Hi my name is Rita and I'm a recovering wishy washy emotional wreck subject to relapse at any point in time!!!!!
Can I add uncontrollable co-dependent to that also???????
Even as I am typing this - I'm thinking - geez do I really wanna post this? It might not be good for someone else! (Oh GOOD GRAVY)
As many of you know, my oldest daughter, thru trusting her HP and working her own program obtained 1 yr clean & sober last month. She will get her 1 yr chip tomorrow nite at her home group. Isn't that awesome??? I'm so excited and proud for her! So I'm going to the meeting (my BF is going with me too) Great, wonderful, awesome - right? so why do I feel so icky?
This meeting is the meeting that my ex AH attended before and during his relapse while we were married. It is my understanding that he hasn't attended since we split up in Nov 08. This is the group that truly did help he and I when he first went into rehab in Feb 03~This is where we were Mr & Mrs. Recovery~at least for a little while. (insert sad sigh)
This is the group that also didn't believe me when I started detaching and taking care of myself because he had relapsed and was NOT sober. This is also the group that didn't understand when I left - that shunned me like an amish woman who painted her toe nails red!!!!!
It will be difficult to walk into that room again. I know in my head - what others think of me is NONE of my business, but my stomach has the KNOT.
I know - Breathe - Just Breathe!
I much rather - puke
(sorry for the graphic description)
So today I feel wishy washy - one minute feeling all the 6 1/2 yrs of my recovery strong inside me saying you can do this - you and your God are going to be ok and then the next minute I'm feeling like I truly wish I could sneak in see my daughter, Ash get her chip and then sneak out - praying no one else ever sees me!
Don't even get me to start talking about what am I going to wear???????? oh geeezz louizeeeeeeee
I'm such a silly wishy washy girl!
HUGS,
Rita
