Hi Catkill, Congrats on your sobriety! You are doing the best thing for you! My husband is almost 6 mos. sober. I say almost because it is a "one day at a time" thing, he is sober for TODAY. And he was sober for almost 16 years without a single relapse. We built a good life together before his relapse several years ago. In the past 2 years, he has been to 3 rehabs and jail (for dwi's). He spent all our retirement money during his last 3 mo. bender. He emotionally abused me for years, although I am sure at the time he did not realize that's what he was doing. He now attends outpatient treatment and AA, and at least once a week reads the chapter "to the wives" in the big book as a reminder of how he treated me and how I felt during it. He tries to make amends whenever possible, tries to be there emotionally for me (I am going thru alot right now), does more than his share of housework, and is really trying to be a good husband. But, I, like your wife, am not overly receptive to it most times. When he does something nice for me, or is there for me emotionally, I tend to not accept that because I have learned thru my own recovery that the only person I can depend on is myself and my HP. When he was active, I made my own life without him, although we still lived in the same house. I did not rely on him, did not discuss things with him. He was there, but we led totally separate lives. Just because he is in recovery and wants the marriage to work, does not mean it's back to "marriage" and being a couple, at least to me.
I don't know how you acted toward your wife while you were active, but what I can tell you is that IMO, spouses of active alcoholics tend to suffer some kind of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) when their A's first get into recovery. It's not that easy to erase or get past all the emotional damage that has been done. Trust has to be earned, and I'm sorry to say, although you sound like you're really trying, eight months is way too early.
Keep working your program, do what's best for you, become the best person you can be, and the rest will fall into place. Just give it time.
I wish you and your wife all the best, and just remember, it will work out the way it is meant to.