RollerDerbyGirl

Well, here I am again. Yet again. It's like banging my head against a wall. It always comes back to this. My story began over 7 years ago. I will give you the condensed version and try to only stick to the current things going on. We both worked at a ski lodge and fell in love. Sometimes I'm not even really sure how we fell in love because despite his affectionate feelings for me when we were alone, he treated me pretty poorly on more than a few occasions. Anyway, flash forward to a few years later. He has gone to rehab, twice, for addiction to crack cocaine. Our living situation has been all over the place since I have moved around a lot, and his job required him to be away for five months of every year. We got back just about 2 years ago this last time. (2 years?!!...where does it go??) There was a fairly big chunk there in the middle when we were not "officially" together. I even dated another man at one point (disaster), however we have always maintained contact. He joined the army and served in Iraq. He returned last September and we got engaged in November. We got back together after he joined the army and got out of basic. His drinking reared it's ugly head again (and all of the lies that go with it) and I almost ended it again. Then I went to see him, got carried away, and decided to stick it out. A few months later, before he was to deploy, I met someone else (briefly) and ended it very abruptly. Most of this is all from a distance as well, and I'm sorry if my story is rather disjointed. I was too scared of waiting out his deployment and just very unsure of my life's direction in general. Then his deployment happened and somehow, we managed to reunite from afar. I suppose all of his letters were a big part of it, but the even bigger part of it, was probably fact that while he was in Iraq, there were no opportunities to get drunk and lie to me. A false sense of safety.

Engagement up to now: He returns from Iraq, seems like a much more grown up, responsible person, all buffed up and much more confident. I foolishly think, well...maybe we're going to make it after all. Our love is going to endure. We are going to be different. My subconscious is screaming other things, but I'm still going along with the other voice. Or was. In the last few months since we got engaged, here is the laundry list of all that's occurred:

* He convinced me to get married on paper while seeing his family over Christmas. My family does not know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. His family was very excited about it. We were already engaged after all, and the military extends some pretty huge benefits if you are married. Mind you, I am no spring chicken at 33 yrs old and not even really all that naive, although as I'm typing this - it definitely sounds like it.
* I find out that for almost three months he thought he had some sort of STD and did not tell me. And yes, we had been intimate a number of times. He swears it was from someone he was with before deployment, which would mean there was an almost 15 month gap between being w/ that someone else and symptoms. ??? Fishy???
* In the 800th argument about trust, he remarks to me that certainly I had been unfaithful to him during all that time we were apart. Since I didn't want to be a hypocrite, I came clean about messing around w/ someone before his deployment, once. I broke up with him after this indiscretion because I knew it was wrong, and I knew it meant that I did not need to be in the relationship. Now why I got back together with him a couple of months later is beyond me. Two weeks after admitting this and professing many apologies, I get a text from him that was intended for another woman. He had been exchanging texts and a phone call, and was requesting a pic. ?!!! He claims that he just still doesn't really know how to process his feelings and that ever since I admitted my indiscretion (from 15 mos prior and PRE-marriage/engagement) that it was his way of acting out, and that he was "glad" that he got caught.
* He managed to spend $1200 in two weeks (NO BILLS) and another $1000 or so the following two weeks. He never seems to know where the money goes, although I see his bank account. Bars, restaurants, liquor store, porn...
* He goes out to the bars w/ his couple friends, they go home, and he stays at the bars even though he had promised me he wouldn't. He proceeds to get wasted, ignores my calls while I obsessively worry and almost have a mental breakdown, or so it feels like. He calls at 2:30 am and is hanging out w/ some other drunks on the downtown street. He yells at me that he is alone, and I hear some guy in the back, "Dude, you want me to talk to her?!"
* He swears that going downtown is his problem and stayed home this weekend. I call him last night after he played golf alone, and he sounds pretty loopy, if not drunk. I see that he spent $26 at the liquor store. $26 for one person is an awful lot!

Now I am in a huge quandary, what to do....what to do. You see, the thing is, I am supposed to finally move out of state to be with him. He is already living in our rent house and counting the days until my arrival. We have a wedding date for next October. I resigned from my teaching job. And now I have three more weeks or less in my hometown, which I love. I have finally settled down and stopped moving around. I have had a stable job teaching. I have amazing friends and support here. I have a very full life here. And now I'm supposed to leave it, for someone I love, but don't trust...hardly at all.

So if you have any input at all, I would love to hear it. I have been to this forum many times in the past, but it's been a while. I suppose I didn't want to see the writing on the wall and now I feel like I can no longer avoid it. I am going to try and get to an Al-Anon meeting this week. I have already been making a move on getting a job back at my school district, so that way I can "visit" this summer and then come back here. But do I even visit or will that put me back where I was? Enjoying the honeymoon period and avoiding reality? I have been experiencing such extreme anxiety over all of this, having nightmares and losing sleep. And I am very laid back person, however, this relationship makes me very anxious. I do love him and want the best for him, but not more than I love myself and want the best for me. I don't want to look over my shoulder at every hint of trouble and feel so insecure in a relationship, but I'm also SCARED TO DEATH of all that I will have to go through to end it...again. It is really hard to not worry about what everyone will say, of course. I'm so exhausted about constantly fretting over my future. And the ugly truth it, even if he did get sober, I do not want to be with someone that doesn't drink at all either. I know that might sound terrible to some, but it is what it is. Sometimes I just can't believe I've managed to make such a mess of things, yet again. Talk about the definition of insanity... I have tried to distance myself from him so many times. Quite a few people think of me as so strong and independent, and boy, you wouldn't think that in this scenario. Do I even need to tell you that my Dad is an alcoholic??

Thanks so much for listening and taking all of this in. There are some really amazing people on this site, and some very wise ones at that. I just can't believe how much I see my own story in other people's posts and how much power there is in that, and clarity.