halpinio

Hi all, I've been lookin at this wonderful site for a while now and find it very comforting to know i'm not alone. the posts are inspiring and great to read. Im 28 and from ireland. It's tuesday now and im still bedridden after another bender at the weekend. I usually dont go out drinking on Fridays anymore because I know thats me out for days on end making a show of myself, getting thrown out of pubs, having blackouts and generally being a person that when Im sober I hate. On Friday my friend rang me to ask me to go for a few beers with him. I promised myself this friday would be different. I told myself it would be a few beers in the local then home to bed. No chance, I was out for the weekend drinking on my own and embarrassing myself. Its getting to stage that Im running out of pubs in my town that I can drink in. I know soon that no pub will give me alcohol. Its only a matter of time before I get beaten up or fall infront of a car the way Im heading. In ireland the drinking culture is so big that you're only considered an alcoholic if you're a down and out drunk 24/7. That's just the attiude. Its tuesday now and i still have the shakes,sweats,itches,twitches, paranoia,anxiety,guilt and the fear of god in me. I've been putting myself through this all my drinking life. Why on earth would a rational human being put himself through this regularly unless he was an alcoholic? I have the best girlfriend in the world but she has stated to me numerous times that she would not go out with a man that doesn't drink(the irish drinking culture,nearly every girl i know agrees with her) The thoughts of losing her kills me but I know I cant keep going the way I am right now. I know that drink is ruining my life. I will have to stop seeing childhood friends if I chose to give up and of course lose the love of my life but she just doesn't understand that I can't do normal drinking. It seems Im damned if i do and damned if i dont. The thoughts of being sober and happy is a dream, but being sober and lonely i couldn't bear. But neither can I face being this emotional wreck and i know alcoholism is progressive and believe me its getting more and more progressive with me. I'm a carcrash messy drunk and sometimes wish i could be the alcoholic that can sit at the bar all day with out becoming a mess. Thanks for reading, its good to talk i suppose and nice to get things of your chest. May god bless you all.