Recovering Wishy Washy Emotional Wreck

Old 05-06-2010, 06:38 AM
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Recovering Wishy Washy Emotional Wreck

Hi my name is Rita and I'm a recovering wishy washy emotional wreck subject to relapse at any point in time!!!!!

Can I add uncontrollable co-dependent to that also???????

Even as I am typing this - I'm thinking - geez do I really wanna post this? It might not be good for someone else! (Oh GOOD GRAVY)

As many of you know, my oldest daughter, thru trusting her HP and working her own program obtained 1 yr clean & sober last month. She will get her 1 yr chip tomorrow nite at her home group. Isn't that awesome??? I'm so excited and proud for her! So I'm going to the meeting (my BF is going with me too) Great, wonderful, awesome - right? so why do I feel so icky?

This meeting is the meeting that my ex AH attended before and during his relapse while we were married. It is my understanding that he hasn't attended since we split up in Nov 08. This is the group that truly did help he and I when he first went into rehab in Feb 03~This is where we were Mr & Mrs. Recovery~at least for a little while. (insert sad sigh)

This is the group that also didn't believe me when I started detaching and taking care of myself because he had relapsed and was NOT sober. This is also the group that didn't understand when I left - that shunned me like an amish woman who painted her toe nails red!!!!!

It will be difficult to walk into that room again. I know in my head - what others think of me is NONE of my business, but my stomach has the KNOT.

I know - Breathe - Just Breathe!

I much rather - puke (sorry for the graphic description)

So today I feel wishy washy - one minute feeling all the 6 1/2 yrs of my recovery strong inside me saying you can do this - you and your God are going to be ok and then the next minute I'm feeling like I truly wish I could sneak in see my daughter, Ash get her chip and then sneak out - praying no one else ever sees me!

Don't even get me to start talking about what am I going to wear???????? oh geeezz louizeeeeeeee

I'm such a silly wishy washy girl!

HUGS,
Rita


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Old 05-06-2010, 06:46 AM
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Ann
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This is also the group that didn't understand when I left - that shunned me like an amish woman who painted her toe nails red!!!!!


Hmmm, this sounds like it needs a hug of self-confidence.

These people, the ones you think are judging you...their lives have been perfect in every way? The way I see it is that if their recovery was so darned good, they would never judge anyone walking into the rooms.

You have come a long way, made amazing strides in your recovery and as a mama, are allowed to be very proud of your daughter for hers.

I'm thinking the ones who may judge may also be the ones who are jealous because you shine girl!

So paint those toenails red, dress in something YOU like, and let your recovery speak for itself.

Big hugs from Miss Coral Nails...both toes and fingers.
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:20 AM
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Rita,

Take your HP with you, hold your head up high and focus on the love and support you are giving your daughter.

The others in the room are probably only throwing you 1/10th of the negative energy that you think they are - they have their own lives, their own problems, their own feelings they're wrestling with day to day.

You have come a long way and are just where you are supposed to be - let your spirit, strength and recovery shine!

I wanted to add, that you are an inspiration to me and many others, so take that, put it in your pocket and take it with you - Thanks.

Last edited by JMFburns; 05-06-2010 at 07:21 AM. Reason: Addition
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:28 AM
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Listen here Ms. Rita,

Put those shoulders back, lift that chin up, and march into that place like you own it.

Worrying about what others might think...such a typical codie thing, really. At any given moment in my journey, I'm just sure that there are people out there 'judging' me..judging my decisions...judging the path I'm on at any given moment. Its most painful when I sense that the people closest to me...the people I love the most...are doing it. But so much of this comes from someplace deep inside of me and has nothing to do with reality.

And besides, who cares what others think.

Have you been true to yourself? Are you proud of the place you are in right now? I think you are...And you should be. And if any member of this 'RECOVERY' group is prone to judgment...well...they are the ones who need to reflect and pray...not you.

This is a shining moment for your daughter and you have every right to march in there and share in this moment with joy and pride.

Congratulations to you and your dear daughter! I'm celebrating with you.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:27 AM
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(((Rita)))

I am guessing when you walk in that room you won't feel any judgement or questions. There may be a few individuals here and there, but I would say - good thing they are still in the rooms then, maybe that's one of the "character traits" they are working on?

Sounds like no matter how nervous or anxious you get you are going. This is for your daughter So, you will find out soon enough what their reaction is going to be, and whatever it is, you have the tools and grace to make it a joyful event -

So, paint those toe nails, wear what makes you feel good, go be a proud mama!!!!

Yay for your daughter congrats to her!
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:27 AM
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Rita,

I think you're just awesome. Those other poo-poo's may have had some soul-searching or regrets over their behavior; you'd never know. The greatest statement you can make, is that you are living your life as best you can, you are there for your daughter -- your recovery surely shines in your face.

Have a good time celebrating.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:35 AM
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Ann
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I want to add that it is entirely possible that someone in that room will need to hear something you say.

We never know who is listening, or watching and who may want what we have.

Hugs
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Old 05-06-2010, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
so what ARE you going to wear? got anything pink in that closet????
:rotfxko

PINK in my closet - well maybe just one or two things??? bwah ha ha ha ha

Guess it's time to bring out the PINK Princess shoes of courage (yes I actually do have a pair of pink high heels that have princess crowns on them -their Fergie's)

Thanks for the words of encouragement and support - amazing how I can go to "Ritaville" and allow the FEAR (false evidence appearing real) take control of my thoughts.

I know my exAH said some really nasty things - like I had an affair for the last 2 yrs of our marriage, stole money from him (ha ha ha), and a bunch of other crap to these people. Some truly believe it.

Whatever - all that is IN the past - Tomorrow nite is about Ash - I pray that they ALL keep the focus on HER - She absolutely deserves it!!!!!!

Thanks again for the support. If you feel someone tugging on you Friday nite - that will be me borrowing your strength, couarge and wisdom to make it thru the nite!!!

Thanks - praying each of you have a PINKFULLY blessed weekend!!
HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:33 AM
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Ann
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Take these with you, Rita, they have steel toes and are great if you see anyone there who needs a shinning.

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Old 05-06-2010, 12:05 PM
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Go get em Rita! I bet there are alot of new faces in there and the old ones won't remember.
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Old 05-06-2010, 12:17 PM
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Rita, you will be great, your recovery is strong and Ash will be grateful you were there...........in the end you will come out shining I'm sure of it
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Old 05-06-2010, 04:15 PM
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(((Rita)))) - you'll be fine. You KNOW you don't ever go to stuff like this alone..HP and all of us are always with you.

When I come across people who judge others, at first I get angry, and then I get grateful that I don't do that any more. I then say a prayer that they find their way past the misery they're living in.

Go be the awesome mama you are, enjoy Ash's special night and if anyone says/asks anything to you, about you? Put the focus back on Ash...SHE is the shining star. You can do this.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy
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