thanks for the replies.
Yes, I felt something, or at least I 'thought' I felt something, which for me is enough. Same as when I was drinking regularly, it only took three sips before my mind was 'at ease'.
Physically, I would get a sensation of tightening in my arms, it used to be a signal that calm was coming, last night it felt like anxiety.
Now that some of you have mentioned it, it does sound very 'in my head', which actually makes sense for me. I am the type of person whose headache starts to go away right after I swallow the ibuprofen, although it obviously doesn't actually work that fast.
@gneiss, I think you may have something there. I ritualistically said goodbye to any alcohol in my house last night. Had rum and gin in the closet for a year, (I was a beer drinker so it wasnt tempting), I took a swig of both and then poured the rest down the sink.
It took 9 months of being sober before I would go anywhere that alcohol was available because I didnt want to be in a situation where I 'couldnt' have something. But now that I dont even want it, then it is completely different.
I feel like I am choosing not to drink vs 'I cant drink'. Having it feel like a choice is empowering and is what will keep me from fooling myself into thinking that drinking will 'make it better', because after this amount of time. I know it wont.
@tj yeah, just counting down til 'happy hour' used to make me 'happy'. But I never really was happy, just thought I was, and nothing in that bottle ever made me happy, but I thought it did. It took a long time, about 4 to 5 months, before I could actually see that.
I hope you break out of your spiral.