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Neverending...

Old 05-06-2010, 06:01 PM
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Neverending...

It occured to me today...although many people have told me both here and otherwise....that my AH battle with alcohol will never end because he 1. refuses to admit that there is a problem at all, thus 2. refuses to consider any type of rehab.....which leaves me feeling like I am going to be stuck in the same hostile/lonely relationship for the rest of my life unless I DO something about it. Recently someone on SR pointed out that I have been on here nearly a year....with nothing changed, and nothing resolved, and still repeating the same patterns. He quits briefly, gets in a comfort zone and then slowly starts drinking again as he becomes "comfortable" until it is out of control and I snap....then repeat, repeat, repeat. This has been my life since I married him and possibly before. SO....what am I going to do about it?????? His verbal abuse is still horrible....been called a B at least 10 times today when I mentioned his drinking getting out of control. His drinking is out of control - had a baby 2 weeks ago.....took 3 days before he came home drunk. HE LIES like he is telling the truth and then defends his lie like it is truth.....NUTS!!! And here I am a year later......a year gone by that I have done what.....fought myself about what I should do, how I should handle it, what is best. A year is a long time....so I sit here wondering....how many more YEARS am I going to sit here and be treated this way and put up with this.....I am going to have to make some changes soon in order to protect my own sanity and my family - it sounds easy, but this is SO HARD for me - though probablly no harder than dealing with him day to day.......
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:18 PM
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Being Silent so I can Hear
 
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Need help making a plan?
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:22 PM
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Yes, make a plan. Even if you aren't ready to leave right now, having a plan in place will give you a little peace of mind. When you have truly had enough of the emotional abuse, you will know, and then having a plan ready will be a huge help.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:24 PM
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Sending you support as you make changes.

Think of a future with one less pacifier (King Baby) and one less pamper to change.

Tonight and tomorrow, set a small goal for yourself. Don't mention his drinking. That will take away the opportunity for him to resort to lying about his drinking. Maybe it will stop his verbal abuse for 24 hours.

Not mentioning his drinking is not the same as being okay with his drinking. You are letting him do what he is going to do anyway. You will be busy making plans for your new future while he numbs his brain on alcohol.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:26 PM
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I've been there. honey. Let us know how we can help.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:27 PM
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Being Silent so I can Hear
 
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Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
I've been there. honey. Let us know how we can help.
Yeah, we have been there. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it.

It's doable. You DO have a choice, don't ever forget that.
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:05 PM
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mentallyexh,

I REALLY liked the resolve in your post. It seems you are realizing that you are important too and I believe that is the hardest step, or at least it was for me, always used to feel "less than" and irrelevant.

Also I read what you go through and I would be exhausted, too.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:36 AM
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seems like an important realization, mentally exhausted.

onwards and upwards!

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Old 05-07-2010, 02:42 AM
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Not mentioning his drinking is not the same as being okay with his drinking. You are letting him do what he is going to do anyway. You will be busy making plans for your new future while he numbs his brain on alcohol.
Pelican, you're wonderful! Something clicked in my mind when reading this. It's exhilarating to break it down in this way. Your three sentences just summed up the years 2008-2010 for me.

I:
Stopped trying to talk to him about my feelings, his drinking and everything else in between. I gave up. It took about 13 years to get there, but I did. Guess I'm one tough cookie. Stubborn.

Then I accepted that I can't control him. That took about a year. I remember thinking, "I'm going to try something I've never tried before and let him go." This was after he told me repeatedly to eff off, that it was over, that he didn't love me and was divorcing me. What a great guy..What a sad, hopeless person I was..

But, I started sorting out how to take care of ME-another year. And with the help of my higher power and YOU folks here, it's become the single most important thing to me. I love it!

Of course, this part, the letting go of him part, was pretty scary, as all I had ever known was bullying my way through situations. Trying to control him, change him. If only he would (insert my will here) then we could be happy. But at that point, the fear of the unknown was less than the fear of continuing on in that cycle of pain and anger and insanity.

Hey! This is also the steps of the program!
Not mentioning his drinking is not the same as being okay with his drinking. You are letting him do what he is going to do anyway. You will be busy making plans for your new future while he numbs his brain on alcohol.
Admitted I was powerless of alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. That was a no brainer. Ya think?
Came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. For me, this took the form of slowly, simply starting to turn away from my AH and think about what I wanted to do for ME, not what I should do for, about or because of him.

Turned my life and will over to that power. (Or something like that) And oftentimes, that power was yous guys here. Yes, I know that may be shocking, considering how mouthy, slow to learn and ungrateful I can be at times, but really.

And you, Miss Mentallyexh- this
how many more YEARS am I going to sit here and be treated this way and put up with this.....I am going to have to make some changes soon in order to protect my own sanity and my family - it sounds easy, but this is SO HARD for me - though probablly no harder than dealing with him day to day.......
is where I was right on the cusp of the beginning of the best time of my life.

True, I stood on that cusp for a loooong time, but when I finally took the terrifying risk of turning away from my AH and taking the steps that Pelican outlined above, and stopped focusing on him and started focusing on myself? It was not the end of the world. My heart was NOT broken as I feared. My heart was liberated. It's like flying...

And, am I understanding you correctly that you had a baby two weeks ago? If so, this makes even more sense. Your body is flooded with life giving hormones right now. Protect, nurture, love, sustain. All things contradictory to living with an abusive, self destructive alcoholic.

You can do this. If I can, if all these other folks here can, so can you.
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