Thanks for taking the time to tell us more about you.
One of the first things that helped me understand my relationship with my alcoholic was the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
It seems to be a simple principle, but it is difficult to wrap the head around and apply to my life. I want to take responsibility for my partner's crappy life/lifestyle by bargaining with myself: If only I could/would/should.........
Nope. I did not cause the alcoholic to drink. I did not cause the alcoholic to become mentally unstable. I did not cause the alcoholic to become verbally abusive. I did not, did not , did not!!
I can not control it. Okay, how much time you got to listen to all the ways I tried to control the other adult in my relationship. I tried crying. I tried begging. I tried silence. I tried leaving. I even tried yelling once or twice, just incase they couldn't hear me! I could not get the other adult to behave the way I wanted them to behave. Damn it!
The cure. If I read more, said more, tried more, prayed more, voo-doo'd more, etc....surely with time and love I could cure this addiction. I had to accept that I was not the savior of man-kind. I do not have super powers. I can not cure another adult of a lifestyle I find unacceptable. I do not have that much power.
Once I accepted those three C's of addiction, I began my journey of recovery. I used support groups, self-help books and SR as sources of information and guidance. I recommend the same.
The sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum contain lots of wisdom to guide you along in your recovery journey.
Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.