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Old 05-07-2010, 02:42 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
transformyself
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Not mentioning his drinking is not the same as being okay with his drinking. You are letting him do what he is going to do anyway. You will be busy making plans for your new future while he numbs his brain on alcohol.
Pelican, you're wonderful! Something clicked in my mind when reading this. It's exhilarating to break it down in this way. Your three sentences just summed up the years 2008-2010 for me.

I:
Stopped trying to talk to him about my feelings, his drinking and everything else in between. I gave up. It took about 13 years to get there, but I did. Guess I'm one tough cookie. Stubborn.

Then I accepted that I can't control him. That took about a year. I remember thinking, "I'm going to try something I've never tried before and let him go." This was after he told me repeatedly to eff off, that it was over, that he didn't love me and was divorcing me. What a great guy..What a sad, hopeless person I was..

But, I started sorting out how to take care of ME-another year. And with the help of my higher power and YOU folks here, it's become the single most important thing to me. I love it!

Of course, this part, the letting go of him part, was pretty scary, as all I had ever known was bullying my way through situations. Trying to control him, change him. If only he would (insert my will here) then we could be happy. But at that point, the fear of the unknown was less than the fear of continuing on in that cycle of pain and anger and insanity.

Hey! This is also the steps of the program!
Not mentioning his drinking is not the same as being okay with his drinking. You are letting him do what he is going to do anyway. You will be busy making plans for your new future while he numbs his brain on alcohol.
Admitted I was powerless of alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. That was a no brainer. Ya think?
Came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. For me, this took the form of slowly, simply starting to turn away from my AH and think about what I wanted to do for ME, not what I should do for, about or because of him.

Turned my life and will over to that power. (Or something like that) And oftentimes, that power was yous guys here. Yes, I know that may be shocking, considering how mouthy, slow to learn and ungrateful I can be at times, but really.

And you, Miss Mentallyexh- this
how many more YEARS am I going to sit here and be treated this way and put up with this.....I am going to have to make some changes soon in order to protect my own sanity and my family - it sounds easy, but this is SO HARD for me - though probablly no harder than dealing with him day to day.......
is where I was right on the cusp of the beginning of the best time of my life.

True, I stood on that cusp for a loooong time, but when I finally took the terrifying risk of turning away from my AH and taking the steps that Pelican outlined above, and stopped focusing on him and started focusing on myself? It was not the end of the world. My heart was NOT broken as I feared. My heart was liberated. It's like flying...

And, am I understanding you correctly that you had a baby two weeks ago? If so, this makes even more sense. Your body is flooded with life giving hormones right now. Protect, nurture, love, sustain. All things contradictory to living with an abusive, self destructive alcoholic.

You can do this. If I can, if all these other folks here can, so can you.
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