get all sentimental thinking about the past and possible future. And I know that's wrong!!! My roommie just went through a really rough breakup last year and she said she felt all of those sentimental pangs too but that once it was over, she felt free.
Counselor's appointment in a week. Al-anon this week. I guess I will just try to keep him at bay for now. Every weekend it's usually something, so I guess I will continue to let him make his own bed. Do I let his mom in on some of this so that I am not carrying so much of this burden?? I feel like I always have to answer to everyone and he never does. I do all of the explaining.
Suki, in response, and I don't mean to sound defensive although I probably will. Yes, I had two other short term relationships in the last 2 1/2 years. One was just a short infatuation with a guy I had met and felt safe with at a festival. We mostly just talked for a month and then I went to see him and quickly realized that I wasn't into him. Another man I dated for 2-3 months and broke up with when he was treating me so poorly. This relationship has been the only serious one of the last 7+ years and I have been apart from him for probably more than half of it. I have definitely spent a lot of time by myself, traveling and moving all over. But I do realize that even though I have been alone, I was still emotionally entangled with my fiance for the the majority of it. I understand what you are saying, and I agree.
Why am I so worried about breaking his heart and ruining his world, when he has done so much of that to me??? I want to NOT feel sorry for him!!! How does he manage to downplay the STD issue too??? I should've taken that moment to call it quits. Am I really going to be able to gather enough strength to break it off this summer? I do understand how much worse it can be. That is my main motivating factor.