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Day 5 - Needing Support Long...Sry :(

Old 04-21-2010, 01:34 AM
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Day 5 - Needing Support Long...Sry :(

Hey Guys-

Well into day 5 here and no urge to drink but having anxiety this morning that I am battling. Thank God when I dumped that bottle last week my all day every day panic attacks basically stopped. Being sober of course allows me to breath through the anxiety and they do pass but I am struggling with waking up in the middle of the night - happened last few nights and the last few mornings. I was doing great on Sunday but here are some things that are going on and I ask for strength and prayer that these attacks pass.

1. Hubby is still not home and just sent a quickie email yesterday saying hopefully this week they might make it out. He is military and trapped in England with the ash cloud.

2. I emailed a follow up on the job on base Monday and no word back.

3. My ankle still has not been seen by ortho since my PCM didn't do the referral and I had to go to base and get this straightened out just to get a phone call this morning (as I was just drifting back to some sort of sleep) that it wasn't done yesterday...GRRRRRR

4. I had my mammo and what was supposed to be 30 minutes turned into 2+ hours because they found things in my left breast. It was hell and I was all alone. I now am needing a referral to another hospital for an MRI.

5. My friend here who is basically my support to talk to and let me know im not alone is again creating drama with so many other spouses here and it is just stressful! She has her own issues as if she feels she must right every wrong....you can only lead a horse to water....you know guys. My attitude is if you **** off someone and they are upset...don't back them into a corner expecting forgiveness. I keep telling her over and over just let it rest....over time it will all pass. No she keeps stirring the pot and then gets more upset that they won't forgive her. Jeez....leave them alone.

6. Lastly, I just found out a good friend back in the states died this morning.

OK....whewwww with that off my chest. Would it seem logical that I am having anxiety? Ummm....I think yes but no one knows about my mammo experience and even I am just numb to that. If I give in to that I am done. I am just waiting for hubby to get home and discuss it with him. I just can't post this on my facebook because then I feel I am whining and if no one comments then I feel worse. Trust me....I know when to avoid things that might make me feel worse. Especially now since I have gone through withdrawals and the week from hell...I am just struggling to cope day to day and sometimes minutes to minute.

I am angry at my hubby because I just need that 15 minutes a day to fill him in and hear is voice and to know that there is some effing normalcy to my life. Haven't had that since last Monday. He doesn't know any of whats going on and I am beyond furious but I also have learned to not hurt those you love.

Guys I have been getting up everyday.....No job Nothing....and forcing myself to walk on a busted ankle to get my dog out and about and yes I feel tons better but I am wiped. Doing and trying everything I can to keep my spirits up. I saw my Dr. yesterday and he totally feels my relapse was based on the fact I had the codeine. He said yeah...your responsible as you know but they knew you were in recovery and prescribed you a narcotic for crying out loud. Its like giving you a bottle of whisky and saying take 2 shots a day. He said you were depressed with your injury and being housebound....you were getting anxiety because of course narcotics are giving your body the same effect that alcohol does in a sense and you caved in to your old habit once hubby left. You were set up to fail. We went through what I learned and why I chose to stop. What I am doing differently in my life now. He was appalled at the lack of support physically I have here. He said no one has come to your house since your hubby left. I so noone. He said the same damn thing i have been saying since I got injured "I feel like a prisoner."

Ok....I just had to vent. I am never going to drink again but I hate effing having this anxiety. It passes yes and I have such great high points too in my days since I quit that I feel AMAZING just getting up, showering and being out and feeling normal again!!! What is the hardest part is the initial recovery....the period where you just haven't enough sobriety under your belt and you know that people truthfully don't believe you quit. You fumble a word and you think to yourself they probably think im drinking. I know in a few months I will feel better and guys I am only focusing on getting through my day. I wish I could mentally pull my self together so I wouldn't spend 2 hours from bed to just get to the shower. I want to go to these fitness classes or go on a USO day tour to see the tulips in Holland but with ankle it makes this 100 times more difficult. Oh and yes I have cleaned my house up and down and nothing left but to start washing out the dusty vases....WOW.

What I will say to anyone who is early on in their drinking or just starting...I wish I never touched the bottle. I have lost so much, hurt so many people and have missed opportunities that I will never see again. Alcohol is the reason I am here and because of my choice to drink it is now up to me to start my life anew.

I just pray to God for strength and say that the good Lord does not give us anything we can not handle. I am never going to forget this experience in my life.
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Old 04-21-2010, 02:45 AM
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I am sorry to hear that you have so many things going on while you are in early recovery, just remember that a drink will only make things worse. You can get through this, we are all here with you

Take Care,

NB
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Old 04-21-2010, 04:29 AM
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Thanks for sharing, I can tell you have the strength to pull through all this, and the ash cloud is finally clearing (!!!) so hubby will be home soon!

What I will say to anyone who is early on in their drinking or just starting...I wish I never touched the bottle. I have lost so much, hurt so many people and have missed opportunities that I will never see again. Alcohol is the reason I am here and because of my choice to drink it is now up to me to start my life anew.
Don't dwell on the past. Perhaps use it to remind yourself to never ever drink no matter what but like you said, you have to start life anew. This isn't a bad thing. It's an extremely lucky thing and you're so lucky to have the chance!


"Unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes"


Good luck!
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Old 04-21-2010, 04:59 AM
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No advice but just wanted to send a hug. Sucks that so much is going on right now, but glad that you are sober so that you will be able to get through this rough time. Hang in there and stay strong.
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:31 AM
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kmber2010, hang in that anxiety can be a pain. You have a full plate with things to do and going on. I had a lot of anxiety up to day 7. Day 9 now and still some anxiety hanging around but getting by a lot better.
Please try to find someone to talk to or be with until your husband gets home.
Hang in and stay on line and read and/or write.
Take care
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Old 04-21-2010, 05:45 AM
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Hey Kmber:

I'm sorry that you're struggling and feeling so overwhelmed. Pls. know that you've got people here who are sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

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Old 04-21-2010, 06:14 AM
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Same as the above - hope you get through the day - and the night - sending hugs and thoughts x
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:31 AM
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It's hard being sober and having to deal with life's rough spots without our familiar numbing agent... but it can be done, and it makes you stronger for having gone thru it. Hang in there and stay sober. I hope things straighten out for you soon. :ghug3
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:28 AM
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Trust me, drinking will not solve any of the problems you listed nor will it make you feel better even a little bit.

Going trough your list I see only a big bunch of excuses to try to justify your addiction and pick up the bottle again.
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:54 AM
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Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through a lot of stuff right now. I think sometimes things come at one time and it's a lot to juggle. I have anxiety too - I had it before I began drinking, it was worse when I drank, and I still have it now. Sometimes it stops me dead in my tracks, but know that you can learn to deal with it.

Be kind to yourself and do what you can manage to do. Sometimes making a list can help. Good luck with your ankle and your mammogram.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:42 AM
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Thank you all so much and I do believe in the power of prayer. Once I finished this (which was such a weight off my shoulders) I chilled for a bit and then mushed on to shower and then took the time to straighten my hair. Caring about my appearance which was rather scary to say the least this past week. Ran errands and just let myself relax and enjoy tranquility.

The good news then came in that Ortho referral is in and my PCM apologized up and down to me. Then I had a friend meet up at the store and fix my tail light and then the job called to say that that they were just missing a few documents and once I get them we start my in-processing. WOW....is all I can say.

I really can not believe how great I feel and I know that the hard part is staying focused one day at a time. I am on my journey to my finding the real me and my old positive self where alcohol was never part of it. Being sober is a blessing.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:48 AM
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I admire your attitude... Glad things are looking up
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:49 AM
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That's super, Kimber!

Just continue dealing with things one at a time and you'll get through this.

And, good for you for fussing a bit with your appearance. When I began recovery, I went out and bought a few things (nothing expensive) that suited me more than the old clothes I had been wearing and just hadn't bothered to get rid of.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:06 AM
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That's great. I hope you continue on with a great day/night.
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Old 04-21-2010, 02:47 PM
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I'm so glad things are looking a bit brighter now Kim

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Old 04-21-2010, 04:41 PM
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Things are indeed brighter with each day of recovery my friends. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and share and offer your insight and experiences. The encouragement so helps an alcoholic they are not alone. This is why support is key to success.

I have to say that as I grow stronger and confident, I am actually glad I haven't spoken to my husband to be honest. Didn't feel that at my low of course but looking back on it now.....I can't wait to show my hubby the renewed and sober me.

So glad to be sober again and in recovery. Thank you for being here
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