A little about my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Morgantown, Kentucky
Posts: 10
A little about my life.
I've been with my husband for 13 years and we've been married for 5. I've dealt with alcoholism, drug abuse, cheating, verbal abuse, and intimidation. I love him with all my heart, but I'm tired. Leaving sounds better all the time. Right now I am trapped here, but am taking steps to remedy the situation.
I have always been a stay at home mom. He has been out of work for almost 2 years. The night he lost his job (not drinking related even though he was drinking at the time) he attempted suicide. A month later he tried to kill himself again. By the way, he is currently sober. He still suffers effects from the first attempt, and is still unstable. Our only income is what I bring in from babysitting. I have put in an application for a job and have another to fill out, and I will be applying at other places. Once I get enough money coming in, I am out of here.
We had been getting along great when all of a sudden his attitude toward me changed like it has before when he was cheating. I found out he is in touch with a woman he cheated on me with once before. One night I woke up and heard him on the phone bad mouthing me to one of his friends. I lost my temper and went down stairs and confronted him. I let him know he wasn't fooling me and I knew what he was up to. Since then he has been acting like his old self.
I have been there for him through thick and thin. I've been faithful, loyal, and forgiving. I have rarely felt that I had the same from him. I damn sure don't feel secure.
I guess this is a jumbled mess, but I wanted to dip my toe in and tell a little about my life. Thanks for anyone who made it through to the end. lol
I have always been a stay at home mom. He has been out of work for almost 2 years. The night he lost his job (not drinking related even though he was drinking at the time) he attempted suicide. A month later he tried to kill himself again. By the way, he is currently sober. He still suffers effects from the first attempt, and is still unstable. Our only income is what I bring in from babysitting. I have put in an application for a job and have another to fill out, and I will be applying at other places. Once I get enough money coming in, I am out of here.
We had been getting along great when all of a sudden his attitude toward me changed like it has before when he was cheating. I found out he is in touch with a woman he cheated on me with once before. One night I woke up and heard him on the phone bad mouthing me to one of his friends. I lost my temper and went down stairs and confronted him. I let him know he wasn't fooling me and I knew what he was up to. Since then he has been acting like his old self.
I have been there for him through thick and thin. I've been faithful, loyal, and forgiving. I have rarely felt that I had the same from him. I damn sure don't feel secure.
I guess this is a jumbled mess, but I wanted to dip my toe in and tell a little about my life. Thanks for anyone who made it through to the end. lol
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mass.
Posts: 49
IMHO, Just because he is now sober...he is still treating you like crap. You need to make that behavior unacceptable.
You say you can't leave right now...he can. You obviously pay the bills anyways. What's he doing to contribute?
Keep your head up...make a change...you deserve it.
You say you can't leave right now...he can. You obviously pay the bills anyways. What's he doing to contribute?
Keep your head up...make a change...you deserve it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for taking the time to tell us more about you.
One of the first things that helped me understand my relationship with my alcoholic was the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
It seems to be a simple principle, but it is difficult to wrap the head around and apply to my life. I want to take responsibility for my partner's crappy life/lifestyle by bargaining with myself: If only I could/would/should.........
Nope. I did not cause the alcoholic to drink. I did not cause the alcoholic to become mentally unstable. I did not cause the alcoholic to become verbally abusive. I did not, did not , did not!!
I can not control it. Okay, how much time you got to listen to all the ways I tried to control the other adult in my relationship. I tried crying. I tried begging. I tried silence. I tried leaving. I even tried yelling once or twice, just incase they couldn't hear me! I could not get the other adult to behave the way I wanted them to behave. Damn it!
The cure. If I read more, said more, tried more, prayed more, voo-doo'd more, etc....surely with time and love I could cure this addiction. I had to accept that I was not the savior of man-kind. I do not have super powers. I can not cure another adult of a lifestyle I find unacceptable. I do not have that much power.
Once I accepted those three C's of addiction, I began my journey of recovery. I used support groups, self-help books and SR as sources of information and guidance. I recommend the same.
The sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum contain lots of wisdom to guide you along in your recovery journey.
Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.
One of the first things that helped me understand my relationship with my alcoholic was the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
It seems to be a simple principle, but it is difficult to wrap the head around and apply to my life. I want to take responsibility for my partner's crappy life/lifestyle by bargaining with myself: If only I could/would/should.........
Nope. I did not cause the alcoholic to drink. I did not cause the alcoholic to become mentally unstable. I did not cause the alcoholic to become verbally abusive. I did not, did not , did not!!
I can not control it. Okay, how much time you got to listen to all the ways I tried to control the other adult in my relationship. I tried crying. I tried begging. I tried silence. I tried leaving. I even tried yelling once or twice, just incase they couldn't hear me! I could not get the other adult to behave the way I wanted them to behave. Damn it!
The cure. If I read more, said more, tried more, prayed more, voo-doo'd more, etc....surely with time and love I could cure this addiction. I had to accept that I was not the savior of man-kind. I do not have super powers. I can not cure another adult of a lifestyle I find unacceptable. I do not have that much power.
Once I accepted those three C's of addiction, I began my journey of recovery. I used support groups, self-help books and SR as sources of information and guidance. I recommend the same.
The sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum contain lots of wisdom to guide you along in your recovery journey.
Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi cadenz,
Welcome to SR! You're in good company--make that FABULOUS company!
I'm confident you'll find all kinds of support here, I have.
I second what Pelican said about the 3 C's. There's nothing you can do to change him, you can only change you and your situation. It's not always easy but it's most definitely rewarding.
Congratulations on reaching out, and for being in touch with what you want for yourself! I urge you to go to Alanon and have a place to talk about all of this, to keep posting and filling out those job applications. You're doing great with making a plan for the life you want already.
Hugs,
posie
Welcome to SR! You're in good company--make that FABULOUS company!
I'm confident you'll find all kinds of support here, I have.I second what Pelican said about the 3 C's. There's nothing you can do to change him, you can only change you and your situation. It's not always easy but it's most definitely rewarding.
Congratulations on reaching out, and for being in touch with what you want for yourself! I urge you to go to Alanon and have a place to talk about all of this, to keep posting and filling out those job applications. You're doing great with making a plan for the life you want already.
Hugs,
posie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Morgantown, Kentucky
Posts: 10
Thank you for all the replies. Your kindness means alot.
The living situation is a complicated one. We are living with his grandmother because she can no longer stay by herself. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and her children refuse to put her in one. We were the only family willing to move in with her. My mother-in-law handles her money and I have been her main care-taker. Between this and money it is going to be a while before I can get out.
On top of taking care of grandma and babysitting 5 days a week, I go to college 3 nights a week. I will get my associates degree in criminal justice in a year. I guess what I am trying to say is my plate is pretty full. lol This is as close to alanon as I can get right now. I do journal and I have a best friend who I can talk to. I have also had some therapy.
I have been doing a bit of reading on here since I found these forums. Alot of it has been very enlightening, and I don't feel so alone.
The living situation is a complicated one. We are living with his grandmother because she can no longer stay by herself. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and her children refuse to put her in one. We were the only family willing to move in with her. My mother-in-law handles her money and I have been her main care-taker. Between this and money it is going to be a while before I can get out.
On top of taking care of grandma and babysitting 5 days a week, I go to college 3 nights a week. I will get my associates degree in criminal justice in a year. I guess what I am trying to say is my plate is pretty full. lol This is as close to alanon as I can get right now. I do journal and I have a best friend who I can talk to. I have also had some therapy.
I have been doing a bit of reading on here since I found these forums. Alot of it has been very enlightening, and I don't feel so alone.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
(((Cadenz))) You are a survivor, you really are. You're plate is certainly full. If it were me taking care of his grandmother, and working 5 days a week, plus going to school three nights a week, and he is not working or contributing, I would realize that he needs me more than I need him. You seem like a pretty amazing woman, and if it were me, I'd think to myself that I can do all I'm doing now, and actually less. Would not have to take care of him or his grandmother. Life could be even easier. Why not???? But that's your call. In any event, you will get thru this just fine, you really will.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
cadenz,
WELCOME to s/r
if your man is not working, and he says he wants to work on the relationship (or not), i would suggest having a conversation with him about picking up the household duties - shopping (you could write the list), housecleaning, grandma stuff. if he resists, consider asking him to leave. my guess is that this will throw him for a loop (not why you're asking, though) and he might sit up and take notice of your strength.
keep moving forward, he's probably not gonna change - certainly not unless he has to.
WELCOME to s/r
if your man is not working, and he says he wants to work on the relationship (or not), i would suggest having a conversation with him about picking up the household duties - shopping (you could write the list), housecleaning, grandma stuff. if he resists, consider asking him to leave. my guess is that this will throw him for a loop (not why you're asking, though) and he might sit up and take notice of your strength.
keep moving forward, he's probably not gonna change - certainly not unless he has to.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Cadenz -
I see you're in Kentucky...
I'm told that there's no better state in the union to be a woman in...
no other state has what Kentucky has to offer women
who are trying to get their lives together/back or back together.
Thanks for sharing more about yourself.
Sounds like you've got the makings of a plan
and that's a good thing.
And now you're not alone ...
and that's also a good thing.
together...
I see you're in Kentucky...
I'm told that there's no better state in the union to be a woman in...
no other state has what Kentucky has to offer women
who are trying to get their lives together/back or back together.
Thanks for sharing more about yourself.
Sounds like you've got the makings of a plan
and that's a good thing.
And now you're not alone ...
and that's also a good thing.
together...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Morgantown, Kentucky
Posts: 10
He does help some with household chores. At one time I was doing it all, but he did start pitching in. Ever since I had my little tantrum when I heard him talking on the phone about me things have been much better. lol
He has put in applications for jobs too, but so far no calls back.
I still have my exit strategy. It's just going to take me some time to put it into action. I don't have the financial resources to move out at this time. I have to make sure I'm going to be able to take care of me and our son when I do leave. My daughter and grandson live with us right now as well, but she might be moving out soon.
He has put in applications for jobs too, but so far no calls back.
I still have my exit strategy. It's just going to take me some time to put it into action. I don't have the financial resources to move out at this time. I have to make sure I'm going to be able to take care of me and our son when I do leave. My daughter and grandson live with us right now as well, but she might be moving out soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
