Kmber2010

Hey Guys-

Well into day 5 here and no urge to drink but having anxiety this morning that I am battling. Thank God when I dumped that bottle last week my all day every day panic attacks basically stopped. Being sober of course allows me to breath through the anxiety and they do pass but I am struggling with waking up in the middle of the night - happened last few nights and the last few mornings. I was doing great on Sunday but here are some things that are going on and I ask for strength and prayer that these attacks pass.

1. Hubby is still not home and just sent a quickie email yesterday saying hopefully this week they might make it out. He is military and trapped in England with the ash cloud.

2. I emailed a follow up on the job on base Monday and no word back.

3. My ankle still has not been seen by ortho since my PCM didn't do the referral and I had to go to base and get this straightened out just to get a phone call this morning (as I was just drifting back to some sort of sleep) that it wasn't done yesterday...GRRRRRR

4. I had my mammo and what was supposed to be 30 minutes turned into 2+ hours because they found things in my left breast. It was hell and I was all alone. I now am needing a referral to another hospital for an MRI.

5. My friend here who is basically my support to talk to and let me know im not alone is again creating drama with so many other spouses here and it is just stressful! She has her own issues as if she feels she must right every wrong....you can only lead a horse to water....you know guys. My attitude is if you **** off someone and they are upset...don't back them into a corner expecting forgiveness. I keep telling her over and over just let it rest....over time it will all pass. No she keeps stirring the pot and then gets more upset that they won't forgive her. Jeez....leave them alone.

6. Lastly, I just found out a good friend back in the states died this morning.

OK....whewwww with that off my chest. Would it seem logical that I am having anxiety? Ummm....I think yes but no one knows about my mammo experience and even I am just numb to that. If I give in to that I am done. I am just waiting for hubby to get home and discuss it with him. I just can't post this on my facebook because then I feel I am whining and if no one comments then I feel worse. Trust me....I know when to avoid things that might make me feel worse. Especially now since I have gone through withdrawals and the week from hell...I am just struggling to cope day to day and sometimes minutes to minute.

I am angry at my hubby because I just need that 15 minutes a day to fill him in and hear is voice and to know that there is some effing normalcy to my life. Haven't had that since last Monday. He doesn't know any of whats going on and I am beyond furious but I also have learned to not hurt those you love.

Guys I have been getting up everyday.....No job Nothing....and forcing myself to walk on a busted ankle to get my dog out and about and yes I feel tons better but I am wiped. Doing and trying everything I can to keep my spirits up. I saw my Dr. yesterday and he totally feels my relapse was based on the fact I had the codeine. He said yeah...your responsible as you know but they knew you were in recovery and prescribed you a narcotic for crying out loud. Its like giving you a bottle of whisky and saying take 2 shots a day. He said you were depressed with your injury and being housebound....you were getting anxiety because of course narcotics are giving your body the same effect that alcohol does in a sense and you caved in to your old habit once hubby left. You were set up to fail. We went through what I learned and why I chose to stop. What I am doing differently in my life now. He was appalled at the lack of support physically I have here. He said no one has come to your house since your hubby left. I so noone. He said the same damn thing i have been saying since I got injured "I feel like a prisoner."

Ok....I just had to vent. I am never going to drink again but I hate effing having this anxiety. It passes yes and I have such great high points too in my days since I quit that I feel AMAZING just getting up, showering and being out and feeling normal again!!! What is the hardest part is the initial recovery....the period where you just haven't enough sobriety under your belt and you know that people truthfully don't believe you quit. You fumble a word and you think to yourself they probably think im drinking. I know in a few months I will feel better and guys I am only focusing on getting through my day. I wish I could mentally pull my self together so I wouldn't spend 2 hours from bed to just get to the shower. I want to go to these fitness classes or go on a USO day tour to see the tulips in Holland but with ankle it makes this 100 times more difficult. Oh and yes I have cleaned my house up and down and nothing left but to start washing out the dusty vases....WOW.

What I will say to anyone who is early on in their drinking or just starting...I wish I never touched the bottle. I have lost so much, hurt so many people and have missed opportunities that I will never see again. Alcohol is the reason I am here and because of my choice to drink it is now up to me to start my life anew.

I just pray to God for strength and say that the good Lord does not give us anything we can not handle. I am never going to forget this experience in my life.