Fear and depression after yet another weekend binge.

Old 04-27-2010, 08:01 AM
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Fear and depression after yet another weekend binge.

Hi all, I've been lookin at this wonderful site for a while now and find it very comforting to know i'm not alone. the posts are inspiring and great to read. Im 28 and from ireland. It's tuesday now and im still bedridden after another bender at the weekend. I usually dont go out drinking on Fridays anymore because I know thats me out for days on end making a show of myself, getting thrown out of pubs, having blackouts and generally being a person that when Im sober I hate. On Friday my friend rang me to ask me to go for a few beers with him. I promised myself this friday would be different. I told myself it would be a few beers in the local then home to bed. No chance, I was out for the weekend drinking on my own and embarrassing myself. Its getting to stage that Im running out of pubs in my town that I can drink in. I know soon that no pub will give me alcohol. Its only a matter of time before I get beaten up or fall infront of a car the way Im heading. In ireland the drinking culture is so big that you're only considered an alcoholic if you're a down and out drunk 24/7. That's just the attiude. Its tuesday now and i still have the shakes,sweats,itches,twitches, paranoia,anxiety,guilt and the fear of god in me. I've been putting myself through this all my drinking life. Why on earth would a rational human being put himself through this regularly unless he was an alcoholic? I have the best girlfriend in the world but she has stated to me numerous times that she would not go out with a man that doesn't drink(the irish drinking culture,nearly every girl i know agrees with her) The thoughts of losing her kills me but I know I cant keep going the way I am right now. I know that drink is ruining my life. I will have to stop seeing childhood friends if I chose to give up and of course lose the love of my life but she just doesn't understand that I can't do normal drinking. It seems Im damned if i do and damned if i dont. The thoughts of being sober and happy is a dream, but being sober and lonely i couldn't bear. But neither can I face being this emotional wreck and i know alcoholism is progressive and believe me its getting more and more progressive with me. I'm a carcrash messy drunk and sometimes wish i could be the alcoholic that can sit at the bar all day with out becoming a mess. Thanks for reading, its good to talk i suppose and nice to get things of your chest. May god bless you all.
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:12 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you are seeking support.

What I can tell you is that recovery involves making a LOT of changes in your life. For me, that included people and places where drinking was involved. Yes, it's a hard choice to make, but I am grateful and thankful every single day, that I made that choice.

You said your girlfriend told you she would not go out with you if you didn't drink. That statement shocked me. I wouldn't go out with anyone who told me what I could or could not drink/eat/wear. But, that's just me.

I hope you take a look around here and you will see lots of support and know that you can live a sober life.
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:29 AM
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I have never regretted my decision to stay sober. I like myself so much better sober and will never go back to drinking. I hope we can help you stay sober. THis site has been a godsend to me and many others.
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:52 AM
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Welcome to SR and know that time can be your very last bender. SR helped me and its an extremely supportive site. I had to change a lot in my life, but the depression has left me and the anxiety is gone also. There were no positives left with regard to alcohol for me, but life is full of positivity without it for sure!! Glad you joined us.
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:05 AM
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Dear Halpinio,

Céad míle fáilte to SR!

As you know you're among many compatriots here and we all understand where you're coming from…so much of what you said brings back memories of living in Ireland and the drinking culture we have there.. What you said about your girlfriend is indeed hard for others to believe but I remember being 'embarrassed' that my boyfriend (met him here in Brussels and he's now 'the hubby'!) didn't really drink! They tried everything at home to spike his drinks, get him drunk but nothing worked – God I pressured him into drinking myself! But he was true to himself and in the end everyone respected him for it – if he drank his coke – people respected him for it and still do today.

I've been binge drinking since I was 18 or so and went out with guys at home who (now that I can see clearly!) were definitely alcoholics.. One was drinking on a Sunday and coming to collect me in the evening, having a couple of pints and being drunk on it…I couldn't quite understand it but then discovered that he was usually drinking all day, driving home to freshen up, collecting me and then was blotto by 10h00! This happened on a regular basis until I got wise.. Of course I wasn't a saint myself - drinking the bit out when I was going out - which was quite regular those days - and then in the last few years drinking more and more at home to cope with stress from work, life, any excuse...and I have done some stupid and embarrassing things that I'd never have contemplated doing if I hadn't been drinking...

Sorry for going off on a tangent.. In those 20 years of binge drinking (now 38) I didn't consider going off the drink an option…I never even went off it for a spell but everything came to a head for me in February and I knew at that point that I had to go off it for life…You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and are having this 'realisation' at the right time!! You have the power to take full control over your life now!!

I think that if your girlfriend – who I'm sure loves you very much – understands your need to go sober she'll support you 100%. Do you think you could get to your local AA group for a meeting? Are you doing any sports or are you a member of any groups?

I'm also 'avoiding' certain friends here who are heavy drinkers and am going out for dinners, to the cinema and the odd drink on a terrace, etc. I'll be 80 days sober tomorrow which is frankly a miracle! I've taken it day by day and had my ups and downs like everyone else here but you should keep coming back to SR for support and try to get down to your local AA if possible – you'll meet a lot of new people who are/have been in the same boat and you'll make good friends out of it!!

Anyway, I just wanted to give you my support and wish you the best of luck with this. Please keep in touch with us here on SR.

God bless and big hugs,

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Old 04-27-2010, 09:08 AM
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That's quite a post, hal. Sounds like a terrible situation with the girlfriend. My only advice specific to her would be to see how you feel about this woman when you are sober. I know that sounds like hollow advice, but trust me, after a year of personal sobriety, there are many people in my life -- or who were in my life -- with whom I can't imagine socializing with anymore. There's just nothing there! We had nothing in common but booze, and I was every bit as responsible for that situation as they were.

Truth be told, I probably would not have married my wife it weren't for alcohol. I'm ashamed to say that booze was a factor in my early relationship with her. She drank, another girl I was dating at the time did not, so I spent more time with the former. And eventually married her. Now, don't get me wrong, I love her, she loves me, and we have a great little family. But there are issues in our marriage now because I no longer drink. Some of those issues involve me seeing her in a different light, and it's something we (I) need to work through. I'm not saying sobriety is reason to eventually leave your girlfriend, but I definitely think it's in your longterm best interest to view your relationship through sober eyes before you commit longterm, if that's where you think it might be headed. Bottom line, your sobriety should come first.
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:20 PM
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Hi there Halpinio,

First of all welcome here.
I am not in a relationship right now, so I don't have that problem to figure out, but I can see how difficult it must be. As you can see from the posts above there are people here with similar experiences.
When I had a breakdown last year and brought up all my responsabilities, love and guilt towards my son, the therapist said I should learn to take care of my(emotional)self first.

Hope you find your way.
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:40 PM
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Hi mate. Thanks for posting.

I think it is hard for people who aren't from Ireland/UK to appreciate the drinking culture within large social strata of society. It is engrained and binge-drinking a social norm. No two-ways about that. To drink to blackout is not a rare occurence within many drinkers who aren't alcoholic.

However these drinkers can also drink responsibly and in controlled moderation. They can also physically stop if they choose to. That is the difference I found. I physically couldn't stop drinking as I loved it way too much and thus blackout. Whereas with the regular normal binge-drinkers they could choose to stop after 6 or 7 pints if they wanted to.

You sound like you ain't never going to be able to drink moderately or non-alcoholically to be honest. I relate to your drinking 'style'.

If you truly want sobriety then you have to dedicate your life to it. It has to be the most important thing in your life. If you're an alcoholic then everything else will be lost anyway.

Staying sober means changing your life completely to be honest. There can never be another alcoholic drink 'just for today'. Sounds overwhleming at first I know, but as you get living the life then it becomes easier. Just don't drink one day at a time.

Also you're going to have to embrace recovery and mixing with others who are sober and in recovery. Especially early on.

It can be done but you have to commit wholeheartadly and will not be able to hangout in pubs and with old 'buddies'. Recovery takes a long-time and is a daily work in progress. I have 9+ months sober and I still have much work to be done untill I reach where I strive to be at. But it is getting there "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly".

All The Best. Peace.
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Old 04-27-2010, 03:07 PM
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Hi again Hal

I'm really sorry you haven't got the support from your GF, and I know all about the culture (I'm an Aussie).

But in the end, down to the real nitty gritty....this is about you - noone else.

You know whats right for you - and you know if you continue your current life things will get worse - there's no maybe there.

Try not and worry about what might happen - just focus on the now - one day after another one day at a time....but I do feel anyone who really loves you and respects you will come to see why you need to do this

I'm glad you found us - you'll find 24/7 support here - keep posting

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Old 04-27-2010, 04:24 PM
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Location: Central Scotland
Posts: 174
Hey Hal, thanks for sharing that, Feels better to get it all out don't you think?

My last binge started on a Thursday night when I headed out 'for a couple of pints' much like you did there on Friday. I finally managed to drag myself away from the booze around dinner time on the Monday so I understand totally how easy it is to stumble into a bender when you've went out with the best intentions.

Fear, depression, anxiety, flashbacks (sometimes to things that never even happened), shaking, wretching crying are all well trodden paths for me also and, having lived in Ireland and Scotland, I know too well the societal and cultural pressures and practices that are thrown in to this God awful mix. I'm 28 too - your whole post could more or less have been written by me.

It's a shame about your GF's attitude but you never know how that'll develop. I'm only in very early recovery myself and don't feel that I have any real wisdom to impart except to say that taking things a small step at a time seems to be working well for me and I'll be on thirty days sober in a few hours.

Adh mór a Chara.
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Old 04-27-2010, 05:11 PM
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Im overwhelmed by all your messages of kindness. I cant tell you how much they mean when im in this fragile state. anna my girlfriend loves to drink like nearly all irish girls and i suppose for her to go out with me for dinner or the likes and me be sober while she doesn't drink drives her insane. But I do know that things are going to have to come to a head. I no big decisions are going to have to be made and big talks are going to have to happen between us because my life just cant go on like this. Almath i really appreciate your post, i think i'm going to have to look into going to AA meetings alright. I do play sports although the drink has had a bad affect on my sporting ability and the guilt I feel over that when I think what a waste when I know I could have(and still can) achieved so much more with my sporting life.Congratulations on your 80 days sober. Neomarxist I must say I love reading your post and from reading them I think we have the exact same drinking habits.what you say about not being able to stop at six or seven drinks...I'm only starting when im at six or seven drinks and the drunker I get the faster I drink. It is very rare I wake up sober, I wake up still very drunk and then immediately start drinking again its just getting ridiculous. Dee74, I spent a year and a half in australia and I can tell you my drinking habits worsened alot over there(all my own fault earning good money). I thank you for your kind words dee and what a great forum. Frankbarone its great to know people are in the same boat. (although I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.) And dont start with the flashbacks, as horrible as blackouts are, sometimes I wish blackouts would stay blackouts as ignorance is bliss. You are right about flashbacks sometimes about things that didn't happen aswell it's hell and its no way to be living. You are right it does feel great to get it all out. I feel for sure im taking a step in the right direction just being on this forum. Thank so much to all of you for your time in reading and posting it really is appreciated. God bless.
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Old 04-27-2010, 05:14 PM
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Welcome Hal! I hope you feel better for having said those things - I had no one in my life I could talk to honestly, until I came here. Everyone at SR understood what I was going through, and had been there themselves - so I had great advice and was able to get well. I was no longer alone. I fell back on alcohol my whole life - for comfort and entertainment. I convinced myself I needed it to live and be happy. It was a lie.

I'm sure the people in your life who truly care for you will support your decision to stop. Maybe some of them don't realize how dangerous it's becoming for you. For me, I didn't have to stop seeing old friends - I just decided I would tell them I had become too dependent on alcohol and could no longer play with fire. No one tried to talk me into picking up again, once they realized I was dead serious about banishing it from my life.

I hope you'll stay with us and let us know how it's going for you. We care.
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